Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped...

By DroppedTheSoap - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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1885

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No-life

Holiday assumptions

Inappropriate crush

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

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27158

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By RoastedbyNature

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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4400

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380

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By good friend - United States - Missoula

Today, my friends and I had our Christmas party. I ended up being the only one sober, and had to drive each and every person home. There were 15 of us. FML

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40410

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By Fuckmylife - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

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2440

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178

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By John - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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9083

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By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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39594

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7642

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By poopcoloredeyes - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

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38107

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3675

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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7711

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By wouldn'tyouliketoknow

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

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1458

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116

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By Sean - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

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41174

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7633

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By Ishikur - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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25389

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By quit fucking up my life - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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48543

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By matou - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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32276

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By habsgurl0622 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25653

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2988

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1113

You deserved it

164

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By nanuka_g - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Two teenagers behind me had already seen the picture once and shared the entire plot with their friend during first 10 minutes. The finale was intended to be a great twist and I knew it from the very beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33397

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3460

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By BloodyHands

Today, my coworker and I were written up after we dropped a glass table, which shattered and left us with big cuts on our hands and arms. We weren’t written up for breaking the piece, but because a nearby customer heard us both swear in pain and reported us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5325

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303

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By ctop - United States

Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML

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39349

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8398

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By dabull - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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54792

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3958

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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62718

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By Anonymous

Deliverance

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

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1485

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132

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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65477

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4351

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to conquer my fear of blades, and tried shaving my legs with a razor. I sat on the side of my bathtub and wet my legs, but some of the water splashed. I slipped on it and fell back, hitting my head on the tile wall and slicing my leg open at the same time. FML

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34071

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By Humiliated - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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29744

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By justjoking - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

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39603

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By richkief76

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

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35858

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By JimmyT - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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42460

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1707

You deserved it

469

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By TooTallNiCo - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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13960

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 20:06 - Nigeria

Just because you can don't mean you should

Today, I got stuck in my washing machine. When my sister saw me, she just left me there. FML

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286

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708

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By Gayer men’s team

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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3702

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1311

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By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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40198

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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51675

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By NotThatKind - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

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24580

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By Lexi - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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8185

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16967

You deserved it

4177

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By ahddib - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

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34048

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

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29375

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3093

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By strawberrykiwi62 - Israel

Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML

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54971

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By Anonymous - United States - Hialeah

Today, my friend was complaining about about her new boyfriend. Playing around, I told her that he sounded a lot like my ex. He is. FML

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28577

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7797278 - Thursday 25 April 2019 21:04

What’s with all the nipple injury stories lately?

I’m cramping up from the continual cringing.

(I hope my enemies don’t see this.)

By melisssa87 | 30

#7797272 - Thursday 25 April 2019 20:38

May the force be with you

COMMENTS

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7797270 - Thursday 25 April 2019 20:37

I'm not even sure what to say. But you probably wouldn't hear me above the laughter. Sorry.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7797272 - Thursday 25 April 2019 20:38

May the force be with you

Giovanni Adamo | 16

#7797344 - Friday 26 April 2019 2:10

good one

By dasin | 16

#7797277 - Thursday 25 April 2019 20:56

wait blood nipple play and star wars bandaid ruin the mood? LOL

By RichardPencil | 29

#7797278 - Thursday 25 April 2019 21:04

What’s with all the nipple injury stories lately?

I’m cramping up from the continual cringing.

(I hope my enemies don’t see this.)

melisssa87 | 30

#7797283 - Thursday 25 April 2019 21:17

AHA! I found your Achilles nipple

RichardPencil | 29

#7797288 - Thursday 25 April 2019 22:01

Yes, but you’re not my enemy.

At least, that’s what I think.

melisssa87 | 30

#7797292 - Thursday 25 April 2019 22:12

That’s true, I’m just portraying what your enemies would say

Gubbon | 8

#7798478 - Tuesday 30 April 2019 5:20

Now kiss?

0neiros | 13

#7799045 - Wednesday 1 May 2019 22:07

Achilles Nipple sounds like a Star Wars character.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7797303 - Thursday 25 April 2019 22:57

The force was strong with the body wash bottle.

By davidfong | 14

#7797346 - Friday 26 April 2019 2:14

Hey don’t be afraid to show people the Star Wars bandaid, Star Wars is cool 😎

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7797354 - Friday 26 April 2019 3:11

idk why i always cringe when women use the phrase "my man".

By mekiswrite | 19

#7797559 - Friday 26 April 2019 20:09

Role play! You can be Booba Fett!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7797653 - Saturday 27 April 2019 5:39

The Force was strong with that one! Sounds like you really felt it!

By idragosani | 8

#7798347 - Monday 29 April 2019 19:32

I'd say that band-aid is a bonus for your man!