Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during...

By Explicit - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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Intimacy

Time don't heal nothing

Relationships sink

Persona non grata

By ouch - United States

Today, a guy who I've been on five dates with called me for the first time in 2 weeks. The first thing I said was, "Don't expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me." Then he told me his mom died. FML

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By allycat - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

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By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By pussyface96 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By RahiYeah09 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

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By blahmylife - United States

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

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By of course

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By Moron with reflexes

Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

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By drewcaver - United States - Houston

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelby

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

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By sasha625

Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML

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By chao - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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By ninjapup - Canada

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

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By TheHezzer - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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By mrsekko - United States

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

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By helplesslover - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML

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By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By danman - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By anonomous - United States

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By asthmasucks - United States

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

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By Gottalovepeople

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By wiifantcso - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

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By GlassPwn - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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By nazooer - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

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By gspotter - Canada - Verdun

Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML

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By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By Fangirl#1

Today, students were permitted to wear costumes at my school, but only about half of us did. In 4th period a guy asked me, "What are you supposed to be?" I wasn’t wearing a costume. FML

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By komp6390 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By streaker? - Germany - Langenhagen

Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

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Top comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

this kinda thing happens to everyone. Our class did a mock trial once, and the "judge" said "I now call upon the prostitution witness" instead of "I now call upon the prosecution witness". this was quite a long time ago, maybe grade 6.
also, my friend and I had to explain what prostitution was to another one of my friends :S.

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#101 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 12:45

does it hurt?

qwerty8788 | 4

#1656214 - Saturday 6 November 2010 5:13

I take trees up there dude. I don't need lube. lune is for pu55ys.
lol pun there

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

imOaks | 3

#2772519 - Monday 27 June 2011 19:55

lol

DollyDope | 17

#4984654 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:39

Butt sex... Fuck that shit!

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

Metzler31 | 17

#1181340 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 14:22

in science class, 'organism' usually comes out as 'orgasm'.

Alye22 | 0

#1255710 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 6:31

at times, on purpose

KatieNicole2014 | 0

#2583397 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:54

lol tht happens to me all the time!!

looptyloop98 | 5

#3580437 - Sunday 13 November 2011 16:27

My friend once said orgasm instead of organism. Good Times.

By mrtrixxxter | 0

#50891 - Sunday 22 March 2009 22:32

i'm going to guess that you are from Germany or Austria because in German six is sechts (sounds like sex).

IKickKittens | 0

#966004 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:11

or he could be swedish where six in swedish is sex

Zestus | 19

#5478650 - Sunday 5 May 2013 0:39

He's probably kiwi because it sounds like wan two three foa foive sex sivven eight noin tin.
I kid you not.

By piderman13 | 0

#58278 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 22:18

#5 god your stupid thats not the same at all! hahaha on another note thats so funny!!! i love when words are mispronounced!!! hahaha makes my day that much funnier (;

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#65801 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:57

What are the mechanics of butt sex?

Lol jk.
Not your fault.
You can't help accidents.

leaderJR | 0

#1791027 - Saturday 4 December 2010 7:15

death note!!!

whyme_everytime | 0

#2660027 - Saturday 11 June 2011 12:33

awesome deathnote pic =]

By gs_fml | 0

#110618 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 19:01

heyy thats like i was in ss once and i was reading aloud about medieval times. the paper said "edward's cousin," which i said, but people thought i said "edward cullen"
big mistake on my part for the twilight fans were all over me.