Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room....

By Perpetually F-ed. - 17/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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Intimacy

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Live dumping

By Scorned - 16/9/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

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By Bamamomma01 - 13/3/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I went to get my midterm essay grade thinking I couldn't have made lower than a B. Got to class and my douchebag professor gave me an F. He wrote "Best essay I read, would've been an A if it was the right topic." I wrote on the Industrial Revolution, instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML

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By c.hip - 19/8/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By Username - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

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By denise - 23/11/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 08:46 - United States

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By stixx - 25/10/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 04:55 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

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By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By MI3 - 19/4/2012 07:34 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 14:24 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By SolaceInRage - 20/3/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 22:29 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Boarder - 1/6/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 16:50 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By ewwgross - 20/5/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

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By supertango500 - 11/3/2013 18:56 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By in_pain - 6/5/2011 23:23 - Canada

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

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By ummPORQUE - 7/5/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

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By nullpointer - 3/8/2016 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

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By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

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By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By Ex-Employee - 31/7/2016 02:14 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for causing a "commotion" at work while running the vacuum. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - 1/2/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

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By EyupItsLucas - 24/3/2020 13:35

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

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By TheNerd - 12/5/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

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By gettinganF - 23/5/2016 11:57 - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

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By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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By HadToApologize - 3/11/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

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Top comments

By audyy_fml | 0

#2231597 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 23:35

"a tube of half-used lube".. this is really different than a half-used tube of lube..

By AliSama | 17

#5399 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:56

what is Astroglide? seriously? *google is my friend* Ewww. lol.

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#5399 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:56

what is Astroglide? seriously? *google is my friend* Ewww. lol.

By Epoch | 0

#44393 - Friday 20 March 2009 5:01

um. astroglide is GAY sex lube.

jimmyjamesyall | 4

#3041593 - Friday 5 August 2011 4:10

I mean, or for hetero normal or anal... but that's cool, too, you shut-in.

fuzzycubby | 0

#3574181 - Saturday 12 November 2011 2:24

Dumbass, so what if it's GAY lube. You have a problem with gays?

Sheepiebeepie | 26

#7418115 - Tuesday 28 February 2017 20:42

It's just regular lube, homophobe.

By mikeloyst | 0

#44434 - Friday 20 March 2009 5:23

number 8, thats probably why hes Fuck my life. His parents assume he'll be hooking up with girls....if they have no idea hes gay.

And to everyone saying how his younger brother and parents are in his dorm? that probably means they are visiting him at college, so he usually does not have to hide his shit.