Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working... - FML

By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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Get me away from here, I'm dying

Territorial pissings

Property law

By Anonymous - 6/11/2019 02:30

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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By BadKitty - 11/9/2016 13:37 - Australia - Invermay

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

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By screwwyou - 28/9/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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By SoMuchForThatIdea - 12/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

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By mario - 2/3/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

What's up, doc?

Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 11:44 - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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By luckycharmed - 17/6/2014 17:34 - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 16:04 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, as always, I have a very weak stomach. I'm in Japan right now, and all the unfamiliar foods set me off every time I eat. I can choose between having a great time and starving myself half to death, or sitting in my hotel room all day with stomach pains and diarrhea. FML

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By kimhinesvoinea - 7/4/2013 12:07 - United States

Today, I took multiple pictures of my blanket and pillow pet, trying to get the "perfect pose" so I could post it on Facebook with a cheesy joke. I'm 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 21:04 - Sweden - ?rsta

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 23:19 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 4/3/2019 08:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By ThreeMoreYears - 3/3/2020 03:01

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2018 10:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By Well then - 1/3/2019 20:00

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

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By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

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By TheNotSoGoodDay - 25/4/2016 23:29 - United States - Charlestown

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

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By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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By Nic - 13/9/2016 20:16 - United States - Orlando

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

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By Anon - 18/8/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By Jbug - 31/5/2018 13:30 - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

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By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 06:37 - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

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By nemi - 31/8/2010 22:33 - Norway

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2014 20:57 - India - Kundan

Today, my boss was fired by the board. A few days ago, he dropped several strong hints that he was going to promote me soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 20:34 - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 14:20 - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

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By Daddy - 19/8/2016 14:55 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By Username - 14/8/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 16:00

Today, after barely sleeping all week, I tried some ASMR videos to help me fall asleep. Both my dogs and my husband are out cold, snoring so loud I can't even hear the ASMR. FML

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By _aPerson_ - 22/4/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By gudmarjoh - 8/12/2010 23:09 - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By Sean - 7/9/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By iheartvodka - 7/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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Top comments

By borba72 | 0

#1584 - Thursday 12 February 2009 16:25

Yes, english speakers use "excited" to say they are happy with something. In latin languages such as spanish and portuguese to be excited is to be sexually aroused with something.

By yay_fml | 0

#1598 - Thursday 12 February 2009 17:55

I did the same thing in my German class! I said I was "excited" to travel that summer in a paper, and my professor had me correct it in front of the entire class. Apparently most other languages use the verb "to excite" in that way. Heh.

COMMENTS

By ToastedOats | 0

#1583 - Thursday 12 February 2009 16:19

You should know the difference. I know the difference in my second language. FYL.

Reply

bobnorris | 0

#897490 - Saturday 27 February 2010 15:38

this is disturbing... Ha Ha!!!

Reply

sassypants93 | 17

#1727706 - Saturday 20 November 2010 15:43

Haha you should know the difference between estoy exitado and estoy emocionado if you are in Spain.

Reply

This2Rudy | 7

#2274399 - Friday 1 April 2011 2:25

how do I fav this, where is the so called star

Reply

xXCANUCKSXx | 0

#3250764 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 6:36

Toolbox on wheels with a built in airconditioner

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6014045 - Monday 21 July 2014 15:49

Top right corner

By borba72 | 0

#1584 - Thursday 12 February 2009 16:25

Yes, english speakers use "excited" to say they are happy with something. In latin languages such as spanish and portuguese to be excited is to be sexually aroused with something.

Reply

carbivore | 10

#5984599 - Sunday 22 June 2014 18:10

NEVER use "excitar." Haha

Reply

music_is_life22 | 12

#6096843 - Wednesday 22 October 2014 14:22

It's also sexual in French. Our French teacher didn't tell that to us until 8th grade of course, 8 years after we'd started speaking French. I have some regrets XD

By ezequiel_fml | 0

#1597 - Thursday 12 February 2009 17:51

So funny.

By yay_fml | 0

#1598 - Thursday 12 February 2009 17:55

I did the same thing in my German class! I said I was "excited" to travel that summer in a paper, and my professor had me correct it in front of the entire class. Apparently most other languages use the verb "to excite" in that way. Heh.

By Spinach | 0

#1709 - Friday 13 February 2009 1:12

Seriously, you learn that in like first year Spanish. Learn the damn language. And before you tell everyone you are pregnant, make sure to look up the word for 'embarrassed.'

Reply

Torunn | 13

#3276812 - Monday 12 September 2011 11:41

Idiot. Please check the gender of OP.

Reply

omgiculol | 4

#4176714 - Saturday 17 March 2012 5:18

Hahah oh yeah "embarasado" means pregnant right? I've made that mistake lol

By thegoldenboy3 | 0

#1739 - Friday 13 February 2009 3:32

ahahaha honest mistake. i had a brain fart. oh well...

By feelslikeanoose | 0

#1832 - Friday 13 February 2009 9:59

You're lucky you didn't get arrested for that one!

By thegoldenboy3 | 0

#1852 - Friday 13 February 2009 12:23

nope. sorry. it's not peggy hill. it's Mike Hunt.

By thegoldenboy3 | 0

#2268 - Sunday 15 February 2009 4:57

i mean i learned it before, it was a brain fart. don't act like you've never had it !!!

Reply

Albie_Lynn | 5

#6275671 - Tuesday 28 April 2015 2:00

Hello

By d_dh2310 | 0

#3290 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 9:59

ahahaha yeah, i learned french in highschool.. but couldn't use it for my life. so i totally get the brain fart.. even if you know the language very well!!