Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during...

By Explicit - 13/1/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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Intimacy

Honesty is the best policy

Does it taste good?

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By dan - 9/5/2012 20:10 - United States - Laurel

Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

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By TheMysteriousTsundere - 3/11/2018 15:30

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

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By SebastianCT - 19/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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By CharlieKearney - 10/1/2016 23:33 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2016 05:55

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

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By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By malicious_melons - 7/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mother had a full-on hissy fit because of the clothes I was wearing. Not because she thought they were inappropriate, but because I was "stealing her look." FML

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By pauper - 9/2/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

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By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 13:32 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 05:51

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

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By caaarl - 19/4/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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By Wealthyparrot - 10/5/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By franky - 25/3/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By lily - 18/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2017 20:00

Today, my dad described our security cameras recording a stranger stealing money from his car, and then called me unhealthy and paranoid for locking my car all the time. My car is usually parked right next to his. FML

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By justwantingtohelp - 16/8/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

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By Sexting - 21/8/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 06:00

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2010 18:17 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

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By kpjc - 21/10/2016 00:29 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say it when I caught him sleeping with my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2013 20:37 - United States - North Bend

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

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By LGFLIPSTER - 31/8/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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By - 19/3/2019 06:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 00:00

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

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By rbeast - 21/7/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

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By trbaby - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

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By pantless - 21/3/2016 18:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Hahapasdroleleptit - 10/5/2011 14:56 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

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By vmml97 - 17/8/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

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By hungryman - 14/7/2009 21:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By Qwerty - 28/6/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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By HALIFAAA - 28/12/2015 13:56 - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

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By failout - 5/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

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By o___O" - 10/5/2013 20:11 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By cinemasaddo - 25/9/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By jsmills92 - 21/12/2012 00:26 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

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Top comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

this kinda thing happens to everyone. Our class did a mock trial once, and the "judge" said "I now call upon the prostitution witness" instead of "I now call upon the prosecution witness". this was quite a long time ago, maybe grade 6.
also, my friend and I had to explain what prostitution was to another one of my friends :S.

Comments

By greenman_fml | 0

#101 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 12:45

does it hurt?

qwerty8788 | 4

#1656214 - Saturday 6 November 2010 5:13

I take trees up there dude. I don't need lube. lune is for pu55ys.
lol pun there

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

imOaks | 3

#2772519 - Monday 27 June 2011 19:55

lol

DollyDope | 17

#4984654 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:39

Butt sex... Fuck that shit!

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

Metzler31 | 17

#1181340 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 14:22

in science class, 'organism' usually comes out as 'orgasm'.

Alye22 | 0

#1255710 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 6:31

at times, on purpose

KatieNicole2014 | 0

#2583397 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:54

lol tht happens to me all the time!!

looptyloop98 | 5

#3580437 - Sunday 13 November 2011 16:27

My friend once said orgasm instead of organism. Good Times.

By mrtrixxxter | 0

#50891 - Sunday 22 March 2009 22:32

i'm going to guess that you are from Germany or Austria because in German six is sechts (sounds like sex).

IKickKittens | 0

#966004 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:11

or he could be swedish where six in swedish is sex

Zestus | 19

#5478650 - Sunday 5 May 2013 0:39

He's probably kiwi because it sounds like wan two three foa foive sex sivven eight noin tin.
I kid you not.

By piderman13 | 0

#58278 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 22:18

#5 god your stupid thats not the same at all! hahaha on another note thats so funny!!! i love when words are mispronounced!!! hahaha makes my day that much funnier (;

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#65801 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:57

What are the mechanics of butt sex?

Lol jk.
Not your fault.
You can't help accidents.

leaderJR | 0

#1791027 - Saturday 4 December 2010 7:15

death note!!!

whyme_everytime | 0

#2660027 - Saturday 11 June 2011 12:33

awesome deathnote pic =]

By gs_fml | 0

#110618 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 19:01

heyy thats like i was in ss once and i was reading aloud about medieval times. the paper said "edward's cousin," which i said, but people thought i said "edward cullen"
big mistake on my part for the twilight fans were all over me.