Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 14:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Assumptions

Abuse

By KPKallery - 5/6/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By CheeseMonsters - 24/1/2010 12:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

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By jabba - 5/10/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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By sluttyfox - 31/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

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By musicgod123 - 29/12/2010 16:56 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By tgpgs - 19/1/2011 14:55

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2012 20:04 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By sally - 25/1/2014 17:42 - United States - Augusta

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

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By ANON - 21/9/2016 14:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2016 11:17 - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By NoRespect - 22/5/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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By kellb123 - 18/12/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

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By woodre - 2/9/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2010 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

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By ashamed - 28/10/2019 02:00

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By ChimerV - 15/11/2014 18:20 - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

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By acnegirl - 26/7/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By nature - 25/9/2017 23:15

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

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By Genius - 25/6/2019 14:00

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By hey-ooo - 28/10/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

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By EnglandRocks - 12/3/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Lame - 10/7/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

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By Lisa - 11/8/2018 03:30

Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes I understood why. FML

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By alliez108 - 18/11/2011 00:50 - United States

Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 17:41 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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By nothowitworks - 3/2/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

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By EOJ - 10/2/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

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By jadehin - 8/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5678140 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 21:20

Bullshit, 34. I had friend who used to put maple syrup on everything. Slowly but surely he started transforming into a maple tree. First it was his arms that turned to tree limbs, that's when I tried getting him to stop, but he wouldn't. Then went his legs, and after a few months we had to plant him in his parents back yard. Yes, I do have a diabetic maple tree as a friend now.. Moral for the story is, don't eat too much maple syrup or you'll turn into a tree boys and girls.

COMMENTS

By Zarcissa | 34

#5677945 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:45

How could your grandfather forget such a thing? Must've been a little awkward for him.

Reply

Lifeisgood3 | 6

#5678066 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:59

Maybe he's old? Or has Alzheimer's..

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5678067 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:00

Whoops

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5856335 - Thursday 13 February 2014 0:13

My best friend used to hate Canadians till she found out she's 50% Canadian.

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5677973 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:54

I agree. I think it was a confession.

Reply

TheGreatPotato | 19

#5678173 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:15

Why is it the first thing I thought was "EEEVIIIIIIL"

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036526 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 18:58

#46 I thought the exact same thing!!

By Bano360 | 25

#5677952 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Did he say sorry?

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681811 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:29

And why on earth would he...?

By Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677953 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Just give him bacon.He won't care anymore if they're evil or not.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677964 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:50

#6 if you give him canadian bacon, your logic will be destroyed...

Reply

Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677987 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:04

It's bacon.Logic is not needed.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677991 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:06

Have you never tasted canadian bacon?

Reply

DrownedMyFish | 18

#5678000 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

16, anything with "bacon" in the name is guaranteed to be delicious.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5678117 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:52

So no, you have not tried canadian "bacon".. Canadian bacon is basically burnt ham.

Reply

rememberkids | 14

#5678179 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:24

Mmmmmmm....back bacon.

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#5678843 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 7:08

Hey the only people who even eat Canadian Bacon are the people ordering Egg McMuffins, that's a fact, Jack!

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681817 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:30

Woah woah woah #35. I hate to burst your bubble, but if you think "burnt bacon" is "Canadian bacon", then you have not yet eaten Canadian bacon. It's the back bacon, cut thicker and usually is in a patty shape rather than strips. It could also be referring to peameal bacon. Sorry dude, you've been living a lie. And Canadian bacon is wonderful, just sayin'.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036527 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 19:00

Preach!

By perdix | 29

#5677966 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:51

Hockey season is about to begin. He'll be ok when the games count for real. It's just an annual collective Canadian withdrawal symptom.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5678369 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:16

Oh thank God. I cannot wait. Off season sucks!

Reply

kemic | 7

#5678693 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 4:38

#8, every good Canadian knows that there are only two seasons; "Hockey Season" and "Not Hockey Season"

If he doesn't know this, then he falls under the "Evil Canadian"

Reply

horneyhic | 15

#5678724 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 5:14

Actually it's hockey season and mosquito season

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5679174 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 14:56

^This.

I washed my jersey (and my dog's jersey) yesterday, they were packed away with my winter clothes.

HOCKEY SEASON! YAY!

Reply

DDiddy | 12

#5679210 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:36

A true Canadian knows that August is the only "No hockey" month. And even then, you still have shinny!

By feldco1 | 17

#5677971 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:53

So evil with their universal healthcare and maple syrup!

Reply

man_in_black08 | 28

#5678414 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:37

Lol ^^

By ctdmforever | 1

#5677980 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:58

Not much of an Fml....lol

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677984 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:02

I got banned for making a similar comment

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677982 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:01

don't let him watch South Park.

Reply

Ziggy122 | 15

#5678101 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:31

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.

Reply

Lasagnaa | 24

#5678940 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 9:53

You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucka!

By olpally | 32

#5678001 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

If he's the reason for the lack or destruction of Twinkies in America, then yes he is evil.

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681823 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:35

I think it was more so the fact that over 1/3 of America's adult population are clinically obese. Canada really doesn't have much to do with that.

By Enslaved | 36

#5678003 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:24

"The evil that men do lives on and on!"