Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML
Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him… but I can hear him in the walls. FML
Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
chevygirl23 17
Call animal control
Trym 7
Hiss back! Display your dominance!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (157)
sunnyray812 42
Held hostage by raccoons.
spoo 24
They demand.... MORE GARBAGE
cathrope 10
Shot them?
coried91 28
First off, it would be shoot. Secondly, there are many other ways to handle the situation then just killing them.
jerryj 27
First off, it would be "than". Secondly, #14 could have meant "shoot at them", as in, their general direction. You know, to scare them off. Not entirely humane but it's not killing them :)
coried91 28
I did type than. My phone changed it to then because I use then more. By the time I saw then it was to late to edit. If they meant to shoot in their general direction I'm pretty sure he would have said shoot in their general direction to scare them not "shot them".
Al_Romaih 2
too late*
Enslaved 38
And that one's a *(rac)coon! Who let all of this riff-raff into the room? There's one smoking a joint, And another with spots! If I had my way, I'd have all of you shot!
amDes 11
Maybe he meant shots as in alcoholic shots? And decided to say it in a gangsta rap type of way.... "shot them" like how I would say "beer me?".
That_Ginger 18
You guys are looking at this all wrong. He obviously meant "Shot them!" What a hero. OP owes this guy big time.
jessBeAqueen 13
paint a black mask over your eyes and try to blend in....or you can dress up like Pocahontas and name one meeko!
JMichael 26
Grab a broom and go all Kung Fu Fighting on their ass.
israelnotjacob 20
If this is true they're almost definitely carrying rabies, so call animal control right now.
perdix 31
Order a bunch of pizza and soda and let the raccoons feast on it. They'll get fat and lazy, develop diabetes and clogged arteries and die quickly. That strategy has worked on people, so it'll probably work on raccoons, too.
T0xiiK23 5
Or, you can just let the raccoons gang up on the guy who's delivering while you make a break for it! XD
coried91 28
That reminds me of an episode of "Call of the wild man". A possum made its way into a house and ate so much food that the poor thing was to tired to try and fight the person trying to remove him from the house. He didn't die thankfully.
pandalover69 26
Those are probably as domesticated as they come, they've probably been around humans for generations. That's what happens when people feed them but that's cute. I'm glad they're friendly there. It's the ones that you find at your home that you have to worry about.
scottyspot 11
Go through a window!
StompinOnCrayons 15
Raccoon-a-matata man, live with 'em
jazzy_123 20
did you just.... you did! Awesome x)
grunt_fml 17
So, Resident Evil was right. Raccoon City - no one gets out alive. I wonder if they plan to eat you alive as well...
cbcs222 13
This is what you need to do! Open your door and get in your hands and knees. You trick the raccoons like your one of theirs, your new so now you have to prove yourself. You do by taking out a rival raccoon gang. Once you prove yourself you become a full member, once you become a full member you start to conspire with the other raccoons. You then make a plan to overthrow the current raccoon leader. You do so. Once you become leader you take out all of the other raccoon gangs and enslave them as your raccoon army. Then you take your raccoon army to the kingdom of the o'possum. You then conquer them and quell anyone in your way. Thus, beginning you and your raccoon army quest to conquer the free world!