Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I came home in an awful mood, and grumbled to my wife that sometimes I want to strangle my boss. My wife regularly screams up and down the house over the most minor shit, but apparently this upset her so much that she took the kids to her mom's, and is demanding I get anger management. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
Today, I realized how toxic and controlling my wife is. She left to go on a vacation, and I'm so used to her micromanaging everything I do that I'm completely unable to function. I tried to play a video game and had a panic attack because I imagined her walking in and screaming at me. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because she’s had to stop seeing her closest friend because of me. Why? Because her friend is stalking me, keeps asking me to divorce my wife, and has even broken in and stolen my stuff, forcing me to involve the police several times, and somehow this is all my fault. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
A relationship is built on trust. You definitely need to address this issue with her.
beezerbnt00 4
Bitches be crazy
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Comments (192)
borkchop1992 15
You should teach her alesson and show her who numero uno is
carminecris89 13
Sounds like someone needs a good back hand to the face to straighten them out.
racerapj 10
Ocho that Hoe!
dlcj18 2
That's actually a horrible idea cause then it would confirm he worst fear
emilyjgraham 34
it was sarcasm...
Nymphetamatrix 19
Take some defensive classes. So then if she does try to hurt you, you can protect yourself without hurting her.
EternalHatred 3
That's actually a really good idea! :D
melrose90210 10
She sounds annoying, Give her a reason to think you'd beat her.
Turtle_rebellion 10
I think that might be enough dr phill for her. The main thing marriages are built around is trust, so I suggest you two work this out. Just be careful about her pulling a knife when you try to talk to her.
Ray_of_midnight 23
Sounds like your wife has a nasty case of Mean World Syndrome. Yes, that's a real term. Mean World Syndrome comes from overexposure to violence in the mass media, e.g. news media coverage of violent incidents, and what happens is that sufferers believe that the world is a way nastier place than it actually is. It's the kind of thing that leads people to arm themselves out of a misplaced fear of violent crime, or demand antiterrorism legislation that abrogates civil rights in the face of the negligible risk that they'll be the victims of a terrorist act.
mspeacock 6
Like the patriot act? Lol
Ray_of_midnight 23
Exactly what I was thinking of.
KVKdragon 26
I'd recommend learning pressure point technique fighting. It's like chi blocking from Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra. This type of fighting allows you to effectively disable your opponent's limbs by hitting the specific pressure points :D
AznSamoan52 10
Or you can just fartbend her. It's not that harmless and it can knock her out without any physical contact.
Dracoboxer357 36
18- And by the sounds of it, takes many years of training to be used effectively at all. :p If you're that worried getting your ass beat for no good reason, just go sign up at an MMA club. Three months of that and you should be ready to handle most one on one encounters safely. :P
steelx3 4
I'd recommend buying a baseball bat or golf club. They're usually effective when used around the head area.
br0ccoli 15
Well, at least she'll be fit. Don't sneak up on her though or else she might karate chop you and split your scrotum in half. Bicycle ride optional.
Dracoboxer357 36
Sounds to me like Op's wife has more than just trust issues going on. Was she abused growing up or is she out of touch from reality? Get her to talk to a doctor face to face instead of just listening to the one on TV dealing with the worst case scenarios of the world. :p
JFurr 9
Next, she'll think you're ******* a toad because he reads too much FML.