Health: Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 142

18/09/2010 06:31

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 373

You deserved it 2 918

Empathy lives

Phantom pooper

Thanks, government

24/07/2009 05:01

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 302

You deserved it 52 179

07/11/2010 22:07

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 450

You deserved it 23 424

31/08/2015 03:27

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 209

You deserved it 1 669

13/05/2014 02:46

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 291

You deserved it 5 120

10/09/2013 17:44

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 096

You deserved it 13 859

31/07/2017 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 454

You deserved it 870

04/10/2016 11:11

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 1 014

20/12/2016 19:19

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 457

You deserved it 1 307

03/06/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 263

You deserved it 425

03/04/2012 05:39

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 417

You deserved it 4 649

02/02/2012 10:28

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 356

You deserved it 2 509

That sucks

By Rich - 09/08/2021 23:01

Today, whilst having a bath, I sucked a cup and it stuck to my face, as I’m sure others have done, right? However, the genius I am sucked it too hard and for too long, and managed to give myself a love bite goatee. The next week at school is going to be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 193

You deserved it 872

29/09/2010 07:08

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 849

You deserved it 6 530

06/11/2014 01:12

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 311

You deserved it 2 910

19/02/2011 14:51

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 135

You deserved it 47 964

Can't see for shit

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 14:02

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 209

24/04/2016 08:45

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 158

You deserved it 3 740

11/01/2009 15:50

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 044

You deserved it 78 415

18/02/2012 23:32

Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 088

You deserved it 8 061

31/12/2014 19:39

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 444

You deserved it 3 541

30/07/2009 03:17

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 776

You deserved it 4 531

26/01/2009 19:08

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 843

You deserved it 9 323

Daddy's little girl

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 23:01

Today, I found out my boyfriend of almost 10 years was/is a Sugar Daddy to a girl I know, for the past 7 months or so. I found out through a mutual friend.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 79

Who'd want that?

By ... - 14/04/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 177

16/01/2009 12:19

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 697

You deserved it 2 008

29/05/2012 17:50

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 003

You deserved it 4 770

01/09/2009 16:48

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 192

You deserved it 4 558

28/01/2016 23:39

Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 786

You deserved it 1 471

29/10/2010 04:48

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 846

You deserved it 3 877

08/08/2009 02:27

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 459

You deserved it 6 469

12/01/2010 07:45

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 193

You deserved it 23 702

05/06/2010 23:49

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 750

You deserved it 3 892

Bye Herbie

By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 04:56

Today, after hours of waiting and $300 spent, I find out my transmission is dying. My car is old, so the price of rebuilding it is more than it's worth. That's money well spent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 81

21/12/2012 04:05

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 982

You deserved it 29 241

16/03/2017 20:00

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 912

You deserved it 760

19/01/2010 05:08

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 186

You deserved it 6 483

14/11/2016 07:20

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 176

You deserved it 1 034

16/11/2009 01:46

Today, while putting on makeup, I got a face full of bloody scratches instead of an even skin tone. Turns out my makeup sponge was full of bits of glass. My little brother forgot to tell me he shattered a mirror beside my makeup box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 872

You deserved it 3 530

25/12/2012 05:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 896

You deserved it 4 314

More cowbell

By Piitaaraq Vaisanen - 24/09/2021 05:00

Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 63

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

Chelsea_Grin_10 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:30

you shud of kept it as a pet n named it cuddles :D

Comments

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

hairt 4

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:45

HAHAHAHA that's cute!

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Saturday 18 September 2010 17:10

Did it hiss at you?

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Saturday 18 September 2010 17:24

23- No, racoons are not cute. Trust me.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

I had the same problem. You can solve it by shooting the raccoon, or putting poison in the trash.

Skroal_stomper 5

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Saturday 18 September 2010 17:57

Did he get you? I hope not. I would be worried about rabies.

2kool4skoolyo 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 18:31

I like how this stuff only happens to girls I bet OP is blond

KingDingALing 9

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Saturday 18 September 2010 18:46

Cock slap the racoon.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 19:59

Ahhhhhhhhhh it's everywhereeee it's in my raccoon wounds :)

iSitt 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 20:00

rabies ftw

hairt 4

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Saturday 18 September 2010 20:36

#38 really?? :( haha. they look so fluffy...

JayJayAttackAtta 5

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Saturday 18 September 2010 22:53

23, don't listen to him. raccoons are very cute. my biology teacher even has a pet one named fric-frac. no lie

zerobahamut03 2

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Saturday 18 September 2010 23:23

Omg the garbage bandit! Awww it must've been sooo freakin cute. did you hug it and take it as a pet? like the episode of king of the hill when bobby took one as a friend :)

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Sunday 19 September 2010 3:38

family guy reference ftw 61

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Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:23

why would you want to kill it?

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

fyl

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Saturday 18 September 2010 21:07

Meh did the lid disappear or something?

zyth 4

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Monday 20 September 2010 8:13

they get in everywhere

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 6:48

lol thats great

Rilakkuma_fml 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

Rawwrrr~!

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

I hope you got a punch in edgewise.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:14

ouch! :o

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:17

How is finding a raccoon an FML? Unless it attacked you and you got rabies or something its really not a big deal at all.

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

Raccoons are vicious. Of course it's an FML when you intrude on a pissed off creature with claws.

yourlifesfucked 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:32

nah raccoons are cute. and sometimes vicious. but mostly cute.

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Tuesday 21 September 2010 13:04

I have a pet raccoon & yes she is very cute & sweet & cuddly. Sleeps w/ me & everything However if she doesn't like u she will attack & bite the shit outta u. She doesn't care for my husband much. FHL huh.

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Thursday 23 June 2011 7:56

Are u really that stupid? If it was a rat it is still an FML.

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 3:23

You all are city slickers- wild raccoons when cornered: aka garbage!! can are extremely crazy and agreesive and they can grow to the size of 50lb dog!

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

You deserve it for doing manual labor. who does that anymore?

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

lol

TrillionHearts 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:22

run!!!

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Sunday 19 September 2010 7:41

too late…

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

haha sucks for you but is it her fault cause ur the one who got the ticket

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:28

Wrong fml compadres.

awesomenina_fml 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 16:37

wrong fml

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Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

# 12 FAIL!!!! Anyway FYL OP that must hurt, raccoons are viscious, dangerous creatures.

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Sunday 19 September 2010 0:27

FOOL !! You lose! You get nothing !!

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 11:19

..Fail, man.. just.. just fail.