By TaraBURGER - 17/09/2013 07:57 - United States
TaraBURGER tells us more.
Add a comment - Reply to : #
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Don't ignore it, talk to them about it. They can only see their side right now and need reassurances from you that you love them and are happy they are your parents. I'm guessing you didn't fully discuss this with them ahead of time, which may be adding to why they're upset. Good luck to you and I hope you got what you needed so you can move forward and have a happy life.
#58 although it's her life and she can do what she wants, showing respect by opening up a discussion could have been beneficial. I never said for her to not meet her birth mother, everyone has that right, but going with your attitude would cause more problems. There's nothing wrong with speaking with her parents, expressing her desire and reasons, and showing them that she values them by coming to them first so they won't be as upset. Communication within families is important. That doesn't mean she can't see her birth mother.
#91, Why did she had to open the discussion? My opinion (and by looking at the comments, a lot of people agree) is that it is perfectly normal to want to meet your birth parents. This is an aspect that should have been talked about in the adoption-process, the parents should have been prepared. The parents are the one's that feel unreasonable insecure, they should re-open the communication. They know of the visit, so they had one conversation at least. That convo probably didn't went well... Did they freak out emediatly and closed off any other open debate? How could she have guessed that they would react in this way? If the father decides to play mute, then he should re-start the debate when he feels like talking, the same for the mother when she calms down. OP doesn't have to keep trying and trying until they are calmed down, they are the one's freaking out. Why are the family-members calling her a bitch? That's an adult response to a very normal desire to meet your birth-parents (mother). SHE doesn't get shown any respect. They are emotionally blackmailing her into dropping the normal desire and when that fails, they are calling her names. This is regardless of her being 21 and it being her life. How does she have an attitude? The family has an attitude!
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.Show it anyway
They should of kept the secret to themselves if they're going to be so immature about it
I don't recall any secrets being mentioned in the FML, but keeping a secret is hardly a sign of maturity; as we have probably all experienced, the pain of the truth is trivial compared to the hurt and distrust bred from lies. OP can clarify the situation now, but imagine how her family might react had they discovered her hiding this enormous encounter.
That's actually kind of a good point. If they feared her leaving them because of her biological mom, perhaps they should have questioned whether they wanted to tell her and whether it would really make a difference. Unless of course, if OP was old enough to remember, then it's out of their hands.
I would think, if she were old enough to remember being adopted she would have already met her birth mother in a way that was significant. I know several people who waited until the kid was an adult to tell them they were adopted. One of my mom's friends did not know until she was 56, by then everyone was either dead or hard to find. You just have to make sure you can handle the anger when the person finds out they are adopted and gets pissed off you "lied" to them.
I take it you're adopted? Trust me, I get how you must be feeling and your family will come to terms with it. Maybe explain to them how you feel and that you're not replacing them. You probably didn't post this for advice, but there's some anyway. I hope everything goes okay with your family and went okay with meeting your birth mother :]
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.Show it anyway
I had the same thing happen to me.. because my birth mother found me on facebook.. I had to cut my 7 older siblings out of my life, as well as my parents, because of their lies.
Was cutting all of them out *really* necessary? Sure, they should've told you, and I'm sure that was an awfully emotionally straining thing to find out in so matter-of-fact a way, but your adopted family cared enough to raise you, so that reaction seems a bit harsh, if you're saying that you cut *all* ties with them forever.
calling the OP names and guilt-tripping her is "cute?" i think it's nasty and mean. why wouldn't her family support her? from her post, it doesn't seem like she's looking for a "replacement" mom--she just wants to know who brought her into the world. unless there's something else going on, which is entirely possible, i think their reaction is childish and unwarranted. jmo.
I feel like maybe there should have been an immediate family discussion before you went to meet her. Understandably you would want to get to know your real mother, but if they were decent enough to tell you the truth and care for you all these years; the least they deserved was a talk or warning. That's just IMO though.
Adoptive parents can be really shit. That doesn't seem to be the case here. But drawing the line of 'real' between birth- and who raised alone is just as presumptuous as everything else. My adopted mother is an abusive psychopath, my birth mother actually gives two fucks about me. Go figure who I call my real mom. It's not a black and white matter.
I call my biological parents my real parents and so does my sister. We were foster kids since we were little and for us it's easier to distinguish them from our foster family's when we talk about them to our friends if they ask about them. Otherwise out friends get confused as to which parents we are talking about. It's no harm done and easier for everyone.
My parents still think that I'm trying to replace them. I don't think they understand that this woman is only technically my mother. She isn't my mommy and never could be. I also found out I have a little sister, which is kinda cool. I haven't even told them about her. I'd get booted out of the family tree. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they just shut me down every time and pulled the whole, "Are we not good enough for you?" bullshit on me. I went on Facebook and found her right away. She's a very nice lady, but I still just call her by her first name. Like I said, she isn't my momma. Also, I saw something on here about the real mom vs. biological mom debate. Personally, I think saying "real mom" is a bit weird. My real mom is the one that changed my diapers, read to me at night, and comforted me when I came home from school crying. I think biological mom is less offensive to adoptive mothers. I have and will never use the term "real mom" to describe my biological mother.