Miscellaneous: Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

People are strange

By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By fuck - United States - Saint Thomas

Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML

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By bfall74 - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

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By stargate25 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By TractorUWG - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

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By Anonymous

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

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By jesspie - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gardnerville

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By Badab1ng - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By Pups4Cups

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

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By never_ending_hangover - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend out to meet my coworkers for the first time. I really wanted to impress them, and get them to think how cool we are to hang out with, since I am new to LA. Instead, my boyfriend threw up in my boss's sink. FML

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By pey - 21/5/2020 14:00

Revelations

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

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By cantcloselegs - United States

Today, I was using my new curling iron to curl my hair. I was sitting down. Suddenly I dropped the iron and, as a reflex, I caught it between my bare thighs. FML

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By dac5

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By monogamous - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

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By notgivingup - United States

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

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By Blazouta - France

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

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By katta2009 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

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By shifala - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Funless - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have been getting calls from a weird kid from my school asking for nudes. I asked how he got my number, then found out that my friends put my number on a pole at school saying "Call Wendy for a good time, she has nice tits". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

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By - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish." FML

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By ikickgingers - United States

Today, I found out my boss and some employees on my floor have bets placed on who can get the best picture of my ass. I found out when one of the pictures was accidentally sent to me. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

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By UniStudi

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

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By SadFoxLady - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5678140 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 21:20

Bullshit, 34. I had friend who used to put maple syrup on everything. Slowly but surely he started transforming into a maple tree. First it was his arms that turned to tree limbs, that's when I tried getting him to stop, but he wouldn't. Then went his legs, and after a few months we had to plant him in his parents back yard. Yes, I do have a diabetic maple tree as a friend now.. Moral for the story is, don't eat too much maple syrup or you'll turn into a tree boys and girls.

COMMENTS

By Zarcissa | 34

#5677945 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:45

How could your grandfather forget such a thing? Must've been a little awkward for him.

Reply

Lifeisgood3 | 6

#5678066 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:59

Maybe he's old? Or has Alzheimer's..

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5678067 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:00

Whoops

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5856335 - Thursday 13 February 2014 0:13

My best friend used to hate Canadians till she found out she's 50% Canadian.

By perdix | 29

#5677951 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

What if he is evil?

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5677973 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:54

I agree. I think it was a confession.

Reply

TheGreatPotato | 19

#5678173 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:15

Why is it the first thing I thought was "EEEVIIIIIIL"

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036526 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 18:58

#46 I thought the exact same thing!!

By Bano360 | 25

#5677952 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Did he say sorry?

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681811 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:29

And why on earth would he...?

By Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677953 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:47

Just give him bacon.He won't care anymore if they're evil or not.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677964 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:50

#6 if you give him canadian bacon, your logic will be destroyed...

Reply

Beepbeep7 | 14

#5677987 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:04

It's bacon.Logic is not needed.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5677991 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:06

Have you never tasted canadian bacon?

Reply

DrownedMyFish | 18

#5678000 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

16, anything with "bacon" in the name is guaranteed to be delicious.

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5678117 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:52

So no, you have not tried canadian "bacon".. Canadian bacon is basically burnt ham.

Reply

rememberkids | 14

#5678179 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:24

Mmmmmmm....back bacon.

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#5678843 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 7:08

Hey the only people who even eat Canadian Bacon are the people ordering Egg McMuffins, that's a fact, Jack!

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681817 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:30

Woah woah woah #35. I hate to burst your bubble, but if you think "burnt bacon" is "Canadian bacon", then you have not yet eaten Canadian bacon. It's the back bacon, cut thicker and usually is in a patty shape rather than strips. It could also be referring to peameal bacon. Sorry dude, you've been living a lie. And Canadian bacon is wonderful, just sayin'.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6036527 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 19:00

Preach!

By perdix | 29

#5677966 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:51

Hockey season is about to begin. He'll be ok when the games count for real. It's just an annual collective Canadian withdrawal symptom.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5678369 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:16

Oh thank God. I cannot wait. Off season sucks!

Reply

kemic | 7

#5678693 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 4:38

#8, every good Canadian knows that there are only two seasons; "Hockey Season" and "Not Hockey Season"

If he doesn't know this, then he falls under the "Evil Canadian"

Reply

horneyhic | 15

#5678724 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 5:14

Actually it's hockey season and mosquito season

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5679174 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 14:56

^This.

I washed my jersey (and my dog's jersey) yesterday, they were packed away with my winter clothes.

HOCKEY SEASON! YAY!

Reply

DDiddy | 12

#5679210 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:36

A true Canadian knows that August is the only "No hockey" month. And even then, you still have shinny!

By feldco1 | 17

#5677971 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:53

So evil with their universal healthcare and maple syrup!

Reply

man_in_black08 | 28

#5678414 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:37

Lol ^^

By ctdmforever | 1

#5677980 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 18:58

Not much of an Fml....lol

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677984 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:02

I got banned for making a similar comment

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5677982 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:01

don't let him watch South Park.

Reply

Ziggy122 | 15

#5678101 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 20:31

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.

Reply

Lasagnaa | 24

#5678940 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 9:53

You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucka!

By olpally | 32

#5678001 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:20

If he's the reason for the lack or destruction of Twinkies in America, then yes he is evil.

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5681823 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:35

I think it was more so the fact that over 1/3 of America's adult population are clinically obese. Canada really doesn't have much to do with that.

By Enslaved | 36

#5678003 - Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:24

"The evil that men do lives on and on!"