Intimacy: Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out.... - FML

07/02/2016 17:59 - United Kingdom - Ilford

Spicy

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 671

You deserved it 2 118

Sorry…

The smell detective is on the case

Men and their balls

28/07/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 864

You deserved it 6 264

25/03/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 607

You deserved it 2 856

26/08/2010 21:17 - Bulgaria

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 092

You deserved it 52 684

13/10/2008 08:31

Spicy

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 909

You deserved it 41 473

09/05/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 507

You deserved it 5 112

26/08/2015 08:33 - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 702

You deserved it 4 180

Testing times

By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 17:04 - United Kingdom - Bromley

Today, I took my driver's test. I was confident and thought everything would go well. My boss ended up calling me several times during the test. Turns out my colleague never showed up to cover for me, and my boss blamed me. Not only did I fail my test, I'm now suspended from work too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 078

You deserved it 2 751

29/07/2016 03:10

Spicy

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 939

You deserved it 2 273

06/08/2009 06:13 - Australia

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 287

You deserved it 17 273

06/06/2013 16:32 - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 591

You deserved it 11 724

19/02/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 680

You deserved it 3 246

08/09/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 245

You deserved it 3 108

23/07/2012 20:45 - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 828

You deserved it 60 633

11/06/2015 21:20 - United States - Helena

Spicy

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 783

You deserved it 3 337

Treacherous smileys

By Steven - 29/08/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I added the wrong reaction to a Facebook post, using the laughing smiley instead of the hug, and only noticed two hours later, when my friend wouldn't talk to me because she thought I like found the fact that her dog died funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 243

20/06/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 554

You deserved it 53 428

The old switcheroo

By Retake - 13/08/2021 20:01

Today, I got my precalculus final back from my teacher. I got a 17%. I told her that there had to be some mistake, because my classmate had the same answers as me and she got 100%. Not only did I accidentally admit to cheating, but our test papers had different questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 2 358

09/02/2011 10:02 - Australia

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 469

You deserved it 46 474

I'm sitting right here

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 06:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 523

20/03/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 883

You deserved it 2 290

19/06/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 898

You deserved it 5 091

17/01/2010 13:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 092

You deserved it 2 702

Tis the season to be jolly

By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 55

12/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 679

You deserved it 12 702

23/04/2011 08:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 3 654

04/08/2009 21:03 - Malta

Spicy

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 668

You deserved it 17 568

Shameless

By lying fuck! - 22/06/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 920

You deserved it 163

21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 490

You deserved it 2 925

01/01/2009 17:54 - France

Spicy

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 419

You deserved it 5 561

Catch 22

By Claire.L - 10/05/2020 20:00

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 121

29/12/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 713

You deserved it 56 657

05/09/2012 13:51 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 916

You deserved it 37 699

Keep out

By username - 06/06/2020 08:04

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 319

31/12/2014 01:39 - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 524

You deserved it 18 442

26/11/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 836

You deserved it 43 381

10/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 053

You deserved it 416

12/08/2013 15:24 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 520

You deserved it 3 616

We Are Family

By bad dad - 15/03/2020 00:01

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 97

11/12/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 649

You deserved it 3 928

27/07/2012 09:24 - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 838

You deserved it 2 726

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Top comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:50

You should take yours out too just so he doesn't feel alone.

someamishhobo 12

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:41

Don't. Make. Eye contact.

Comments

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:37

Why did he have a chicken on the train?

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:41

Not that kind of cock, numb nuts. It's pretty obvious from the context that OP is talking about the flexible material used to seal air leaks through cracks, gaps, or joints less than 1-quarter-inch wide between stationary building components and materials. Wait, that's caulk…

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:58

I find it funny that the top comment has thumbs down on it. Has that happened before?

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Monday 8 February 2016 8:02

Okay, never mind that. It's a different comment now... That's about as awkward as saying goodbye to someone and walking the same direction

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Monday 8 February 2016 12:52

Maybe grandpa wanted to choke it?

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Monday 8 February 2016 17:03

Why would your grandad bring his chicken on the train

prettynpink1997 8

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Monday 8 February 2016 20:06

?

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Monday 8 February 2016 22:20

Tick tock the cock's out.

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Monday 8 February 2016 23:59

It's called a joke #2. Lighten up, man.

californian21 13

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Tuesday 9 February 2016 0:30

You must have missed the whole thing he was saying

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Tuesday 9 February 2016 2:33

Outstanding work, #61.

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Tuesday 9 February 2016 4:53

I just got bored during the first sentence. Apologies.

someamishhobo 12

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:41

Don't. Make. Eye contact.

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Monday 8 February 2016 14:09

He already made eye contact but not to his grandfathers eyes though

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:42

But... Why? Anyway, I suggest burning your eyes.

SkylineFTW97 25

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Monday 8 February 2016 8:54

Tru dat. Brain bleach simply ain't gonna cut it for this one. I suggest using a melon baller.

anonymous198913 26

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Monday 8 February 2016 9:06

I don't think that's a good idea. They'll still have the image in their head. I recommend brainwashing yourself into forgetting it ever happened.

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:43

That's really disgusting; I guess it's true that old people really stop caring about what others think.

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Monday 8 February 2016 13:59

So true! My dad says whatever he wants to people no matter how rude it is. He has no filter at all lol.

gabythatcher 21

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:44

Just sitting in his chair? Like hey, it's my dick in a box!

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Monday 8 February 2016 11:21

obviously it wasnt in a box if OP saw it!

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Tuesday 9 February 2016 7:08

train.. Box car... box

914smv 18

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:45

hahahaha why? that is crazy! at least he didn't get in trouble...

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Monday 8 February 2016 12:47

Maybe he did.

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:48

What a waste; two people from the SAME family don't need to mark one train!

TeasinDaNoobs 16

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:49

Bleach OP, it's the only cure at this point

Dave_Davington 33

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:50

You should take yours out too just so he doesn't feel alone.

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Monday 8 February 2016 8:27

Haha

MariaGiovanni 25

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Tuesday 9 February 2016 7:55

It could be a bonding experience. Some people golf, some volunteer, others ride trains with their genitals exposed.

MichaelDeSanta 20

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Monday 8 February 2016 7:52

How cocky of him.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 359

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 69