Animals: Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out... - FML

By Ear Invasion - 26/01/2013 05:53 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 310

You deserved it 3 439

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

There's no helping some people

Too passionate for me

By Instacreep - 20/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 114

You deserved it 4 361

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 058

You deserved it 6 431

By FuckThis - 31/08/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Spicy

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 226

You deserved it 2 511

By LP - 16/02/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 539

You deserved it 2 356

By fucking_worthless_loser - 08/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 740

You deserved it 1 999

By Anonymous - 28/03/2016 20:23 - United States

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 697

You deserved it 2 641

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 06:00 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I fell down the stairs with a cup of coffee. It gave me burns on my arm and I sprained my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 29/09/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 339

You deserved it 317

By Jack.mercado - 19/03/2016 16:58 - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 559

You deserved it 12 183

By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 429

You deserved it 11 628

Put it all back

By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - 22/08/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully, they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 022

You deserved it 4 352

By Brad - 08/03/2009 05:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157 130

You deserved it 7 487

Thanks?

By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went out with a guy who, about 20 minutes into our dinner, said, "Wow, you don't sweat much for a fat chick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 152

You deserved it 549

By BestBF - 23/04/2013 23:22 - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 196

You deserved it 8 701

By Oh Cock - 10/10/2015 15:15 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 055

You deserved it 7 896

Invisible Woman

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:01

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 356

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 14:20 - United Kingdom - Bishops Stortford

Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 412

You deserved it 8 856

By janedoe - 12/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 680

You deserved it 12 702

By Anonymous - 21/02/2012 19:17 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 671

You deserved it 6 361

By mary - 09/08/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 955

You deserved it 6 836

By Nyah Murphy - 05/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 4 957

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

Spicy

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 985

You deserved it 3 562

How? Why?

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

Spicy

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 312

By Mith - 04/02/2009 10:56 - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 329

You deserved it 17 950

By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 814

You deserved it 2 632

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 917

You deserved it 9 166

By maturity - 08/04/2013 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 967

You deserved it 64 118

By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 783

You deserved it 1 667

By idk - 04/09/2015 14:15 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 930

You deserved it 2 778

By shoveless - 20/12/2016 21:08 - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 616

You deserved it 556

By houdini - 03/02/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 881

You deserved it 11 627

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 879

You deserved it 14 086

By PerfectTiming - 08/07/2013 11:19 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 818

You deserved it 4 668

By chocofreak - 10/05/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 168

You deserved it 44 833

By Shodan2112 - 18/02/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 970

You deserved it 9 609

By ReallyBro - 21/03/2012 07:27 - United States - Keller

Spicy

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 338

You deserved it 11 288

By liLbob6598 - 10/01/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 903

You deserved it 2 631

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 01:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 019

You deserved it 85 106

By Anonymous - 20/05/2016 11:29 - United States - Westwood

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 901

You deserved it 1 078

By peachykeen - 15/02/2016 01:05 - United States - Savannah

Spicy

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 935

You deserved it 1 907

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:14

Did you name him Jiminy??

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:13

that little bugger

Comments

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:13

that little bugger

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Saturday 26 January 2013 17:02

And after all this time he thought his conscious was just chirping at him. I bet It was bugging him for a long time.

insertnameherr 11

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Saturday 26 January 2013 20:52

how does one even manage to get a cricket stuck in their ear?

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:14

neat magic trick....

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:14

Did you name him Jiminy??

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Saturday 26 January 2013 13:13

Well, Jiminy did think he was a conscience. (: What better way to try and get into the mind of the OP? (:

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Saturday 26 January 2013 15:43

*Jimminy

GothickNihilist 15

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Saturday 26 January 2013 18:40

Well it is a proper cricket name. Oh and always let your conscience be your guide. OP next time make friends with a cat named Figaro. :3

JustKittyKat 24

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Saturday 26 January 2013 19:21

I once saved a cricket from my cat and named him, Cri-kee like the one in Mulan.

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:14

Gonna get yourself used to chirp-less nights!

yoursucklives 36

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:15

very nice of you to befriend it!

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:22

Could have been worse. Could have been a dung beetle.

ma12r 22

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:25

how???....I don't even.....

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:28

Could have crawled up to your brain and ate it.

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Sunday 27 January 2013 22:22

No...

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:29

My grandpa used to pull quarters out of my ears. Maybe your doctor is your grandpa, but he doesn't want to be obvious about it.

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Saturday 26 January 2013 14:06

Or your grampa was a doctor and you had crickets AND quarters in your ear...

testestestes123 4

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Saturday 26 January 2013 12:30

I knew a guy who had a roach crawl in his ear while sleeping. He had to go to the hospital in the middle if the night to remove it. He slept with cotton balls in his ears after that. Traumatized much? Me thinks, yes.

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Saturday 26 January 2013 13:36

I've had mosquitoes get in my ears before, but I would probably freak the hell out if it was anything else (I freak out enough at the mosquitoes...). Aaaaagh.

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Saturday 26 January 2013 13:43

I've had a gnat fly up my nose and freaked out because I couldn't find the damn bug! I even blew my nose like crazy trying to get it out! :P

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Saturday 26 January 2013 18:28

There once was a lady why swallowed a gnat. Why she do dat?

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Saturday 26 January 2013 20:44

Gawd I hate roaches, those damn little shits need to find elsewhere to make their homes

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 8

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 125

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 55