Miscellaneous: Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to...

By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - 01/07/2011 19:23 - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 700

You deserved it 3 198

Miscellaneous

Leave us alone

Unreasonable

How smelly is your piss?

By anonymous - 15/06/2016 06:18 - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 177

You deserved it 1 011

By Not Again! - 14/06/2019 04:16

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 329

By oops - 22/08/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 509

You deserved it 50 584

Pants on fire

By IDontWantToBeHere - 09/06/2021 22:01

Today, my ex told me he wants honesty in a relationship. I agree. It's a shame he felt it was OK to tell lies from the very beginning of the relationship that lasted about 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 81

By Recovering Alcoholic - 17/12/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, half of my motivation to stop drinking is so that my tolerance will go down, because I currently can't actually afford enough alcohol to get even tipsy anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 432

You deserved it 12 737

By sissica - 11/02/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 103

You deserved it 6 582

By Dildno - 10/12/2016 08:48 - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 213

You deserved it 3 623

By newly passed, newly grassed - 06/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 076

You deserved it 8 367

By bongoboy - 25/04/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 277

You deserved it 6 212

By Anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 321

You deserved it 2 341

By stupidboss - 31/03/2016 03:23 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 469

You deserved it 1 147

By scared - 17/03/2015 21:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 605

You deserved it 4 308

By peestain - 25/10/2010 10:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 639

You deserved it 32 054

By nomail - 26/05/2016 19:55 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 634

You deserved it 849

By makeyourselfathome - 17/09/2014 12:18 - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 457

You deserved it 3 010

By kristine29 - 03/02/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview I scheduled 3 weeks ago. I spent $200 on a new suit to really impress them and practised like crazy every imaginable question they could ask. They already had filled the position 2 weeks ago and forgot to inform me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 333

You deserved it 2 794

Helpful

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 18:01

Today, I had a conversation with my doctor about how I am neurologically incapable of feeling happiness like a normal person, and he doesn't know what to do about it. His words, not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 02:32 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 048

You deserved it 19 999

Real dream

By kaley - 14/12/2019 03:00

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 336

By veggieluver - 16/01/2013 00:58 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 895

You deserved it 3 234

By TSampson - 11/06/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 001

You deserved it 11 274

By FreakedOut - 31/07/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, my dad told me he was planning to have his steady girlfriend over for dinner. He's only had a few relationships since he and my mom split up when I was very young, so I was excited to meet the woman. He then told me that I knew her already. My dad is dating my aunt on my mothers side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 008

You deserved it 2 806

By nerd - 19/11/2016 19:52

Today, I understand the finer points of the government in Star Wars better than I understand the U.S. government. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 965

You deserved it 2 582

By Anonymous - 21/01/2014 21:30 - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 226

You deserved it 4 166

By eyelashess - 29/06/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 158

You deserved it 4 375

By sicksicksick - 19/06/2013 17:23 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 551

You deserved it 3 667

One joke too far

By Anonymous - 17/12/2021 14:01

Today, after spending 5 years working towards my dream job, getting it, and while in training telling a risqué joke, I got suspended the next day, lost the job, and I'm now in a shitty admin job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 1 664

By Anonymous - 02/02/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 408

You deserved it 362

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 04:43 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 123

You deserved it 9 033

Frugality

By Gingertabs - 23/08/2021 22:00

Today, I found out I am only entitled to £63 government assistance a month. I haven't worked or even left house for a year and a half, as my agoraphobia/anxiety has spiraled out of control. I don't know how I'm going to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 283

By livingamongtheflowers - 15/05/2014 05:40 - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 910

You deserved it 5 454

Honor amongst maids

By Anonymous - 11/03/2020 09:00

Today, a good friend from childhood, who was my maid of honor four years ago, got married. Without me knowing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 187

By notmyday - 25/02/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 926

You deserved it 8 929

By LogicalMolly - 13/12/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 004

You deserved it 49 217

By tryscal - 12/07/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 253

You deserved it 56 760

By bob - 03/07/2012 17:33 - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 909

You deserved it 9 345

And next on The Voice…

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 22:00

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 233

Nice guy self-reporting

By Gamaliel - 27/06/2021 22:01

Today, I saw the girl I've had a crush on since forever go on another Facebook rant talking about, “All men are the same!” She does this every time she gets her heart broken by some jerk. I’ve been trying to get with her for about 6 years, and she’s yet to give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 1 619

By London - 18/09/2009 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 087

You deserved it 3 374

By Forgetful godmother - 14/03/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 250

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Top comments

alissa222 15

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:22

invite her to join you.

jamila123 5

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:21

at least you have a job.

heydude111 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:20

haha

Sharnaaaaa 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:21

lmao. what a job. hopefully shell believe you sooner or later

jackiemoonthepro 5

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:29

op could take a picture and show her friend

genesisnirvana 11

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:46

i would really like to know what OP's job is.

jellitonoctopus 19

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:54

A dog groomer. they squeeze the anus so the poo poo shoots outs, it's easier to bathe a dog when they don't have to use the restroom.

yummycupkake 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:55

I always considered being a vetenerian ..but heyy, pshh I could always be a lawyer :]

ritbbehindu 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:59

she'll*

KingGeorgeGal 12

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Saturday 2 July 2011 2:22

Sorry OP but atleast you have a job!

flagg1888 3

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Saturday 2 July 2011 2:44

cleaning anal glands?? sounds like a win for you!!! lol

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:00

2- may I say, you have a huge tongue xD

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:13

Oh I am very sorry about your condition #2. hopefully you get better!

dolphincheddar 10

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:23

you can't recover from it you silly donkey penis. but ya. I used to clean womens anal glands with my special cleaning tool, I got paid quite a bit, but then I got arrested for prostitution.. silly cops and there misunderstanding of jobs. I'm an anus cleaner not a whore.. jeez. anyways, did you know guantanimo bay has amazing wifi? it's sweet

sxe_beast 11

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:25

@24 - Totally and then she can MMS the picture to her.

FarSide 22

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Saturday 2 July 2011 4:29

Your job pays shit.

FUGYU 2

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Saturday 2 July 2011 4:55

Dog anal Fetish! 0.o

Newboyz00185 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 5:10

And yet I can't seem to shake the thought that OP actually applied for such a job.

Newboyz00185 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 5:13

Shouldn't that be written somewhere in the job description??? " This job will include: brushing, bathing, and anal probing of various canines."

dizzaymizlizzay 11

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Saturday 2 July 2011 7:42

#46 is completely wrong about anal glands. dog groomers are not probing their asses to make them poo. There are glands right inside the anus that release a fluid that helps fecal matter come out thru the anus. Think of it as lube. Frequently the fluid builds up inside the gland and isn't released so it becomes impacted and needs to be drained by squeezing them. It smells REALLY horrible. I wouldn't suggest trying it out on your own with your dog!!

jamila123 5

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:21

at least you have a job.

tyty22796 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:28

for real!

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:29

You're a very 'glass half full' kinda person huh?

volley4eva1698 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:34

she's jealous inside..but yeah show her a picture lmao

volley4eva1698 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:34

she's jealous inside..but yeah show her a picture lmao

M0rt 0

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Saturday 2 July 2011 17:01

considering OP is from America they should just be happy they have a job with the economy bring in the toilet

biggmike 6

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:21

that sounds like a sticky situation.

F0xyTurtle 8

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:23

...Thank you for ruining my appetite... ugh that's disgusting lol

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 2 July 2011 1:44

can't help but wonder why did you go on FML when you have an appetite?

genesisnirvana 11

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Saturday 2 July 2011 2:03

at least he didnt say"that sounds like a shitty situation"

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:01

Or worse... "Looks like *takes of glasses* we have a shitty situation! YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

dolphincheddar 10

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Saturday 2 July 2011 3:27

that gets old soo fast. silly unoriginal trolls. although if it was sticky, the dog must be eating something very weird

F0xyTurtle 8

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Saturday 2 July 2011 4:52

#40, why not get on FML when you have an appetite? And I was about to eat dinner lol :P

alexg823 0

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Sunday 3 July 2011 9:04

What a crappy joke

Comoke1024 19

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 17:54

Solution: Stick your arm in as far as it will go. Big smile. Take a selfie. Optional title to the pic: Something about being wrist deep in crap at work.