Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML
Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML
Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table, I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter." FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I got back from an 8 month deployment but rather than being pleased to see me my wife wanted to continue the same argument we were having the day I left. I miss being shot at. FML
Today, I'm a trained soldier with tours of duty under my belt, 6 foot tall with scars and tattoos, and yet I still can’t beat my brother in a fight because he cheats by tickling me until I can’t breathe or piss myself. FML
Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML
Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML
Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML
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Top comments
Isa_Marie0113 17
Thank you for your service! Sorry your brother is an insensitive and ignorant butt.
BoboCracker 21
Towel-whip him
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Comments (131)
kimjongin 5
murderer!
anyoldnamewilldo 23
Thank you for your service! In case others are unaware..(I was until I started dating my BF) you should never ask how many kills a veteran has had. It is considered very rude and insensitive to do so. Although it would never have occurred to me to ask that in the first place, I did not know that it was something one should never do until he told me. I won't even touch the racism part of his question.
DataWog 30
Get a puppet of the Team America character in that godawful 'disguise', hang it by the neck, and say 'Just this one racist motherf*****'.
Robby2448 20
Climb to Glory!
urbanbigfoot 20
So I am guessing 0?
assassinmaster 22
Sorry to hear that your brother caught the Trump virus.
Germanicusii 2
May I say on behalf of all of us, thank you for your service to this country
HollyQuinn 21
Always love seeing people from the army being objective and awesome, my cousin's husband was in the army and is SUPER racist now.
claudiajean 24
Oops upside your head
zr11990 8
Well how many did you kill