Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who...

By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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Work

Age ain't nothing but a number

Compassion

Hello everyone!

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2014 18:44 - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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By H-B - 28/4/2009 08:53 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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By overachiever - 18/7/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

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By Good sister - 13/10/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

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71919

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By sleepyt127 - 7/5/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, after leaving a bar I fell asleep on the Q train heading home. I awoke at 5am in Coney Island, end of the line, to a cop poking me with his baton. He gave me a ticket for "Subway Vagrancy" even though I have a job and an apartment. He didn't ticket the homeless man next to me covered in piss. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket! - 26/3/2019 22:00

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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By ShouldHaveDoneItMyself - 5/7/2016 17:04 - Sudan

Today, I didn't have the courage to tell the guy who likes me that I only thought of him as a friend, so I asked my best friend to do it for me. It turns out that her way of doing this is telling him to "fuck off" and then punching him in the face. FML

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By guyshithappensto - 22/5/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By mybfthecrossdresser - 20/1/2015 15:08 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By ad4 - 31/1/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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By losingit - 19/10/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

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By TomorrowMaybe - 8/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By thanks sis - 3/7/2020 05:02

Role model

Today, I went over to visit my sister. She had a bunch of pictures of me on her wall. I thought it was sweet, but a bit odd. Turns out she looks at pictures of me to motivate herself whenever she doesn’t feel like working out. FML

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By :-O - 14/4/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By nicegirl08 - 20/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 01:30 - Canada

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Sprinkles - 4/2/2015 07:44 - Australia

Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2017 16:00

Today, I got in an argument with my wife. I told her that I feel like she immediately disagrees with anything I say. She immediately disagreed and said she never does that. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 03:19 - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By lil123 - 25/3/2012 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

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By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By crashednowcrushed - 26/4/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

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By seussical65 - 14/4/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

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By fuck em all - 27/9/2018 14:00

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By KC - 17/2/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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By FuckedByLife - 12/2/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By MIG2204 - 15/4/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

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By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

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By drummerboy - 6/6/2016 12:17 - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - 16/11/2014 23:25 - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By Abr829 - 9/11/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, "You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you're going to need to actually try." FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

Aerious | 0

#2056781 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:35

I cackled.

iliketurdles | 7

#2056866 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:55

I sneezed.

ohh wait..

derpherp | 0

#2056878 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:57

I crackled.

zakkyzebra | 11

#2056941 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:14

I sneeacrackled...

shaneac | 0

#2057084 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:53

I guffawed.

MrNewOrleans | 0

#2057129 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:11

I exploded

BlackHoleSuns | 0

#2057148 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:15

C-C-COMBO BREAKER :D lol but really that was humorous. Its called Germ-X rub some on and get over it...

Shit happens.

Unfortunately so does ball sack smell.

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2057406 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:23

I... well uhm... laughed..

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2057432 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:28

you fucking beat me to it. ^ by a lot tho. ;(

morgs1213 | 4

#2057450 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:32

I chuckled at how I felt the need to say I chuckled.

uncbballwins | 0

#2057458 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:33

I jizzed.

Mirelly13 | 6

#2057470 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:36

omg! Do you work at a gift shop?!?

ahole123 | 0

#2057491 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:38

I sneeacragawplozzed

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2057691 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:24

I pooped

blaine72 | 0

#2057766 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:52

I tittered

C6Racer | 0

#2058006 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 8:55

I sharted.

kazzz23 | 0

#2058028 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:03

I love your reply. xD

ohSNAPyall | 26

#2058061 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:28

"Snowglobes" is back!

kile88 | 2

#2058110 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:22

I peed just a little

xIINotorious | 0

#2058271 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:48

I jizzled

crazypomgurl3 | 0

#2058804 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:02

I coughed and then died

Katy326 | 10

#2058881 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:24

I giggled

HouseHunter | 2

#2060140 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:42

I snap-crackle-popped

you_failed | 15

#2060808 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 4:16

I just took a ride on the ROFL-copter.

TheAftermath | 0

#2062135 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 9:29

I laughed so hard till I..... farted.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2076532 - Sunday 13 February 2011 6:54

i ate taco

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2408854 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 10:07

he has snowglobes? lucky i only have testicles

madeline9322 | 17

#5991066 - Saturday 28 June 2014 15:16

I teeheed.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2057887 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 7:47

Snowglobes are so smooth and pretty <3

shaannonwilding | 0

#2058035 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:07

75- Yeah but balls are neither of those!

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2058661 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 15:00

we call them testicles
or of you still can't say it, we accept 'balls'

Edsterr | 0

#2059944 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 23:49

I, on the other hand, can't believe it's not butter

ahriel | 0

#2060145 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:44

haha!! nice

demo3000 | 0

#3912663 - Friday 20 January 2012 6:03

You're a fucking idiot.

By piiing | 0

#2056463 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:05

Turner_22 | 0

#3025307 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 23:22

What, wouldn't you want to be in that situation?

By DarkHelmet | 10

#2056479 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:07

no u didnt u couldve fist bumped or done the bow

By Frickmetinajenks | 0

#2056501 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:10

Ah balls.

kcnutt10 | 1

#2057735 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:38

To the window.......to the wall! Until the sweat drops down these balls! All the females crawl! Aw, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet! Aw, skeet, skeet mutha fucka!

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983560 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:55

what song is that? my friends sing it sometimes and I'm just wondering

bavegla | 0

#3379894 - Monday 3 October 2011 2:20

Google it

By onepluszero | 0

#2056516 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:14

snow.... GLOBESSS!! hahahaha...

By nolli024 | 0

#2056528 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:16

Well, if it was just snow globes, then it shouldn't be a problem!

SluggerJ | 7

#2058229 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:30

he/she means balls, gonads, the family jewels need I go on

Thejackel79 | 9

#2059549 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 21:05

i think he was being sarcastic

By Doortje | 28

#2056542 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:19

Scratching them or shaking them?

emileeann | 0

#2056914 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:07

win

By Cypherrr | 13

#2056613 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

"Snowglobes." xD

By DocBastard | 38

#2056615 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

I don't understand why he had snowglobes down his pants. Was he stealing them? Is this an American thing?

mazesm | 11

#2056724 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:15

There talking about balls, you stereotyper.

stitch_book | 4

#2056733 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:18

*they're

don't take the joke too seriously. besides, it was funny.

poisonflower | 6

#2057114 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:07

Yes, Americans find it convenient to stick things in their pants as a way of stealing them. I do it all the time.

IHeartJimi02 | 0

#2057379 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:14

18, Doc was kidding.

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2057419 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:25

Canadians don't need to steal snowglobes , they live in one . :)
no jk,
but Op I find that rather nasty . FYL , clean your hand so that the remnants aren't on you .
and FYI #18 , jokes , jokes ......

thelastavailable | 13

#2058141 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:54

Wow. Americans get offended easily...

OochenSnoochen | 15

#2058656 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 14:59

Stereotypist*

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3647587 - Sunday 27 November 2011 10:10

I agree wholeheartedly to that, 88.