Intimacy: Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never...

By theish - 04/02/2011 14:08

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 904

You deserved it 6 992

Intimacy

Walk the line

Leave us alone

A boy can dream

By burnbabyburn - 11/11/2015 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 269

You deserved it 2 108

By fird - 25/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 285

By Foot In Mouth - 13/07/2016 02:46 - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 249

You deserved it 5 971

By Anonymous - 15/05/2012 04:07 - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 396

You deserved it 4 842

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 237

You deserved it 12 808

By ugly5402 - 06/01/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 246

You deserved it 26 723

By kill me now - 16/01/2017 21:22

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 149

You deserved it 6 534

Where you been?

By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I headed out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 088

You deserved it 35 916

Kitchen nightmares

By Clumsy - 24/08/2021 11:01 - Brazil - Niterói

Today, I accepted I can't cook at all. Why? I burned myself cooking popcorn in a microwave oven. I accidentally burst the package open and a scorching kernel flew into my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 163

By not cool - 28/06/2013 05:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 731

You deserved it 3 167

Landlords gonna landlord

By goingtobeevicted - 25/04/2013 06:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 862

You deserved it 48 126

By Ew - 26/05/2016 13:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 435

You deserved it 12 028

By IPityTheStool - 09/06/2011 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 413

You deserved it 7 582

By LennyLemon - 25/08/2016 13:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 944

You deserved it 1 062

Entitled

By RachelD - 17/07/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, I can’t make it to my friend’s birthday party because my dog died this morning. I called my friend to inform her and she screamed at me because a "dumb animal" is more important than her best friend. Oh, and she asked me if that also means she won’t be getting a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 113

By ellabellabooboo - 22/03/2015 02:27 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 206

You deserved it 2 671

By Ashley - 03/05/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 722

You deserved it 2 251

By WeightAMinute - 09/07/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 680

You deserved it 6 281

Chill out, Bugs

By trex_life - 14/03/2021 20:00

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 484

By amberrenee91 - 19/03/2013 03:29 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 499

You deserved it 17 783

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 963

You deserved it 57 261

By JessMelodique - 14/12/2016 03:01

Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 161

You deserved it 725

By thanksad - 23/08/2013 01:38 - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 349

You deserved it 3 669

By gloomy - 15/08/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 688

You deserved it 768

By xo007 - 04/11/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 707

You deserved it 3 724

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 185

You deserved it 20 401

By . - 16/10/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 273

You deserved it 4 032

Not what you think

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 03/06/2021 11:01

Today, I got an unexpected call from my ex who I'd had been missing. He repeatedly called me a whore for having multiple hotel rooms in the last couple of weeks. I had them because I got a promotion at work and have been working out of town frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 96

By impickingyourhomegran - 13/08/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 566

You deserved it 1 896

By GreatParenting - 26/07/2015 22:47 - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 061

You deserved it 1 941

By radiationkillz - 21/03/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 205

You deserved it 7 278

High on life

By sistertaxi - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 523

You deserved it 2 727

By corleon198425 - 19/02/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 061

You deserved it 2 370

About that...

By Gay younger brother - 30/06/2018 01:30

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 526

You deserved it 485

By bastardddd - 11/04/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 379

You deserved it 6 364

By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 07:38 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 845

You deserved it 6 297

By erpuchi - 01/12/2010 01:52 - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 427

You deserved it 6 998

By aloneinaz - 15/01/2017 20:00

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 671

You deserved it 822

Comedic timing

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 16:00 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while at a family baby shower, my grandfather thought it would be funny to inform me, in front of everyone, that I had gotten fat. I'm 7 months pregnant and the baby shower was for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 149

Heavy sandwich, man

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 22:01

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 87

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Top comments

ROFLBERRYPIE 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:11

Better check your toothpaste.

uberletepoon 10

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:15

check your sunscreen in the summer too. unless you like SPF 69

mandikay23 3

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:06

owned!!

gabbster95 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 21:20

and you would know this because? lol

InBetweenDreams 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 22:04

It probably is good for your hair since it's mostly protein. :) Still, that's gross!

josephhhhhh 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 22:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

bfad2010 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 22:33

it actually is mostly protein.. she's right... idiot

InBetweenDreams 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 22:33

Maybe I shouldn't have said "mostly" protein, but it does have protein in it. Look it up. Semen is only 10% sperm. The rest is made up of enzymes, protein, vitamin C, calcium etc. One average ejaculation has 150 mg of protein. I don't see how I'm an idiot. :/

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 4 February 2011 23:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Takador 3

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Friday 4 February 2011 23:53

1) atleast it was older bro, couldve been worse if it was a youger brother 2) horse semen is good for your skin

josephhhhhh 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 0:38

lmao so semen is good after work out...good to know!

AwesomeAsFcuk 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 1:59

well I can see how that's disgusting taken that they aren't yours but there's definitely nothing wrong with using your own. it's healthy for your hair and the smell makes most girls horny. I mean I use it all the time and my hair is beautiful.

stro88 6

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Saturday 5 February 2011 5:20

hahaha. gut check your bro.

capt_awesome1 11

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Saturday 5 February 2011 11:24

49 is right, a single ejaculation had as much protein as a medium sized steak. just saying. (:

fudgepirate 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 18:35

am i the only one thinking his brother must be really gay to jack off with his into a jar...

fudgepirate 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 18:36

oops i meant with his friend..

dakota154 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 0:43

97 I hope your joking...

Fresh4416 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 6:52

yes, I've heard semen had vitamins and protein in it. Anyways, open your mouth, it's time for your daily vitamins.

onepluszero 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 14:20

152 n 49, u would know all those facts about semen...

JManHobbs 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 14:46

^creep

gamercanadian 11

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Monday 7 February 2011 9:47

^yes he is lol

EatMoreRice 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 0:18

you sure have a lot of knowledge abi out semen, don't you..

Jizwold 0

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Saturday 12 February 2011 1:25

this fml is full of homosexuality unless op is a chick In which case wincest

meetmissmayhem 4

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Monday 25 June 2012 10:07

#97 I really hope you're joking. If you're not joking then you're seriously a sick disgusting loser. Gross.

snowwhite92 5

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Saturday 27 October 2012 15:43

It also contains half your daily intake of salt.

repede 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:07

thats interesting, you would think you would know what cum looks like... then again when it's mixed with some form of shampoo, who really knows what it looks like

iSitt 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 23:34

op didn't Smell something funky ?

therealdavid 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 3:12

Doesn't semen dry up if its not frozen?

Warlemming 7

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Saturday 5 February 2011 12:36

If it's in a jar or container I would imagine it wouldn't especially when mixed with real gel.

cameron_natasha 0

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Friday 5 August 2011 21:35

what does op mean?

musicfreak9821 6

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Saturday 3 September 2011 15:25

op means original poster.!

BlackMoon_fml 9

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:09

How did you not notice? Gel and "man-juice" have completely different textures. >_>

urlifesfked 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 20:46

You would know, wouldn't you?

thebignixie 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 21:04

I'm sorry but 30 made me laugh

WillKill4Beer 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 2:24

Your a hot lil snow bunny! <3 :P

Sweetpea137 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 5:24

win

Toxicweed69 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 7:31

abt to say that

kidskater24 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 8:56

damn ur sexy! but then again true...how WOULD you know? O.o

jeremyt8nc 6

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Saturday 5 February 2011 9:42

Her profile says Prostitution..ha

mightymart 5

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Saturday 5 February 2011 11:22

you guys need to get out more...

Give_Linux_A_Go 28

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Saturday 16 July 2011 22:07

there's something about mary...

TheBarnacle 4

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:09

this. is. just. epic.

MrsConcieded2k14 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:48

I agree

KirstenLovesYou 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 8:30

totally!

bmiller2047 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:09

your hair must've been awesome like in there's something about mary ;)

ZacharyClift 1

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Saturday 5 February 2011 9:48

that movie rocked.

nicole1784 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 2:13

i was just thinking that!

emohunter 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 11:32

same

BeautyBaby099 18

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Saturday 7 September 2013 22:39

Haha that's what I was thinking

projoe 0

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Friday 4 February 2011 19:10

hahaha older brothers are so mean :P mine is moving out soon... maybe I will be free of pranks like tht for a while, at least in my house hold! maybe you'll cum up with a way to get back at him op! (ha see Wht I did there?)