Miscellaneous: Today, as I was going to bed, I decided to read a book. Just... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

29/04/2017 21:00

Today, as I was going to bed, I decided to read a book. Just as I touched the book, the bedroom light burned out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 579

You deserved it 428

Leave us alone

Vulture

It is what it is

22/01/2016 12:50

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 745

You deserved it 3 379

14/11/2016 19:40

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 059

You deserved it 815

09/10/2009 12:29

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 095

You deserved it 7 329

Cockstepblocked

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 997

You deserved it 431

08/08/2016 22:49

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 788

You deserved it 3 599

So, it is not immoral ?

By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 01:00

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 156

03/07/2015 19:02

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 965

You deserved it 2 650

31/05/2012 12:43

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 854

You deserved it 2 634

19/03/2011 02:29

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 452

You deserved it 67 453

27/07/2010 07:46

Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 178

You deserved it 5 133

29/08/2011 08:33

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 041

You deserved it 3 842

13/05/2010 21:00

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 922

You deserved it 13 726

14/08/2014 04:38

Today, I took part in a raffle that was being organised in the small countryside village where I'm vacationing. I live in big city. I won a duck. A real, live duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 755

You deserved it 9 499

14/06/2012 22:51

Spicy

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 548

You deserved it 3 853

20/09/2016 07:07

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 740

You deserved it 1 383

14/11/2015 22:08

Spicy

Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 378

You deserved it 28 504

08/04/2014 02:13

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 009

You deserved it 3 539

06/01/2014 02:04

Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 841

You deserved it 6 870

09/02/2011 20:56

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 549

You deserved it 68 691

07/02/2016 19:03

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 861

You deserved it 1 855

18/02/2012 20:26

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 759

You deserved it 4 805

15/11/2013 07:05

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 044

You deserved it 7 011

Final words

By Cilla - 01/04/2021 04:01

Today, in his will, my dad laid the blame squarely at my feet for his depression, alcoholism, liver failure, suicide attempt and eventual death, not because of anything I did, just for being born in the first place. He never wanted a kid, resented becoming a dad and drank to make the depression bearable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 790

You deserved it 79

Stealth attack

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 142

23/02/2009 22:00

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 833

You deserved it 2 444

28/09/2016 10:24

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 983

You deserved it 921

04/08/2013 07:11

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 250

You deserved it 6 835

The truth will set you free

By Imnotfromhere - 29/08/2021 23:01

Today, I told my mom I was with my female friend last night, because I wasn't ready to tell her about my new boyfriend. I didn't realize he gave me a hickey and now my whole family thinks I'm a lesbian. They won't stop making fun of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 872

09/11/2016 17:50

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 335

You deserved it 6 187

22/03/2014 22:01

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 476

You deserved it 6 125

21/06/2016 19:06

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 048

You deserved it 2 989

06/05/2009 00:27

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 560

You deserved it 51 044

13/03/2012 16:08

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 869

You deserved it 2 037

24/09/2009 02:47

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 146

You deserved it 3 251

30/08/2016 13:55

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 701

You deserved it 1 629

Common passion

By ShowerheadGirl - 09/11/2009 07:06

Spicy

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 107

You deserved it 25 033

It was the painkillers, I swear

By laurenh211 - 17/11/2020 17:02

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having painful surgery, so I decided to make him a nice big breakfast. As I was taking it up to him, I heard a message on the phone. It was from one of his nurses. She was accepting his offer of a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 171

You deserved it 59

29/08/2009 03:39

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 285

You deserved it 8 225

03/06/2016 23:23

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 208

You deserved it 1 737

05/03/2011 19:57

Spicy

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 978

You deserved it 6 048

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Top comments

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 29 April 2017 23:19

Well played light bulb, well played indeed.

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Sunday 30 April 2017 0:12

How is this an FML...

Comments

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Saturday 29 April 2017 21:06

No...there was time now...

species4872 19

Saturday 29 April 2017 21:42

Was the book "Afraid of the dark"?

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 29 April 2017 23:19

Well played light bulb, well played indeed.

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Sunday 30 April 2017 0:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

interesting33 36

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Sunday 30 April 2017 10:11

literally what I wanted to comment!

Dustin Allen-Duwayne Lakey 16

Sunday 30 April 2017 0:19

You shall not read!

pjsr 32

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Sunday 30 April 2017 1:23

Seems like a very minor inconvenience. Don't you know how to change a lightbulb?

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Sunday 30 April 2017 1:25

Just change the light bulb simple as that

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 30 April 2017 1:30

I blame Amazon! "They" want you to get a Kindle -- much more profitable than paper books. It's ironic (or fitting) that Amazon is screwing with people in Brazil.

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Sunday 30 April 2017 12:45

The only Kindle's I've seen don't have LED lights They're just like reading on paper

Ughwhateverhomie 2

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Sunday 30 April 2017 3:59

Who cares.

sexualchoclate 3

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Sunday 30 April 2017 4:22

This is why i don't read books are the devil