Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I came home in an awful mood, and grumbled to my wife that sometimes I want to strangle my boss. My wife regularly screams up and down the house over the most minor shit, but apparently this upset her so much that she took the kids to her mom's, and is demanding I get anger management. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
Today, I realized how toxic and controlling my wife is. She left to go on a vacation, and I'm so used to her micromanaging everything I do that I'm completely unable to function. I tried to play a video game and had a panic attack because I imagined her walking in and screaming at me. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because she’s had to stop seeing her closest friend because of me. Why? Because her friend is stalking me, keeps asking me to divorce my wife, and has even broken in and stolen my stuff, forcing me to involve the police several times, and somehow this is all my fault. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
A relationship is built on trust. You definitely need to address this issue with her.
beezerbnt00 4
Bitches be crazy
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Comments (192)
cswens25 8
I know some people like that, and I always want to beat the living shit out of them when they say things along those lines. Ultimately my desire to stay out of jail prevails and I don't do it.
Mekeritrig 15
If she's learning at the local McDojo she'll just have the illusion of being able to defend herself.
Iniezian 18
Take martial arts classes yourself.
Calingaladha 21
Explain to her that relationships should be built upon trust, and that you would never beat her. If this fails, employ her new karate chop technique in the making of sandwiches.
Len_Kagamine 8
Does she also think your daughter's putting alchohol in her tampons..?
zandalee 20
...and that you are having a sexual relationship with the pet Toad.
puertoricanjoy 6
Just tell her to shut up, and get back in the kitchen, that'll do the trick! Oh, but be very careful how you ask for your sandwich! You have to say please!! In all seriousness, I would seriously consider marriage counseling....seems like she has some issues that really need worked out......preferably before you get the crap beat outta you :)
dmac843 2
DIVORCE HER NOW! It's only gonna get worse.
ellytoad 13
Soon she'll ironically be abusing him. Even now. Threats of bodily harm are not cool.
mercsl65 7
elly toad-I don't know binary code can you rewrite your bio?
ellytoad 13
She should educate herself on the signs of an abuser before jumping to conclusions about everyday aspects of human relationships. If she's losing trust in you due to Gut Feelings, having a frank talk about whatever it is you're doing that she's interpreting as bad would be helpful. Do you clench your fists when you get angry, etc. *sigh* I don't know.
trismagestus 19
She fulfills many of the signs of an abuser herself.
rightspark 7
Get a Smith & Wesson
the_optimist 0
Well now she can defend herself if she gets mugged.