Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

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Does it taste good?

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

You snooze, you lose

By emopoe - 6/9/2011 15:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

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By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By John - 13/1/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 2/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

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By dramateach11 - 3/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was trying to get drama students to attempt to make themselves cry. I was not having any luck, until suddenly a girl burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. I jumped up to applaud, saying what a wonderful thing it is to have such expressive kids. Turns out her grandma just died. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By RyanM - 10/3/2010 15:00 - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

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By Birthday girl - 6/1/2013 05:59 - United States - Wahpeton

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 11:48 - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

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By legitfile.bat.virus.exe - 20/6/2014 23:03 - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

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By bull-stuff - 18/1/2013 03:48 - United States - Columbia

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Emily - 5/12/2012 17:55 - United States - Boston

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

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By Rakoric - 16/4/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By weddingcrashed - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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By Jgfenix - 22/9/2015 00:24 - United States - Aurora

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

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By Natsert99 - 8/12/2016 14:02 - United States - Deerfield

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

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By Jbheller - 3/5/2015 00:08 - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

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By EmberLove - 17/1/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 10:04 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

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By lousy - 31/1/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I live with my mother and realized she goes out with her friends and dates more times a week than I do in a single month. FML

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By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By SCdriver - 16/7/2012 06:04 - United States - Lexington

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

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By Weak Disposition - 27/4/2012 04:29 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

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By Amore - 9/12/2014 19:15 - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

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By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By Felinefine - 15/8/2016 19:33 - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

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By Robert - 28/12/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

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By QueenCortana Tiffany Turner - 4/7/2019 02:00

Today, my toddler shat on her carpet again. She also decided to play in it. This is the third time in a month. She's fully potty trained, and thinks it’s funny. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By nakcba - 15/2/2011 10:21

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

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By Ashley Marshburn - 17/10/2010 13:55 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Neanderthals walk among us - 4/8/2013 19:09 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

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Top comments

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

Comments

By beaglegal | 42

#6340157 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:17

Well I guess it wasn't very (h)armless.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6340400 - Sunday 5 July 2015 0:31

Wait, I don't get it. Was he handsome or not?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6341654 - Monday 6 July 2015 7:02

you guys wouldn't know a good joke if you hit your toe in it like a STUMP.

By Emma1562 | 33

#6340160 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:18

I hope you told him that you just were looking because you thought he was attractive op

Reply

holaitsdez | 12

#6340207 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:57

yes, I was hoping the same thing

Reply

radiocaf | 29

#6340698 - Sunday 5 July 2015 7:37

#2 & #14 me too. Perfect opportunity right there if you ask me.

By jet223 | 20

#6340162 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:19

Why don't you just tell him that he was attractive? Well you were with your parents so I guess that's not such a good idea. I guess your only choice now is to say you zoned out and accidentally stared at him. Or just yell really loud and run out of the restaurant.

Reply

Fiorella1 | 19

#6341589 - Monday 6 July 2015 5:24

Yeah, it's perfectly normal, I do it all the time. I mean the yelling and running out part.

By nonsensical | 26

#6340164 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:20

"Oh this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. I was actually checking you out. You're very attractive." THIS WOULD HAVE MADE HIS DAY.

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6340208 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:00

OP can always call him and tell him... that would still make his day

Reply

cksmith51 | 14

#6340290 - Saturday 4 July 2015 21:35

OP would need his number first to do that

Reply

bapbap_fml | 15

#6340337 - Saturday 4 July 2015 22:53

Or call the restaurant. A customer was once very rude to me and called my work later to apologize.

Reply

AbtractAngela | 17

#6341845 - Monday 6 July 2015 11:02

She was with her family, that was the reason she didn't want to do anything like that in the first place.

By _Reign_ | 15

#6340165 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:21

It would take an arm and a leg to recover from that awkward situation.

Reply

johncanact | 13

#6340882 - Sunday 5 July 2015 14:43

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6340174 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:28

It's better you tell him the truth

Reply

disbatch | 14

#6340559 - Sunday 5 July 2015 5:15

yeah, truth is gimp I was checking you out

By BantasaurusRex | 13

#6340175 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:29

Tell. Him. Da. Truth.

By laden_swallow09 | 34

#6340177 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:30

"What? I was- Nooo… *giggle* I was checking /you/ out, big boy!"

Boom. The Flirt-O-Matic 1000 saves you from social faux pas once again!

Now, I just need to adjust the master motivator and the timing pins…

By SouthernSmartass | 5

#6340181 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:38

That's when you tell him you were looking because he was attractive.

By whitetiger13131 | 26

#6340182 - Saturday 4 July 2015 19:39

A chance to say something smooth like "I was just picturing it wrapped around me"

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6340230 - Saturday 4 July 2015 20:16

smoooooooth