Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Live dumping

Don't give up

By ChubbyPanda - 8/8/2016 22:49

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

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By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By juanjohnfml - 11/8/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 20:02 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML

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By melonhead77 - 29/3/2012 11:46 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

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By ferrarismyname - 9/4/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

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By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - 6/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:19 - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By religiunatic - 13/12/2013 17:09 - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

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By Bad at life - 18/10/2018 13:30

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

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By Jaxter - 18/3/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

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By OCDrunk - 23/11/2011 06:40 - Australia

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

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By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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By parentfail - 11/12/2010 14:44 - United Kingdom

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

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By laurlaur - 5/8/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

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By *sneeze* - 29/11/2018 12:00

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By Iswearihavegoodhygiene - 4/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

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By siighh - 6/7/2011 14:52 - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By horny bastard - 16/1/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

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By CurseYouSonyaLee - 12/11/2013 15:27 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

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By Mumbling Mutt101 - 15/8/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML

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By Hmmmm - 20/9/2012 14:58 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

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By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

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By knickedleg - 22/5/2010 07:03 - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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By WTTFFFF - 9/5/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 14:08 - United States

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

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By AussieG75 - 7/5/2013 14:18 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By gimmeasalad - 21/4/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

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By CatLitterLover - 8/2/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

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By webperson04 - 27/7/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By Scared - 8/4/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By SupposedlyAverage - 27/12/2014 14:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML

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By julia - 1/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By akieferr - 3/9/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

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By cjbutterfly96 - 17/12/2015 15:54 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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Top comments

By mjprox | 0

#1422976 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

By Chelsea_Grin_10 | 0

#1423064 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:30

you shud of kept it as a pet n named it cuddles :D

Comments

By mjprox | 0

#1422976 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

Reply

hairt | 4

#1423135 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:45

HAHAHAHA that's cute!

Reply

530boy | 0

#1423245 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:10

Did it hiss at you?

Reply

illmatic2 | 16

#1423310 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:24

23- No, racoons are not cute. Trust me.

Reply

iskusmarines | 0

#1423364 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

I had the same problem. You can solve it by shooting the raccoon, or putting poison in the trash.

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1423447 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:57

Did he get you? I hope not. I would be worried about rabies.

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1423512 - Saturday 18 September 2010 18:31

I like how this stuff only happens to girls I bet OP is blond

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1423551 - Saturday 18 September 2010 18:46

Cock slap the racoon.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#1423804 - Saturday 18 September 2010 19:59

Ahhhhhhhhhh it's everywhereeee it's in my raccoon wounds :)

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1423813 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:00

rabies ftw

Reply

hairt | 4

#1423914 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:36

#38 really?? :( haha. they look so fluffy...

Reply

JayJayAttackAtta | 5

#1424206 - Saturday 18 September 2010 22:53

23, don't listen to him. raccoons are very cute. my biology teacher even has a pet one named fric-frac. no lie

Reply

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1424251 - Saturday 18 September 2010 23:23

Omg the garbage bandit! Awww it must've been sooo freakin cute. did you hug it and take it as a pet? like the episode of king of the hill when bobby took one as a friend :)

Reply

falluke17 | 0

#1424641 - Sunday 19 September 2010 3:38

family guy reference ftw 61

Reply

InvenShun | 0

#1467094 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:23

why would you want to kill it?

By C19_fml | 9

#1422977 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

fyl

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1423986 - Saturday 18 September 2010 21:07

Meh did the lid disappear or something?

Reply

zyth | 4

#1429245 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:13

they get in everywhere

Reply

172pilot | 20

#1439915 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 6:48

lol thats great

By Rilakkuma_fml | 0

#1422980 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

Rawwrrr~!

By Ancarnia | 0

#1422983 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

I hope you got a punch in edgewise.

By pachecogirl | 0

#1422999 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:14

ouch! :o

By Obecny75 | 0

#1423009 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:17

How is finding a raccoon an FML? Unless it attacked you and you got rabies or something its really not a big deal at all.

Reply

kaijapapaya | 0

#1423034 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

Raccoons are vicious. Of course it's an FML when you intrude on a pissed off creature with claws.

Reply

yourlifesfucked | 0

#1423069 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:32

nah raccoons are cute. and sometimes vicious. but mostly cute.

Reply

GLOCKMAMA | 0

#1435185 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 13:04

I have a pet raccoon & yes she is very cute & sweet & cuddly. Sleeps w/ me & everything However if she doesn't like u she will attack & bite the shit outta u. She doesn't care for my husband much. FHL huh.

Reply

Gorillaninja | 0

#2741039 - Thursday 23 June 2011 7:56

Are u really that stupid? If it was a rat it is still an FML.

Reply

jew_lala | 11

#3791761 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 3:23

You all are city slickers- wild raccoons when cornered: aka garbage!! can are extremely crazy and agreesive and they can grow to the size of 50lb dog!

By ThePwnapple | 0

#1423011 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

You deserve it for doing manual labor. who does that anymore?

By picklezz123 | 5

#1423018 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

lol

By TrillionHearts | 0

#1423031 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:22

run!!!

Reply

beetman5 | 4

#1425630 - Sunday 19 September 2010 7:41

too late…

By TigerMania09 | 0

#1423036 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

haha sucks for you but is it her fault cause ur the one who got the ticket

Reply

Zakuraa | 0

#1423059 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:28

Wrong fml compadres.

Reply

awesomenina_fml | 0

#1423101 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:37

wrong fml

Reply

LuCanO | 0

#1423359 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

# 12 FAIL!!!! Anyway FYL OP that must hurt, raccoons are viscious, dangerous creatures.

Reply

momony_fml | 0

#1424326 - Sunday 19 September 2010 0:27

FOOL !! You lose! You get nothing !!

Reply

Lils123 | 0

#1440993 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 11:19

..Fail, man.. just.. just fail.