Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant...

By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 12:40 - Australia

Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML

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Work

Family values

No one likes a smart-ass

Everyone's an expert

By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By grossew - 26/6/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By newniece - 27/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Fluffy - 11/1/2012 12:51 - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By anonymous - 24/3/2016 03:02

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 05:30 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

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By yessssir - 9/3/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Xpresss - 2/2/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By SoupCanoe - 29/8/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By Noname - 9/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

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By anonymous - 16/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

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By JeezyCherieze - 11/4/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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By epistaxis - 2/2/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2011 11:21

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

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By Pierce - 5/6/2009 16:56 - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

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By meggs2209 - 12/1/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By casey - 25/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By racoonface - 19/4/2009 15:17 - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

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By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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By ewww - 25/3/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

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By Dad41 - 21/6/2019 12:00

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By RC3Welly - 9/3/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By steakysteak - 12/3/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

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By newlydumped - 21/9/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

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By leafscupwin - 16/10/2012 04:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the person that interviewed me for a job was the same person I called a "fat bitch" at a baseball game after she knocked over my drink while she was dancing. She recognized me too. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

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Top comments

By rukusrazor | 0

#198014 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:19

Panda Express? I love that place.

It could be worse, you could be in a big hot dog, "Ask me about my wiener!"

By pepsie_fml | 0

#922617 - Sunday 7 March 2010 21:28

panda express?

Comments

By andydawg8891 | 0

#197990 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:16

Fail.

pepsie_fml | 0

#922617 - Sunday 7 March 2010 21:28

panda express?

hwkfan1 | 10

#976597 - Friday 9 April 2010 0:17

that's exactly what I thought lol

PoopTrainDix | 0

#1006049 - Monday 24 May 2010 23:35

that's so sick!!!

Dmars444 | 4

#2012280 - Thursday 27 January 2011 11:09

dude! pandas get all the chicks XD

PurpleMyth | 28

#6398876 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 3:32

You mean win

By leero | 0

#197991 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:16

that's awesome.

By Raiden91 | 0

#197993 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:16

You probably deserve it but i'm gonna say FYL since it still really sucks haha.

ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5790741 - Friday 13 December 2013 15:45

I don't really see the problem with panda's..

By antbait11 | 0

#197995 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:16

at least you'll be anonymous! and toasty warm

By Callyn | 47

#198003 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:18

Meh. You have a job, you obviously do a decent job at it, I don't see the FML.

By rvinno | 0

#198007 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:19

panda's are cute though..

By thattickles | 0

#198009 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:19

"Sexual Harassment Panda!"

head2133 | 12

#1031941 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 6:15

the don't sue people panda

By leero | 0

#198013 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:19

after reading #4... FYL if you live in Texas.

By rukusrazor | 0

#198014 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:19

Panda Express? I love that place.

It could be worse, you could be in a big hot dog, "Ask me about my wiener!"

By I2OI3 | 0

#198015 - Thursday 14 May 2009 16:20

THAT IS THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF! AND THEY'RE PAYING YOU TO DO THAT!!? WOW! YOU SHOULD TURN THAT PANDA FROWN UPSIDE DOWN