Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who...

By hushnow - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33758

You deserved it

3719

Favorite

Work

Coherence dude, do you have it?

I don't wanna

Headache

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13375

You deserved it

26319

Favorite

By not living happily ever after - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23408

You deserved it

31314

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks

472

You deserved it

4675

Favorite

By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33753

You deserved it

4278

Favorite

By - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1264

You deserved it

2039

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

I agree, your life sucks

672

You deserved it

807

Favorite

By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2030

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By BigmouthStrikesAgain - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31937

You deserved it

8240

Favorite

By NeverDrinkingAgain - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20615

You deserved it

43565

Favorite

By BlueyedKat - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20187

You deserved it

2572

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23049

You deserved it

1826

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55733

You deserved it

6285

Favorite

By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38091

You deserved it

3879

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4318

You deserved it

280

Favorite

By Anna Lete

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

I agree, your life sucks

4822

You deserved it

317

Favorite

By Elizabeth Ann

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2336

You deserved it

982

Favorite

By debodave - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9132

You deserved it

68397

Favorite

By Unloving - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35896

You deserved it

4994

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5885

You deserved it

45348

Favorite

By ScottyB - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36598

You deserved it

6573

Favorite

By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25685

You deserved it

2599

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37614

You deserved it

3838

Favorite

By Shan007tjuuh - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34166

You deserved it

2054

Favorite

By girlw/ablog - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1817

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By whyyyyyme - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22619

You deserved it

2215

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8554

You deserved it

38302

Favorite

By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4717

You deserved it

197

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47859

You deserved it

5645

Favorite

By snowmon06

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13993

You deserved it

1625

Favorite

By paging dr. kevorkian - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

I agree, your life sucks

56661

You deserved it

5891

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36118

You deserved it

4547

Favorite

By Angus - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37824

You deserved it

2634

Favorite

By jkl54 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68726

You deserved it

6490

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12885

You deserved it

771

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. That's our local sports team. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34877

You deserved it

5239

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41376

You deserved it

14682

Favorite

By sexisntfun - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42032

You deserved it

3134

Favorite

By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49284

You deserved it

3113

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14898

You deserved it

1273

Favorite

By cthulhu help me - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32517

You deserved it

2803

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2056441 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

"Snowglobes"

I chortled.

Aerious | 0

#2056781 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:35

I cackled.

iliketurdles | 7

#2056866 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:55

I sneezed.

ohh wait..

derpherp | 0

#2056878 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:57

I crackled.

zakkyzebra | 11

#2056941 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:14

I sneeacrackled...

shaneac | 0

#2057084 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:53

I guffawed.

MrNewOrleans | 0

#2057129 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:11

I exploded

BlackHoleSuns | 0

#2057148 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:15

C-C-COMBO BREAKER :D lol but really that was humorous. Its called Germ-X rub some on and get over it...

Shit happens.

Unfortunately so does ball sack smell.

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2057406 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:23

I... well uhm... laughed..

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2057432 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:28

you fucking beat me to it. ^ by a lot tho. ;(

morgs1213 | 4

#2057450 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:32

I chuckled at how I felt the need to say I chuckled.

uncbballwins | 0

#2057458 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:33

I jizzed.

Mirelly13 | 6

#2057470 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:36

omg! Do you work at a gift shop?!?

ahole123 | 0

#2057491 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:38

I sneeacragawplozzed

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2057691 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:24

I pooped

blaine72 | 0

#2057766 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:52

I tittered

C6Racer | 0

#2058006 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 8:55

I sharted.

kazzz23 | 0

#2058028 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:03

I love your reply. xD

ohSNAPyall | 26

#2058061 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:28

"Snowglobes" is back!

kile88 | 2

#2058110 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:22

I peed just a little

xIINotorious | 0

#2058271 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:48

I jizzled

crazypomgurl3 | 0

#2058804 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:02

I coughed and then died

Katy326 | 10

#2058881 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 16:24

I giggled

HouseHunter | 2

#2060140 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:42

I snap-crackle-popped

you_failed | 15

#2060808 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 4:16

I just took a ride on the ROFL-copter.

TheAftermath | 0

#2062135 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 9:29

I laughed so hard till I..... farted.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2076532 - Sunday 13 February 2011 6:54

i ate taco

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2408854 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 10:07

he has snowglobes? lucky i only have testicles

madeline9322 | 17

#5991066 - Saturday 28 June 2014 15:16

I teeheed.

By katy513 | 0

#2056444 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:03

I can't believe you said snowglobes.

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2057887 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 7:47

Snowglobes are so smooth and pretty <3

shaannonwilding | 0

#2058035 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 9:07

75- Yeah but balls are neither of those!

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2058661 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 15:00

we call them testicles
or of you still can't say it, we accept 'balls'

Edsterr | 0

#2059944 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 23:49

I, on the other hand, can't believe it's not butter

ahriel | 0

#2060145 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 0:44

haha!! nice

demo3000 | 0

#3912663 - Friday 20 January 2012 6:03

You're a fucking idiot.

By piiing | 0

#2056463 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:05

Turner_22 | 0

#3025307 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 23:22

What, wouldn't you want to be in that situation?

By DarkHelmet | 10

#2056479 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:07

no u didnt u couldve fist bumped or done the bow

By Frickmetinajenks | 0

#2056501 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:10

Ah balls.

kcnutt10 | 1

#2057735 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 6:38

To the window.......to the wall! Until the sweat drops down these balls! All the females crawl! Aw, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet! Aw, skeet, skeet mutha fucka!

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983560 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:55

what song is that? my friends sing it sometimes and I'm just wondering

bavegla | 0

#3379894 - Monday 3 October 2011 2:20

Google it

By onepluszero | 0

#2056516 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:14

snow.... GLOBESSS!! hahahaha...

By nolli024 | 0

#2056528 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:16

Well, if it was just snow globes, then it shouldn't be a problem!

SluggerJ | 7

#2058229 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:30

he/she means balls, gonads, the family jewels need I go on

Thejackel79 | 9

#2059549 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 21:05

i think he was being sarcastic

By Doortje | 28

#2056542 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:19

Scratching them or shaking them?

emileeann | 0

#2056914 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 3:07

win

By Cypherrr | 13

#2056613 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

"Snowglobes." xD

By DocBastard | 38

#2056615 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 1:36

I don't understand why he had snowglobes down his pants. Was he stealing them? Is this an American thing?

mazesm | 11

#2056724 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:15

There talking about balls, you stereotyper.

stitch_book | 4

#2056733 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:18

*they're

don't take the joke too seriously. besides, it was funny.

poisonflower | 6

#2057114 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 4:07

Yes, Americans find it convenient to stick things in their pants as a way of stealing them. I do it all the time.

IHeartJimi02 | 0

#2057379 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:14

18, Doc was kidding.

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2057419 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:25

Canadians don't need to steal snowglobes , they live in one . :)
no jk,
but Op I find that rather nasty . FYL , clean your hand so that the remnants aren't on you .
and FYI #18 , jokes , jokes ......

thelastavailable | 13

#2058141 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 10:54

Wow. Americans get offended easily...

OochenSnoochen | 15

#2058656 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 14:59

Stereotypist*

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3647587 - Sunday 27 November 2011 10:10

I agree wholeheartedly to that, 88.