Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Cloth ears

No smoking

By Tony

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By cammy123 - United States

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

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By Mishti

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

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By NowABlonde - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By Sundendako - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By TooFlamingHot - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

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By ladeda - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

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By zl5 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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By rufusthepenis - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

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By anon. - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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By solomantis - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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By ChrisD2V - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I flew my girlfriend to Paris for our one year anniversary. Little did I know that instead of going up the Eiffel Tower and over looking the most romantic city she would rather spend it in bed with a French man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

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By bookworm - United States - Victoria

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 02:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Nokia 3310 FTW

Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By hopelesss88 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

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By wtf dad - United States

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

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By AlexaSt2611 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

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By ugly me - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

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By dane - United States

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

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By

I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

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By Anonymous

Where is it?

Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

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By charliemann_ - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By crap - 17/7/2020 05:00

Compassionate

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because apparently, I'm a drug addict who can't speak without slurring and stumbling with my words. I have a recurring speech impediments and the stammer is definitely real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

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By Anonymous

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5678140 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 21:20

Bullshit, 34. I had friend who used to put maple syrup on everything. Slowly but surely he started transforming into a maple tree. First it was his arms that turned to tree limbs, that's when I tried getting him to stop, but he wouldn't. Then went his legs, and after a few months we had to plant him in his parents back yard. Yes, I do have a diabetic maple tree as a friend now.. Moral for the story is, don't eat too much maple syrup or you'll turn into a tree boys and girls.

COMMENTS

By Zarcissa | 34

#5677945 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:45

How could your grandfather forget such a thing? Must've been a little awkward for him.

Reply

Lifeisgood3 | 6

#5678066 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:59

Maybe he's old? Or has Alzheimer's..

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5678067 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:00

Whoops

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5856335 - Thursday 13 February 2014 0:13

My best friend used to hate Canadians till she found out she's 50% Canadian.

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5677973 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:54

I agree. I think it was a confession.

Reply

TheGreatPotato | 19

#5678173 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:15

Why is it the first thing I thought was "EEEVIIIIIIL"

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036526 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 18:58

#46 I thought the exact same thing!!

By Bano360 | 25

#5677952 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Did he say sorry?

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681811 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:29

And why on earth would he...?

By Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677953 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Just give him bacon.He won't care anymore if they're evil or not.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677964 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:50

#6 if you give him canadian bacon, your logic will be destroyed...

Reply

Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677987 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:04

It's bacon.Logic is not needed.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677991 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:06

Have you never tasted canadian bacon?

Reply

DrownedMyFish | 18

#5678000 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

16, anything with "bacon" in the name is guaranteed to be delicious.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5678117 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:52

So no, you have not tried canadian "bacon".. Canadian bacon is basically burnt ham.

Reply

rememberkids | 14

#5678179 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:24

Mmmmmmm....back bacon.

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#5678843 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 7:08

Hey the only people who even eat Canadian Bacon are the people ordering Egg McMuffins, that's a fact, Jack!

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681817 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:30

Woah woah woah #35. I hate to burst your bubble, but if you think "burnt bacon" is "Canadian bacon", then you have not yet eaten Canadian bacon. It's the back bacon, cut thicker and usually is in a patty shape rather than strips. It could also be referring to peameal bacon. Sorry dude, you've been living a lie. And Canadian bacon is wonderful, just sayin'.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036527 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 19:00

Preach!

By perdix | 29

#5677966 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:51

Hockey season is about to begin. He'll be ok when the games count for real. It's just an annual collective Canadian withdrawal symptom.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5678369 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:16

Oh thank God. I cannot wait. Off season sucks!

Reply

kemic | 7

#5678693 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 4:38

#8, every good Canadian knows that there are only two seasons; "Hockey Season" and "Not Hockey Season"

If he doesn't know this, then he falls under the "Evil Canadian"

Reply

horneyhic | 15

#5678724 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 5:14

Actually it's hockey season and mosquito season

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5679174 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 14:56

^This.

I washed my jersey (and my dog's jersey) yesterday, they were packed away with my winter clothes.

HOCKEY SEASON! YAY!

Reply

DDiddy | 12

#5679210 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:36

A true Canadian knows that August is the only "No hockey" month. And even then, you still have shinny!

By feldco1 | 17

#5677971 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:53

So evil with their universal healthcare and maple syrup!

Reply

man_in_black08 | 28

#5678414 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:37

Lol ^^

By ctdmforever | 1

#5677980 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:58

Not much of an Fml....lol

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677984 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:02

I got banned for making a similar comment

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677982 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:01

don't let him watch South Park.

Reply

Ziggy122 | 15

#5678101 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:31

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.

Reply

Lasagnaa | 24

#5678940 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 9:53

You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucka!

By olpally | 32

#5678001 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

If he's the reason for the lack or destruction of Twinkies in America, then yes he is evil.

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681823 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:35

I think it was more so the fact that over 1/3 of America's adult population are clinically obese. Canada really doesn't have much to do with that.

By Enslaved | 36

#5678003 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:24

"The evil that men do lives on and on!"