Work: Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who...

By hushnow - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33768

You deserved it

3722

Favorite

Work

Dementia or hate? You decide

The smell detective is on the case

Itchy and Scratchy

By Mrs. Man - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36855

You deserved it

7605

Favorite

By thatoneperson - United States

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27341

You deserved it

5882

Favorite

By laundryduty

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1880

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By Roselyn Cazares

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4094

You deserved it

1868

Favorite

By no salt, no burning, just STFU - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35551

You deserved it

3531

Favorite

By abnormallyadam - Australia - Footscray

Today, I found out that the guy I've been crushing on for months is actually 15 years old. I'm 22. Not only is it gross, but it's also illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22862

You deserved it

4772

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7823

You deserved it

32805

Favorite

By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49811

You deserved it

26395

Favorite

By HappyBirthday - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47254

You deserved it

4744

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26968

You deserved it

19688

Favorite

By *cough* *cough* you're a dickface - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I have the flu, so I called my boss to let him know I couldn't come in today. He told me to think my "lies" through better, and claimed that you can only get the flu during winter. So I guess I'm faking my pale skin, short breath, runny nose, and constant sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27183

You deserved it

1932

Favorite

By teflon_hammer - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

I agree, your life sucks

11820

You deserved it

1176

Favorite

By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36895

You deserved it

3435

Favorite

By MineAlwaysTouching

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3358

You deserved it

1754

Favorite

By lostcar - United States

Today, I parked my car in a garage that cost $13 for every 10 minutes past 10 o'clock. When I came back to the garage at 10, I had forgotten where I parked it and spent an hour looking for it. I paid $78 to lose my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24755

You deserved it

41719

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11697

You deserved it

37768

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29567

You deserved it

9319

Favorite

By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28236

You deserved it

1933

Favorite

By man-period? - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23326

You deserved it

1616

Favorite

By dregmanhart

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5504

You deserved it

573

Favorite

By mayhemily - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22405

You deserved it

2955

Favorite

By muffincakess - France

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9904

You deserved it

36963

Favorite

By Stairs? Noooooo - United States - San Leandro

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks

29817

You deserved it

1509

Favorite

By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48500

You deserved it

3203

Favorite

By CBM2012 - United States

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29443

You deserved it

3611

Favorite

By crazy_bitch122 - United States

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41471

You deserved it

6275

Favorite

By Fired

We could be heroes…

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31963

You deserved it

5650

Favorite

By missbutthole - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34603

You deserved it

3865

Favorite

By UN4 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39308

You deserved it

3388

Favorite

By Bathroom Problems - France

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27645

You deserved it

3918

Favorite

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24039

You deserved it

4408

Favorite

By Sorry babe - 29/11/2020 08:02 - United States - Hesperia

Lightweight

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

816

You deserved it

193

Favorite

By Aaron - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51943

You deserved it

3709

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38883

You deserved it

44986

Favorite

By Anonymous

Family values

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2592

You deserved it

306

Favorite

By Tired Girlfriend

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3782

You deserved it

459

Favorite

By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28068

You deserved it

6861

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43692

You deserved it

2705

Favorite

By omgstfuplz - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44907

You deserved it

13408

Favorite

By singingintherain

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5828

You deserved it

674

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

Aerious | 0

#2056781 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:35

I cackled.

iliketurdles | 7

#2056866 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:55

I sneezed.

ohh wait..

derpherp | 0

#2056878 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:57

I crackled.

zakkyzebra | 11

#2056941 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:14

I sneeacrackled...

shaneac | 0

#2057084 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:53

I guffawed.

MrNewOrleans | 0

#2057129 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:11

I exploded

BlackHoleSuns | 0

#2057148 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:15

C-C-COMBO BREAKER :D lol but really that was humorous. Its called Germ-X rub some on and get over it...

Shit happens.

Unfortunately so does ball sack smell.

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2057406 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:23

I... well uhm... laughed..

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2057432 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:28

you fucking beat me to it. ^ by a lot tho. ;(

morgs1213 | 4

#2057450 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:32

I chuckled at how I felt the need to say I chuckled.

uncbballwins | 0

#2057458 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:33

I jizzed.

Mirelly13 | 6

#2057470 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:36

omg! Do you work at a gift shop?!?

ahole123 | 0

#2057491 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:38

I sneeacragawplozzed

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2057691 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:24

I pooped

blaine72 | 0

#2057766 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:52

I tittered

C6Racer | 0

#2058006 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 8:55

I sharted.

kazzz23 | 0

#2058028 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:03

I love your reply. xD

ohSNAPyall | 26

#2058061 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:28

"Snowglobes" is back!

kile88 | 2

#2058110 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:22

I peed just a little

xIINotorious | 0

#2058271 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:48

I jizzled

crazypomgurl3 | 0

#2058804 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:02

I coughed and then died

Katy326 | 10

#2058881 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:24

I giggled

HouseHunter | 2

#2060140 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:42

I snap-crackle-popped

you_failed | 15

#2060808 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 4:16

I just took a ride on the ROFL-copter.

TheAftermath | 0

#2062135 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 9:29

I laughed so hard till I..... farted.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2076532 - Sunday 13 February 2011 6:54

i ate taco

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2408854 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 10:07

he has snowglobes? lucky i only have testicles

madeline9322 | 17

#5991066 - Saturday 28 June 2014 15:16

I teeheed.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2057887 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 7:47

Snowglobes are so smooth and pretty <3

shaannonwilding | 0

#2058035 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:07

75- Yeah but balls are neither of those!

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2058661 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 15:00

we call them testicles
or of you still can't say it, we accept 'balls'

Edsterr | 0

#2059944 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 23:49

I, on the other hand, can't believe it's not butter

ahriel | 0

#2060145 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:44

haha!! nice

demo3000 | 0

#3912663 - Friday 20 January 2012 6:03

You're a fucking idiot.

By piiing | 0

#2056463 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:05

Turner_22 | 0

#3025307 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 23:22

What, wouldn't you want to be in that situation?

By DarkHelmet | 10

#2056479 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:07

no u didnt u couldve fist bumped or done the bow

By Frickmetinajenks | 0

#2056501 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:10

Ah balls.

kcnutt10 | 1

#2057735 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:38

To the window.......to the wall! Until the sweat drops down these balls! All the females crawl! Aw, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet! Aw, skeet, skeet mutha fucka!

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983560 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:55

what song is that? my friends sing it sometimes and I'm just wondering

bavegla | 0

#3379894 - Monday 3 October 2011 2:20

Google it

By onepluszero | 0

#2056516 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:14

snow.... GLOBESSS!! hahahaha...

By nolli024 | 0

#2056528 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:16

Well, if it was just snow globes, then it shouldn't be a problem!

SluggerJ | 7

#2058229 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:30

he/she means balls, gonads, the family jewels need I go on

Thejackel79 | 9

#2059549 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 21:05

i think he was being sarcastic

By Doortje | 29

#2056542 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:19

Scratching them or shaking them?

emileeann | 0

#2056914 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:07

win

By Cypherrr | 13

#2056613 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

"Snowglobes." xD

By DocBastard | 38

#2056615 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

I don't understand why he had snowglobes down his pants. Was he stealing them? Is this an American thing?

mazesm | 11

#2056724 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:15

There talking about balls, you stereotyper.

stitch_book | 4

#2056733 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:18

*they're

don't take the joke too seriously. besides, it was funny.

poisonflower | 6

#2057114 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:07

Yes, Americans find it convenient to stick things in their pants as a way of stealing them. I do it all the time.

IHeartJimi02 | 0

#2057379 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:14

18, Doc was kidding.

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2057419 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:25

Canadians don't need to steal snowglobes , they live in one . :)
no jk,
but Op I find that rather nasty . FYL , clean your hand so that the remnants aren't on you .
and FYI #18 , jokes , jokes ......

thelastavailable | 13

#2058141 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:54

Wow. Americans get offended easily...

OochenSnoochen | 15

#2058656 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 14:59

Stereotypist*

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3647587 - Sunday 27 November 2011 10:10

I agree wholeheartedly to that, 88.