Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I came home in an awful mood, and grumbled to my wife that sometimes I want to strangle my boss. My wife regularly screams up and down the house over the most minor shit, but apparently this upset her so much that she took the kids to her mom's, and is demanding I get anger management. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
Today, I realized how toxic and controlling my wife is. She left to go on a vacation, and I'm so used to her micromanaging everything I do that I'm completely unable to function. I tried to play a video game and had a panic attack because I imagined her walking in and screaming at me. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because she’s had to stop seeing her closest friend because of me. Why? Because her friend is stalking me, keeps asking me to divorce my wife, and has even broken in and stolen my stuff, forcing me to involve the police several times, and somehow this is all my fault. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
A relationship is built on trust. You definitely need to address this issue with her.
beezerbnt00 4
Bitches be crazy
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Comments (192)
blakeford 5
Wow. U know wat u should do. Beat her up. Say we're your martial arts now bitch. The let her go and tell her to make u a sandwich.lol
MyssMarsh 11
Not necessarily a bad thing, some guys are into getting beaten.... just sayin'
remorath 2
Leave the bitch
Scoutman 5
If she puts herself in a mans place, she deserves a mans punishment
blueguppie09 0
If OP calls the police all the wife has to do is say he was being verbally abusive, had hit her in the past, Really just make a sob story. Who do you think they're going to believe? The crying wife or the incredulous husband?
wellthatsukx 0
You married that imbecile.
xNephilim 19
Maybe you should go on Dr. Phil's show. It sure would be entertaining to watch.
JockoKC 3
Listening to Dr. Phil will give you brain cancer.
andrevittorstar 6
Divorce the crazy hoe
hiandrews69 29
I think it's time to eliminate Dr. Phil from your tv listings. Either cancel the cable, or get it so she can't access his show. Parent lock maybe? Although, she might find something else like The Wilkos show to obsess about. A divorce might be in your future. That, or intense counseling...