Intimacy: Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during...

By Explicit - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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Intimacy

Triage

Walk on the wild side

You BARBARIAN!

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By dead man walking? - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By jamalinho - Bangladesh

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

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By begging for air - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By Proprepourtant - France

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

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By _The__Doctor_ - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 08:00

Lemon or haunted?

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

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By hitnmiss66 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML

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By Ames - United States

Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML

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By ... - 14/4/2021 17:00

Who'd want that?

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By nobieb - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By TeeJay - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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By flaps - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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By Anonymous

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By that1summergirl - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

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By scewable - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Nick - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By Carrie - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

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By SnurklesMcGee - Canada

Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML

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By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By DepressedKid - Canada

Oh, hi Mark!

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By turnoff - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

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By zachhewett - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

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By father of the year - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

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By thenewgirlfriend - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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Top comments

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

this kinda thing happens to everyone. Our class did a mock trial once, and the "judge" said "I now call upon the prostitution witness" instead of "I now call upon the prosecution witness". this was quite a long time ago, maybe grade 6.
also, my friend and I had to explain what prostitution was to another one of my friends :S.

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#101 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 12:45

does it hurt?

qwerty8788 | 4

#1656214 - Saturday 6 November 2010 5:13

I take trees up there dude. I don't need lube. lune is for pu55ys.
lol pun there

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#220 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:04

use lots of lube

imOaks | 3

#2772519 - Monday 27 June 2011 19:55

lol

DollyDope | 17

#4984654 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:39

Butt sex... Fuck that shit!

By cra_z_turtle | 0

#33804 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:52

Metzler31 | 17

#1181340 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 14:22

in science class, 'organism' usually comes out as 'orgasm'.

Alye22 | 0

#1255710 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 6:31

at times, on purpose

KatieNicole2014 | 0

#2583397 - Sunday 29 May 2011 15:54

lol tht happens to me all the time!!

looptyloop98 | 5

#3580437 - Sunday 13 November 2011 16:27

My friend once said orgasm instead of organism. Good Times.

By mrtrixxxter | 0

#50891 - Sunday 22 March 2009 22:32

i'm going to guess that you are from Germany or Austria because in German six is sechts (sounds like sex).

IKickKittens | 0

#966004 - Monday 22 March 2010 0:11

or he could be swedish where six in swedish is sex

Zestus | 19

#5478650 - Sunday 5 May 2013 0:39

He's probably kiwi because it sounds like wan two three foa foive sex sivven eight noin tin.
I kid you not.

By piderman13 | 0

#58278 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 22:18

#5 god your stupid thats not the same at all! hahaha on another note thats so funny!!! i love when words are mispronounced!!! hahaha makes my day that much funnier (;

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#65801 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:57

What are the mechanics of butt sex?

Lol jk.
Not your fault.
You can't help accidents.

leaderJR | 0

#1791027 - Saturday 4 December 2010 7:15

death note!!!

whyme_everytime | 0

#2660027 - Saturday 11 June 2011 12:33

awesome deathnote pic =]

By gs_fml | 0

#110618 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 19:01

heyy thats like i was in ss once and i was reading aloud about medieval times. the paper said "edward's cousin," which i said, but people thought i said "edward cullen"
big mistake on my part for the twilight fans were all over me.