Miscellaneous: Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk...

By ishouldntdrink - 10/01/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 887

You deserved it 39 133

Miscellaneous

Walk the line

Too Much Information

Do me a solid

By sadface - 18/08/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 735

You deserved it 3 092

By Anonymous - 05/02/2013 22:59 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 698

You deserved it 9 108

By busfail - 22/03/2012 18:00 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 520

You deserved it 2 870

By Screwed - 03/10/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 918

You deserved it 3 125

By parentalnightmare - 16/04/2016 04:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 918

You deserved it 1 385

By ilikecake - 29/05/2009 11:12 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 350

You deserved it 53 307

By anonymous - 15/08/2016 03:06 - United States - Pewaukee

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 267

You deserved it 1 287

By noname - 29/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 012

You deserved it 3 208

By Undercover - 12/10/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 583

You deserved it 4 406

By homerde - 05/02/2011 06:29 - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 230

You deserved it 6 980

Nice Dream

By Better seamstress than mistress - 12/05/2021 19:59

Today, I dreamt that the fabric and pattern I was working on were sliding off the table so I quickly reached to grab it, effectively driving my fingers into my husband's eyes. Fuck his life too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 77

By hopeless - 14/02/2015 20:04 - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 663

You deserved it 2 860

By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/04/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 292

You deserved it 2 775

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 272

You deserved it 13 864

By dumbass - 15/12/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. I hit my own parked car while trying to drive my mother's car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 860

You deserved it 27 014

By damnitsam - 06/08/2017 20:00

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 275

You deserved it 408

By rickjameson - 29/08/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 104

You deserved it 1 018

By someonesomething - 05/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 189

You deserved it 12 743

By roseland - 07/07/2013 20:07 - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 024

You deserved it 6 180

Some dream…

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 17:00

Today, I'm a full-time Investment Portfolio Analyst at one of the largest groups. It has been my dream job and I worked my ass off. I'm one of the best analysts there and people like me. Also, I haven't slept properly for 3 months, without a single day off. I'm about to get mentally sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 444

By a-mishunderstanding - 08/08/2011 04:07

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 021

You deserved it 2 838

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 955

You deserved it 4 452

By jazzybell - 21/11/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 203

You deserved it 6 710

Understandable.

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 3 116

By 4themoneh - 05/04/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work, so I decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car. I woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 444

You deserved it 38 321

By newswithabitofbite - 28/08/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 791

You deserved it 3 206

Hello?

By Anonymous - 19/03/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 486

You deserved it 4 154

By ticked - 06/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 530

You deserved it 47 907

Casual racism

By seeking new employment - 07/01/2016 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 746

You deserved it 2 097

By kbeavv - 11/02/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 903

You deserved it 4 784

Misunderstood

By fuck - 18/03/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 508

You deserved it 4 045

By lefthandspanker - 27/08/2015 16:34 - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 818

You deserved it 1 613

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 054

You deserved it 4 067

By badsister - 10/01/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year old sister passed out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 129

You deserved it 59 367

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 2 045

By Mike Polk - 03/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 112

You deserved it 5 902

By Holland - 04/04/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 971

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 22/05/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 4 471

By Jessica - 21/08/2012 08:21 - United States

Today, I found out that two kids were able to, without much effort, convince my 16-year-old daughter that her friend's house was used to smuggle out Jews during WWII. His house was built in 2007. We also live in America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 915

You deserved it 3 469

Phished

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with a man who, as it turns out, doesn't actually exist. Thank you, the internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 627

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Shalamar 4

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:33

I'm getting the impression that you make a habit of getting blind drunk and texting people, then not remembering the following day. If I were you, I'd (a) stop drinking so much, (b) leave the phone at home if you're going to get that drunk, or (c) all of the above.

Shadic 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 22:06

Oh man. This trend of "I got drunk and did something stupid, fuck my life." is totally not getting old, people. Oh wait. Yes, yes it is.

1800getalife 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:14

hahahhaah

JassyJas 2

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:16

Did he like it?

futuremarine5 4

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 July 2010 3:46

I hope for your sake that your boss is female and REALLY likes you

pwetzel 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:17

YDI for beig that drunk lol and first!

sexybeastsexybea 0

Send a private message

Sunday 17 October 2010 20:55

not exactly...

DaDezza244 31

Send a private message

Wednesday 15 August 2012 13:49

*being And you're not 1st idiot

nnero0 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:32

YDI for not turning off ur phone before drunkness gets u xD and u should post them in textsfromlastnight xD

Shalamar 4

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:33

zaphilia 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:38

How can he stop getting drunk and leave his phone home when he's going to go get drunk?

Gothgrl39 0

Send a private message

Monday 11 January 2010 8:42

I'd say

cherstewart 0

Send a private message

Friday 12 February 2010 5:21

Yes.

zaphilia 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:35

I bet you're fun to be around when you're drunk.

roaminginsomniac 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:43

You must be REALLY stupid then. Get into AA. You're an alcoholic.

_sunshinee 0

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 22:25

Wow you dont even know if they're actually an alcoholic.

cherstewart 0

Send a private message

Friday 12 February 2010 5:23

I guess I missed this sign/symptom when learning about alcoholism. You should contact AA and make sure they know this is an additional symptom to the addiction for their meetings.

jollyjam1 2

Send a private message

Sunday 10 January 2010 20:46

Another genius drug user and his genius escapade. When will people learn?

dntknowaname 0

Send a private message

Monday 11 January 2010 0:14

another self important douchebag. When will people learn?

cherstewart 0

Send a private message

Friday 12 February 2010 5:36

Plenty of geniuses are, or were, drug users. I'm glad that you've taken the time to recognize this on the internet(s). 01000101011101100110010101110010011110010111010001101000011010010110111001100111 00100000011010000110000101110011001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110000 01101111011101000110010101101110011101000110100101100001011011000010000001110100 01101111001000000110111101100011011000110111010101110010001000000110111001100001 0111010001110101011100100110000101101100011011000111100100101110 ^I can bet you don't know what that says. It is in a code devised by someone who has used LSD. Another individual of less than average intelligence shooting his or her mouth off in an attempt to appear to be self-righteous. A hint - you can't be smugly superior when you're the only one around being intolerant. Turns out you end up being the ignorant ass.