Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

Understanding

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By Anonymous

Air Conditioned Egg on Face?

Today, I went to see the mechanic who'd just serviced my car, because it was still leaking cooling fluid. I started to explain the problem, but he stopped me and asked if I'd had the AC on. I said yes. He smiled and said lots people have this "problem" in summer. Did you know the AC releases fluid when you turn it off? I didn't. FML

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By StayedHome89 - United States

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By Sarah - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

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By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By Bratty son - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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By howtobreakup - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

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By the dog won - 16/7/2020 14:01

In the cold

Today, after being tired of my husband acting like I’m invisible, giving more attention and affection to the dog than to me, and me going to spend a few nights at my sister’s house, he texted me, "You coming home to make dinner or what?" on the second day. It's now day 4 and he hasn’t said anything else since. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

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By hitandrun - United States

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

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By Likian5 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By shite - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

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By messy jessy - 7/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Who's there?

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

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By CANTTAKEMORE - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

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By Frenchgirl - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

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By RetailJocky

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By Dina - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

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By inpain - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By milly - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

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By Dying Whale

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

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By Mack - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

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By kanmcdan

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML

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By MeowApp - Australia - Melbourne

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

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By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By brotheritachi

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

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By fucking moron - United States - Mount Holly

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

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By bummer.. - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

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Top comments

By mjprox | 0

#1422976 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

By Chelsea_Grin_10 | 0

#1423064 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:30

you shud of kept it as a pet n named it cuddles :D

COMMENTS

By mjprox | 0

#1422976 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

ouch.

Reply

hairt | 4

#1423135 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:45

HAHAHAHA that's cute!

Reply

530boy | 0

#1423245 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:10

Did it hiss at you?

Reply

illmatic2 | 16

#1423310 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:24

23- No, racoons are not cute. Trust me.

Reply

iskusmarines | 0

#1423364 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

I had the same problem. You can solve it by shooting the raccoon, or putting poison in the trash.

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1423447 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:57

Did he get you? I hope not. I would be worried about rabies.

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1423512 - Saturday 18 September 2010 18:31

I like how this stuff only happens to girls I bet OP is blond

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1423551 - Saturday 18 September 2010 18:46

Cock slap the racoon.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#1423804 - Saturday 18 September 2010 19:59

Ahhhhhhhhhh it's everywhereeee it's in my raccoon wounds :)

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1423813 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:00

rabies ftw

Reply

hairt | 4

#1423914 - Saturday 18 September 2010 20:36

#38 really?? :( haha. they look so fluffy...

Reply

JayJayAttackAtta | 5

#1424206 - Saturday 18 September 2010 22:53

23, don't listen to him. raccoons are very cute. my biology teacher even has a pet one named fric-frac. no lie

Reply

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1424251 - Saturday 18 September 2010 23:23

Omg the garbage bandit! Awww it must've been sooo freakin cute. did you hug it and take it as a pet? like the episode of king of the hill when bobby took one as a friend :)

Reply

falluke17 | 0

#1424641 - Sunday 19 September 2010 3:38

family guy reference ftw 61

Reply

InvenShun | 0

#1467094 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:23

why would you want to kill it?

By C19_fml | 9

#1422977 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:09

fyl

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1423986 - Saturday 18 September 2010 21:07

Meh did the lid disappear or something?

Reply

zyth | 4

#1429245 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:13

they get in everywhere

Reply

172pilot | 20

#1439915 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 6:48

lol thats great

By Rilakkuma_fml | 0

#1422980 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

Rawwrrr~!

By Ancarnia | 0

#1422983 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:10

I hope you got a punch in edgewise.

By pachecogirl | 0

#1422999 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:14

ouch! :o

By Obecny75 | 0

#1423009 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:17

How is finding a raccoon an FML? Unless it attacked you and you got rabies or something its really not a big deal at all.

Reply

kaijapapaya | 0

#1423034 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

Raccoons are vicious. Of course it's an FML when you intrude on a pissed off creature with claws.

Reply

yourlifesfucked | 0

#1423069 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:32

nah raccoons are cute. and sometimes vicious. but mostly cute.

Reply

GLOCKMAMA | 0

#1435185 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 13:04

I have a pet raccoon & yes she is very cute & sweet & cuddly. Sleeps w/ me & everything However if she doesn't like u she will attack & bite the shit outta u. She doesn't care for my husband much. FHL huh.

Reply

Gorillaninja | 0

#2741039 - Thursday 23 June 2011 7:56

Are u really that stupid? If it was a rat it is still an FML.

Reply

jew_lala | 11

#3791761 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 3:23

You all are city slickers- wild raccoons when cornered: aka garbage!! can are extremely crazy and agreesive and they can grow to the size of 50lb dog!

By ThePwnapple | 0

#1423011 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

You deserve it for doing manual labor. who does that anymore?

By picklezz123 | 5

#1423018 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:18

lol

By TrillionHearts | 0

#1423031 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:22

run!!!

Reply

beetman5 | 4

#1425630 - Sunday 19 September 2010 7:41

too late…

By TigerMania09 | 0

#1423036 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:23

haha sucks for you but is it her fault cause ur the one who got the ticket

Reply

Zakuraa | 0

#1423059 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:28

Wrong fml compadres.

Reply

awesomenina_fml | 0

#1423101 - Saturday 18 September 2010 16:37

wrong fml

Reply

LuCanO | 0

#1423359 - Saturday 18 September 2010 17:37

# 12 FAIL!!!! Anyway FYL OP that must hurt, raccoons are viscious, dangerous creatures.

Reply

momony_fml | 0

#1424326 - Sunday 19 September 2010 0:27

FOOL !! You lose! You get nothing !!

Reply

Lils123 | 0

#1440993 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 11:19

..Fail, man.. just.. just fail.