Miscellaneous: Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while... - FML

By KWM - 12/02/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 110

You deserved it 38 984

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Mommy dearest

By Ohkourt - 20/04/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 97

By anonymous.. - 03/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 988

You deserved it 4 431

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 181

You deserved it 3 310

The wrong end of the stick

By poodlesoup - 21/12/2020 22:58 - United States

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 71

By merse - 18/02/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 939

You deserved it 3 131

By Anonymous - 27/02/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 319

You deserved it 3 414

By girlsx2mom - 31/08/2011 06:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 600

You deserved it 7 843

By Anonymous - 28/04/2018 23:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 144

You deserved it 419

By frownyface - 14/01/2012 17:32 - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 492

You deserved it 3 175

That hurts, BTW

By phillij2 - 09/07/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 6 287

Barfed out

By superbubbles - 23/03/2021 21:30 - Canada

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 105

By musiclover - 06/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 680

You deserved it 5 095

By Anonymous - 08/06/2013 19:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 561

You deserved it 9 502

By Avery - 24/03/2012 20:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 534

You deserved it 29 900

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 06/05/2020 14:00

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 393

You deserved it 4 792

By ass slap - 11/08/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

Spicy

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 082

You deserved it 24 720

By Dom - 31/05/2019 12:00

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 20:13 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I saw some servicemen sitting outside a café, and I went over to thank them for their service. They waited till after I was done shaking their hands before they told me they were just actors on their lunch break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 657

You deserved it 7 233

By annoyed - 10/02/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 655

You deserved it 18 295

8 out of 10 dentists

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 08:02

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 1 601

By cat cat - 13/07/2018 01:30

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 930

You deserved it 464

By Alisterine - 24/08/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 170

You deserved it 14 563

Child labor

By great parenting pal - 11/08/2020 02:01

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 202

Money, Ethan

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 08:01

Today, I felt like working out again since it’s been a while. When I was done and talking to my wife about how good I felt afterwards, my 3 year-old came and patted my stomach and said, "Baby in there, baby in there." Yes, I feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 134

By hs - 30/05/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 764

You deserved it 49 533

By writerflaw - 10/03/2015 17:36 - United States - Juneau

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 750

You deserved it 3 415

By yeueid - 31/03/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 440

You deserved it 1 722

By Anonymous - 05/07/2015 19:20 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 208

You deserved it 6 946

By Sir Smokalot - 24/09/2009 08:05 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 117

You deserved it 2 866

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 23:30 - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 195

You deserved it 2 178

By tariel - 22/05/2018 21:08

Today, I went to my favorite restaurant with my mother. The food took a little longer than usual to arrive and my mom threw a fit, complete with kicking and screaming, in the middle of the restaurant. My mom and I are both banned for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 068

You deserved it 391

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 5 916

By Allen - 05/01/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 890

You deserved it 40 394

By DL06 - 08/04/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 390

You deserved it 12 525

By anon - 19/06/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 153

You deserved it 2 793

By nobffs - 01/01/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 412

You deserved it 2 948

By madfather - 23/02/2009 01:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 072

You deserved it 72 422

PS I Love You

By Anonymous - 13/02/2021 17:01 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 293

By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 937

You deserved it 1 125

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Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

how could you not tell while holding her hand?!

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Saturday 12 September 2009 2:10

why do people say he deserves it?

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Siley 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 19:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 3 April 2010 19:28

i agree funniest one ive heard yet

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:17

how could you not notice something like that???

afunnyterdcody 5

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Friday 11 May 2012 21:01

I have to say she couldn't be that mad it isn't make in fun of or anything

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Tuesday 18 February 2014 3:32

Hello everyone! Actual person with only two fingers on their right hand here. I'm kind for self conscious about it and I hide it a lot and avoid shaking hands, and sometimes people don't notice until months after they have known me! I try to be lighthearted about it however, and I'll often tell curious children that it was a shark bite or a science experiment gone wrong. I've been like this since I was born and I can't imagine life without it. Most days I forget about it and don't even think that I am different from everyone else. But I am unique in that way and I think it's pretty cool so everyone who is saying that it is weird or that they should have noticed before, I hope I helped.

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Monday 23 March 2009 21:31

LAWL that's funny in a I-shouldn't-laugh-but-I-did way. - S.

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Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

how could you not tell while holding her hand?!

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Monday 11 May 2009 5:45

lol i did that with one of my friends too. she only has 2 fingers on each hand.

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Monday 25 May 2009 18:27

this is the stupidest thing ever xD

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Thursday 4 June 2009 7:40

omg that is freakin hilarious XDDD

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Wednesday 21 July 2010 6:42

get some looser pants.

mylifefmlsoml 0

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Monday 3 August 2009 21:10

FAKE LIAARRR soo not ttrruueee

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Saturday 12 September 2009 2:10

why do people say he deserves it?

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Thursday 25 February 2010 6:24

You people are so incosidorate. It is possible to have only two fingers, rare but possible. I feel sorry for both ;however, the OP should have felt it...

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Sunday 19 February 2012 8:48

Incosidorate? Really. I think it was more inconsiderate...

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Thursday 25 February 2010 17:46

She'd be more madder than a two finger person texting if you told her that! lol

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 42

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 36