Love: Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

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Priorities

Motormouth

Stress level: 2020

By mywillyisdisappointed - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

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By JinsNeck.exe - 19/1/2021 19:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Toodles

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

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By SilkySmooth

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By amore89

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By Anonymous

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By whorecrux - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By Kelly

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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By JudasThePriest - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

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By rachlette - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

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By holycow - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 23:01

Cool moves

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

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By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

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By Ladycakes - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By anon17 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

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By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By facingit - Australia

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

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By 404: Sanity Not Found - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

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By tony - United States

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

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By female

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By bananamuffin - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By lindsay

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By fufu_mutt - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Pavarotti next door

Today, I had to hear my neighbor whine again through the walls because he can't talk in a quiet voice. You can hear him from across the street, and that's before he gets drunk. FML

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By AmNot - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

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By toothfairy - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

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By Username - France

Today, the sprinklers in the hotel room came on and stayed on. There was no fire. My family is currently living in the hotel, so everything we own is soaked. FML

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By atleasthelocalsarenice

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Hipnog - Czech Republic

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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By .... - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

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Top comments

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

COMMENTS

By beaglegal | 42

#6340157 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:17

Well I guess it wasn't very (h)armless.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6340400 - Sunday 5 July 2015 0:31

Wait, I don't get it. Was he handsome or not?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6341654 - Monday 6 July 2015 7:02

you guys wouldn't know a good joke if you hit your toe in it like a STUMP.

By Emma1562 | 35

#6340160 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:18

I hope you told him that you just were looking because you thought he was attractive op

Reply

holaitsdez | 12

#6340207 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:57

yes, I was hoping the same thing

Reply

radiocaf | 29

#6340698 - Sunday 5 July 2015 7:37

#2 & #14 me too. Perfect opportunity right there if you ask me.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

Reply

Fiorella1 | 19

#6341589 - Monday 6 July 2015 5:24

Yeah, it's perfectly normal, I do it all the time. I mean the yelling and running out part.

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6340208 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:00

OP can always call him and tell him... that would still make his day

Reply

cksmith51 | 14

#6340290 - Saturday 4 July 2015 21:35

OP would need his number first to do that

Reply

bapbap_fml | 15

#6340337 - Saturday 4 July 2015 22:53

Or call the restaurant. A customer was once very rude to me and called my work later to apologize.

Reply

AbtractAngela | 17

#6341845 - Monday 6 July 2015 11:02

She was with her family, that was the reason she didn't want to do anything like that in the first place.

By _Reign_ | 15

#6340165 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:21

It would take an arm and a leg to recover from that awkward situation.

Reply

johncanact | 13

#6340882 - Sunday 5 July 2015 14:43

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6340174 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:28

It's better you tell him the truth

Reply

disbatch | 14

#6340559 - Sunday 5 July 2015 5:15

yeah, truth is gimp I was checking you out

By BantasaurusRex | 13

#6340175 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:29

Tell. Him. Da. Truth.

By laden_swallow09 | 34

#6340177 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:30

"What? I was- Nooo… *giggle* I was checking /you/ out, big boy!"

Boom. The Flirt-O-Matic 1000 saves you from social faux pas once again!

Now, I just need to adjust the master motivator and the timing pins…

By SouthernSmartass | 5

#6340181 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:38

That's when you tell him you were looking because he was attractive.

By whitetiger13131 | 26

#6340182 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:39

A chance to say something smooth like "I was just picturing it wrapped around me"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6340230 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:16

smoooooooth