Kids: Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 84

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 1 177

11/07/2013 23:13

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 504

You deserved it 18 702

Mama's boy

Stop talking!

Commando

11/02/2014 20:00

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 396

You deserved it 25 948

17/01/2011 06:24

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 801

You deserved it 7 670

08/02/2010 06:58

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 679

You deserved it 8 951

19/06/2012 04:28

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 715

You deserved it 6 904

Hello?

By SierraTheArchdevil - 23/05/2021 00:01

Today, I woke up completely deaf, for no reason. My doctor told me my hearing loss, "could possibly be permanent." I’m a composer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 62

19/01/2014 23:38

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 782

You deserved it 8 098

03/04/2011 09:35

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 535

You deserved it 28 366

22/10/2018 22:00

Today, my teenage son informed me that when he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom, he uses the kitchen sink as a toilet. I use that sink every day to wash vegetables for my family's dinner. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 047

You deserved it 313

14/02/2010 18:52

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 533

You deserved it 3 614

29/06/2015 02:02

Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 113

You deserved it 31 628

09/09/2011 23:22

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 802

You deserved it 54 684

06/07/2009 18:41

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 723

You deserved it 4 421

08/05/2015 12:46

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 512

You deserved it 2 130

25/11/2008 18:05

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 922

You deserved it 2 875

04/07/2009 06:07

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 501

You deserved it 10 648

21/02/2010 08:32

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 464

You deserved it 3 118

Stay classy

By chattyloz - 07/02/2013 12:31

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 814

You deserved it 39 749

15/05/2012 10:49

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 229

You deserved it 2 024

16/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 512

You deserved it 212

30/05/2015 20:05

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 494

You deserved it 4 470

20/10/2016 13:17

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 274

You deserved it 1 117

02/11/2014 04:51

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 7 599

30/01/2011 14:46

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 3 100

19/06/2012 20:59

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 637

You deserved it 3 227

I don't wanna

By Anonymous - 11/10/2020 15:02

Spicy

Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 061

You deserved it 317

13/04/2011 16:36

Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 712

You deserved it 5 746

07/03/2009 10:13

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 169

You deserved it 12 015

15/10/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 366

You deserved it 419

Not now

By Anonymous - 25/09/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 181

16/02/2011 12:54

Spicy

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 514

You deserved it 4 961

Long story short

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 20:08

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 415

21/12/2011 03:18

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 523

You deserved it 2 985

17/04/2019 14:00

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 157

08/09/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 391

You deserved it 248

02/05/2016 16:50

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 419

You deserved it 4 734

Rise and shine

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 08:00

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 255

12/11/2009 07:17

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 914

You deserved it 4 516

25/08/2013 23:30

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 340

You deserved it 4 937

13/02/2012 16:27

Today, I sent out a text saying "Smile! You're beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." to most of my contacts. I got one reply, from my best friend, saying, "Are you fucking stupid?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 765

You deserved it 37 807

15/04/2011 09:30

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 313

You deserved it 13 820

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:35

Samsung Galaxy S4 commercial?

Feedmyaddiction5 14

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:37

3 year old+alone with expensive technology= something bad will happen

Comments

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:34

Your phone is swimming with the fishes, now. Sorry, OP.

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:56

OP, your phone got fished!

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Friday 12 July 2013 11:55

This comment makes me miss Tony Soprano :-(

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:51

Fish*

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:35

Samsung Galaxy S4 commercial?

illegalbeagle69 23

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Friday 12 July 2013 9:08

just saw that one

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Saturday 13 July 2013 4:29

Darn, you beat me to it. :p

awkwardloveannie 28

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Saturday 13 July 2013 6:55

Galaxy S4 Active :P

Feedmyaddiction5 14

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:37

3 year old+alone with expensive technology= something bad will happen

persianninja 23

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Friday 12 July 2013 10:38

Yep my cousin through my iPad out a 2 story window but thankfully the case I got for it protected it sorry OP but a lifeproof case might not have been a bad idea hopefully you can get it replaced

barricadebabe 15

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Friday 12 July 2013 13:06

The punctuation is weak with this one.

PrimeEvilTahir 23

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Saturday 13 July 2013 7:30

So is the grammar.

football98_fml 20

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:38

im not really sure, but that seems kinda fishy to me...

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:38

Why would you give a 3 year old such an expensive item to use unsupervised..

tragicnightmare 15

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Friday 12 July 2013 10:26

Hey, it couldve been worse. Some kids probably end up using their parents phone and accidentally come across something sexually inappropriate

AshleyScruggs 14

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Friday 12 July 2013 11:19

6- I was wondering the same thing. I don't even trust other adults with my phone because of how expensive it is, so you can sure as hell bet that I wouldn't leave it with a three year old.

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Thursday 1 August 2013 8:42

Exactly my thoughts - why people insert on letting kids play with phones and tablets without being directly supervised. Lol, one slip of my daughters hand on my wifes phone whilst using a drawing app and she is into app store and making phone calls (which we catch before it proceeds!)

Cazz91 21

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:39

Fish are our friends, not food.

Thundering_Jibbs 13

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

I guess we could say your phone is... Lowers Sunglasses... Swimming with the Fishes. Sorry Perdix, I just had to.

graceinsheepwear 33

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Friday 12 July 2013 19:18

Re-puking #2's comment in perdix's signature style? You had to? What you had to do if you want my up vote is come up with something original. Try again, with feeling this time.

Thundering_Jibbs 13

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Friday 12 July 2013 19:52

I didn't see #2 when I made the comment... I'm still learning pal, this is the most ruthless comment section on the internet I tell ya.

graceinsheepwear 33

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Friday 12 July 2013 19:55

If you have been around long enough to jack perdix, then you know what's up here in the badlands.

Thundering_Jibbs 13

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Friday 12 July 2013 21:48

What are you, some sort of an ass?

Link5794 18

Sunday 14 July 2013 5:43

I've heard 4chan has even worse comment sections. Never really looked around much, so I can't say for sure.

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

Well I hope you got insurance on that thing or your sunk.

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:48

yoi're*

angiemarie96 25

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:49

You're*

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Friday 12 July 2013 23:46

Too many fails... I can't stop laughing.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 2:40

Y'reuo

Link5794 18

Sunday 14 July 2013 5:45

*Na'vi

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

tell your phone to just keep swimming. and everything will be fine.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Friday 12 July 2013 8:41

Nemo phone home.

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Friday 12 July 2013 11:16

Wrong movie love

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Friday 12 July 2013 16:18

he's mixing the 2 of them together because of the situation. I think it's a cute comment :)