Intimacy: Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room....

By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Noise

By whatever - United States

Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML

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By adamwilcockson - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By weswithaute - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By oops - United Kingdom

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By Karenfast17 - 3/3/2021 14:58 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Are you experienced?

Today, I have to write my resume, and my teacher asked me about my secondary school activities. I'd never joined in any activities at that time, did no work experience, no volunteer work, except for two activities that I did in an institution centre this year. This all means I'm good at NOTHING. FML

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By lumi - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

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By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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By willieboom - United States

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

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By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

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By Grevling - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

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By bestiality? do I look like a pig? - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop. Out of curiosity, I clicked through the bookmarks in his web browser. One of them took me to a site dedicated to sex stories featuring characters from My Little Pony. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By JubileeBee - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

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By OhGeez - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By liu_kang - United States

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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By housewiththinwalls - Sweden

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

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By flipnazn - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

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By Somebody kill me! - 2/5/2021 00:30

Time out

Today, after a year and a half of overexploitation at work without getting paid for it, I can finally have a deserved vacation. Why? I caught Covid. FML

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By Jillian Drute - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By Anonymous

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By wtf

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By unengaged - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By Ethan - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 23:58 - Antigua and Barbuda - Saint John's

Caring

Today, I woke up with a fever, headache and sore throat. All the symptoms of Covid-19. I told my husband, whose responded with, "Sack up and get over yourself." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westwood

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

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By John LegoHair

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a wig. It's my real hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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Top comments

By audyy_fml | 0

#2231597 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 23:35

"a tube of half-used lube".. this is really different than a half-used tube of lube..

By AliSama | 17

#5399 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:56

what is Astroglide? seriously? *google is my friend* Ewww. lol.

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#5399 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:56

what is Astroglide? seriously? *google is my friend* Ewww. lol.

By Epoch | 0

#44393 - Friday 20 March 2009 5:01

um. astroglide is GAY sex lube.

jimmyjamesyall | 4

#3041593 - Friday 5 August 2011 4:10

I mean, or for hetero normal or anal... but that's cool, too, you shut-in.

fuzzycubby | 0

#3574181 - Saturday 12 November 2011 2:24

Dumbass, so what if it's GAY lube. You have a problem with gays?

Sheepiebeepie | 26

#7418115 - Tuesday 28 February 2017 20:42

It's just regular lube, homophobe.

By mikeloyst | 0

#44434 - Friday 20 March 2009 5:23

number 8, thats probably why hes Fuck my life. His parents assume he'll be hooking up with girls....if they have no idea hes gay.

And to everyone saying how his younger brother and parents are in his dorm? that probably means they are visiting him at college, so he usually does not have to hide his shit.