Valentine's slay, Looking good and Love: Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I... - FML

By Nightsong - 30/03/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 320

You deserved it 19 284

Valentine's slay Looking good Love

There's no helping some people

Triage

Dysfunctional

That's rank

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 06:01 - Germany - Emden

Today, I took a piece of toilet paper to blow my nose and had a surprise: someone in our house seems to not have understood how TP works. In this case, the principle that it shouldn't stay on the roll once there is poo on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 79

By RePete - 04/11/2016 01:44

Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 655

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 20:24 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 191

You deserved it 4 147

Technologically challenged

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 05:01

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 130

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 475

You deserved it 10 005

By smarty - 16/10/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I bought a safe. I put all of my most prized possessions in it, including all of my jewelry, family heirlooms and important papers. Oh, and just before I locked it up, I put the key to the safe in there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 588

You deserved it 50 149

By Jinx - 21/08/2017 22:15 - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I got a stern talking-to from the police about threatening and harassing people. Who had called them? None other than my stalker, whom I'd just informed about the restraining order I was filing against him after finding him in my house. For the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 169

You deserved it 206

By missedout - 05/02/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 534

You deserved it 3 243

By toonice - 17/07/2014 20:48 - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 659

You deserved it 4 718

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 13:32 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 062

You deserved it 2 777

By Scorned Employee - 02/01/2012 03:38 - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 979

You deserved it 7 585

By Imslow - 05/04/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 386

You deserved it 3 563

By drew - 18/12/2010 20:22 - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 385

You deserved it 4 978

By TheOtherWoman - 18/01/2013 17:21 - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 078

You deserved it 3 289

Imagine what it would be like

By Anonymous - 07/09/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 115

You deserved it 10 015

Bonjour!

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 10:01

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 223

By Anon - 30/01/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 260

You deserved it 7 397

By toolegittoquit - 18/01/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 327

You deserved it 6 740

By MollyMoodle7 - 22/06/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 923

You deserved it 4 176

First impressions

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 07:51 - Australia

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied, "I'm Kate thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 531

You deserved it 5 410

By xo_lezz - 01/03/2009 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 507

You deserved it 16 628

By walkingonsunshine - 22/01/2010 00:14 - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 840

You deserved it 2 688

By Champs - 25/01/2009 17:52 - Australia

Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 142

You deserved it 26 353

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 45 996

By pancaketits - 22/03/2016 15:33 - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 267

You deserved it 1 644

By goatvideosarelame - 24/05/2011 07:31 - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 369

You deserved it 3 455

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 13:54 - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 231

You deserved it 5 706

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 419

You deserved it 6 903

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 406

You deserved it 7 316

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 06:15 - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 592

You deserved it 7 171

By Courtney - 07/11/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 991

You deserved it 5 200

By ewwww - 30/01/2017 03:00 - United States - Monroe

Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 653

You deserved it 407

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 197

You deserved it 2 723

Healthy relationship goals

By leapfrog998 - 05/08/2021 14:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my husband told me to stop being friends with my best guy friend because I won't let him hang out with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 858

By asdfas - 18/09/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother texted me, "You take a nice picture." I replied, "What picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You're even smiling." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 882

You deserved it 45 971

By anonymous - 28/08/2015 17:18 - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 933

You deserved it 3 850

By Anonymous - 08/02/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain. Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, "Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 752

You deserved it 3 561

By nessacadesa - 24/03/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 960

You deserved it 58 379

By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 20:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 572

You deserved it 3 329

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 189

You deserved it 8 876

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Top comments

minissaussette 25

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:17

Well what were you expecting? If someone gave their number to my brother while he was in the restroom you can be damn sure everyone at the table would try to know who it was.

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:18

What were you expecting she'd do? I would be weirded by it too

Comments

minissaussette 25

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:17

Well what were you expecting? If someone gave their number to my brother while he was in the restroom you can be damn sure everyone at the table would try to know who it was.

domolovesyoshi 33

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:37

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 15:09

I believe #1 was saying her brother would do the same thing as the hot guy's sister did

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:18

What were you expecting she'd do? I would be weirded by it too

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:19

If some guy came and told me to have my sister's number

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:20

Asked for my sister's number* sorry a bit sleepy lol

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:21

You sure that was his sister?

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:36

Thats what I was thinking. That could have been his girlfriend?

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 18:30

She might have looked to young to be his girlfriend.

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:22

How do you know it was his sister and not his girlfriend?

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 19:01

She probably wouldn't have given her his number then

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 23:22

maybe she was way younger (or older), he called her sister, her parents called her sweetie or something like that or she said mom and/or dad.

proudspanishgirl 10

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:25

So? Boring FML

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:26

What did you think was gonna happen??

Leviathene 34

Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:38

SMH...

toolazytotype99 18

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:45

Well...did he call you?

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 16:38

I don't think

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 14:55

*texting* You: Hi Him: who is this You: i got your number from your sister Him: well thats fucking creepy and sad Honestly OP what did you expect to happen, even if you did get his number without his sister blabbing, how do you think that would come across

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 15:20

She didn't get the guys number from the sister, she asked the sister to give here to the guy. Still weird though...

Eleora 19

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Wednesday 30 March 2016 15:06

At least you tried, OP. We need more people that are willing to take the plunge.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 102

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 289