Rollercoaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

I was the bullet in the relationship

Today, for the first time in two years, I met my ex-girlfriend. I was drunk. FML

Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

Spontaneous

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML