Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26930

You deserved it

4060

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Goodbye Bill

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By katerina - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents talking about me and discussing how I've never had a boyfriend. My mum laughed that maybe they should pay someone to go out with me, and my dad replied, "Heh, not enough money in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53075

You deserved it

4182

Tweet

Share

By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2356

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26376

You deserved it

2255

Tweet

Share

By confused - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38094

You deserved it

2950

Tweet

Share

By thickly - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10484

You deserved it

1864

Tweet

Share

By PositiveElectron - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22561

You deserved it

1500

Tweet

Share

By juwkgo - United States

Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33955

You deserved it

5566

Tweet

Share

By needanotherbed - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51971

You deserved it

6114

Tweet

Share

By awks - United States - Stuart

Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22193

You deserved it

5897

Tweet

Share

By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47223

You deserved it

15300

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40201

You deserved it

3659

Tweet

Share

By Nikki

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2324

You deserved it

648

Tweet

Share

By Rick - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37567

You deserved it

2490

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39520

You deserved it

5772

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36743

You deserved it

7246

Tweet

Share

By WiredUp - 21/8/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

The struggle is real

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1269

You deserved it

150

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43003

You deserved it

3749

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Strange metric

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks

195

You deserved it

1339

Tweet

Share

By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32476

You deserved it

2692

Tweet

Share

By BeautifulDisastre - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29405

You deserved it

4735

Tweet

Share

By brokeasscollegelife - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22516

You deserved it

3412

Tweet

Share

By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2402

You deserved it

256

Tweet

Share

By squarecircles - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1421

You deserved it

512

Tweet

Share

By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10602

You deserved it

27569

Tweet

Share

By sexyswollen - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30871

You deserved it

3119

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Silver linings

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1335

You deserved it

324

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42407

You deserved it

5177

Tweet

Share

By martin1022 - United States

Today, recent construction has created a manhole that cars slam over every single morning. This normally starts at 4 a.m. as people make their early commute on my busy street. With every car that hits it, there's a huge echoing slamming noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11568

You deserved it

902

Tweet

Share

By the dead never die

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2119

You deserved it

101

Tweet

Share

By oops - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76389

You deserved it

5664

Tweet

Share

By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53684

You deserved it

6657

Tweet

Share

By ginny - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39045

You deserved it

8183

Tweet

Share

By mjbx - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33768

You deserved it

15884

Tweet

Share

By American Idiot - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12768

You deserved it

1433

Tweet

Share

By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33721

You deserved it

3223

Tweet

Share

By idontbleedfromthere - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22886

You deserved it

2138

Tweet

Share

By benjo - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62921

You deserved it

4802

Tweet

Share

By zippersaremoreimportantthansentiments - United States - Montgomery

Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45075

You deserved it

6385

Tweet

Share

By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2792

You deserved it

331

Tweet

Share

By lostwife - United States

Today, I lost my job for taking an unauthorized vacation. I just got married and requested time off for the wedding and honeymoon months ago; it was approved then. They forgot, and then got angry because I didn't remind them. I did remind them, the day before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43213

You deserved it

2647

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

COMMENTS

By beaglegal | 42

#6340157 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:17

Well I guess it wasn't very (h)armless.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6340400 - Sunday 5 July 2015 0:31

Wait, I don't get it. Was he handsome or not?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6341654 - Monday 6 July 2015 7:02

you guys wouldn't know a good joke if you hit your toe in it like a STUMP.

By Emma1562 | 35

#6340160 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:18

I hope you told him that you just were looking because you thought he was attractive op

Reply

holaitsdez | 12

#6340207 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:57

yes, I was hoping the same thing

Reply

radiocaf | 29

#6340698 - Sunday 5 July 2015 7:37

#2 & #14 me too. Perfect opportunity right there if you ask me.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

Reply

Fiorella1 | 19

#6341589 - Monday 6 July 2015 5:24

Yeah, it's perfectly normal, I do it all the time. I mean the yelling and running out part.

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6340208 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:00

OP can always call him and tell him... that would still make his day

Reply

cksmith51 | 14

#6340290 - Saturday 4 July 2015 21:35

OP would need his number first to do that

Reply

bapbap_fml | 15

#6340337 - Saturday 4 July 2015 22:53

Or call the restaurant. A customer was once very rude to me and called my work later to apologize.

Reply

AbtractAngela | 17

#6341845 - Monday 6 July 2015 11:02

She was with her family, that was the reason she didn't want to do anything like that in the first place.

By _Reign_ | 15

#6340165 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:21

It would take an arm and a leg to recover from that awkward situation.

Reply

johncanact | 13

#6340882 - Sunday 5 July 2015 14:43

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6340174 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:28

It's better you tell him the truth

Reply

disbatch | 14

#6340559 - Sunday 5 July 2015 5:15

yeah, truth is gimp I was checking you out

By BantasaurusRex | 13

#6340175 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:29

Tell. Him. Da. Truth.

By laden_swallow09 | 34

#6340177 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:30

"What? I was- Nooo… *giggle* I was checking /you/ out, big boy!"

Boom. The Flirt-O-Matic 1000 saves you from social faux pas once again!

Now, I just need to adjust the master motivator and the timing pins…

By SouthernSmartass | 5

#6340181 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:38

That's when you tell him you were looking because he was attractive.

By whitetiger13131 | 26

#6340182 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:39

A chance to say something smooth like "I was just picturing it wrapped around me"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6340230 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:16

smoooooooth