Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total... - FML

By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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Rock, hard place

Who's a good boy?

In my day…

By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 04:08 - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By left4dead - 27/10/2012 20:04 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML

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By LemonTree - 20/11/2014 11:32 - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

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By wolfwolfy - 13/3/2010 07:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

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By Sleepy head - 7/10/2013 01:34 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By Notthatone - 21/4/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

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By pissfaced - 2/1/2010 13:41 - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

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By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 13:48 - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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By future burger flipper - 3/6/2013 19:22 - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 06:05 - United States

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

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By SolaceInRage - 20/3/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Wannabees - 3/4/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By Deaththreat101 - 8/8/2012 20:39 - United States - Evanston

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

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By deardaughter - 14/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 08:45 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

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By rocks_hurt - 16/8/2018 13:00

Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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By Closingwild - 21/7/2012 06:18 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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By petpeeeve - 11/3/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 06:38 - Australia - Boondall

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

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By CRC - 23/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By bobin - 29/8/2011 17:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

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By too cool - 1/7/2014 03:59 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

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By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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By doesnttastegood - 1/2/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By JJ - 3/10/2015 07:42 - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 06:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, neither I nor any of my coworkers understand why our boss hates me enough that I feel the need to carry pepperspray on me at all times. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2013 09:44 - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 05:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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By Fuperman - 2/6/2013 23:14 - France - Illange

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

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By Balls - 27/5/2017 22:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

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By snow - 22/9/2009 09:12 - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 02:04 - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2016 01:56 - United States - Indiana

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

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Top comments

By aback | 4

#704282 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:10

I hope you gave the fucker his change in pennies.

By KingHumanity | 0

#704272 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:08

It's the little old ladies in front of me at the checkout counting exact change at a rate of 1 coin / 2 seconds that make me want to strangle them.

COMMENTS

By nihilanth | 0

#704266 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:04

lul

Reply

I_Dont_Feel_Bad | 0

#705325 - Saturday 5 December 2009 2:49

Lol, I would've just thrown the quarters right in his face, but only after he paid an received the bill though :P

Reply

MysteryJoker | 5

#705451 - Saturday 5 December 2009 4:25

"No!!! You're going to find another 50 cents in change!!!!!"

Reply

humorizer | 14

#706257 - Saturday 5 December 2009 20:31

Oh my gosh! You had to count 40 coins! How horrific!

Reply

oicu812xD | 16

#4398712 - Sunday 6 May 2012 22:00

$10 in quarters= 40 coins. At best $5 in dimes and nickels= 51 coins(49 dimes and two nickels) 40+51=91. Great math skills genius.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5814995 - Friday 3 January 2014 10:49

60, well it sure wasn't pleasant.

By KingHumanity | 0

#704272 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:08

It's the little old ladies in front of me at the checkout counting exact change at a rate of 1 coin / 2 seconds that make me want to strangle them.

Reply

Joanlysn | 0

#3661203 - Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:57

Hahahahahaha

Reply

itsharkley | 8

#4749278 - Monday 30 July 2012 3:31

Trollin ladies

By snowgun10 | 0

#704273 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:08

Haha! That elder is the funniest I love him

Reply

cowgod | 0

#705521 - Saturday 5 December 2009 5:15

.... little droplets of poop?

Reply

failtactular | 0

#2212181 - Sunday 20 March 2011 21:55

idiot.

By QTp13 | 10

#704275 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:09

:'D You gotta love them old people!

Reply

perdix | 29

#704372 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:56

Only the ones that can write you into their wills.

Reply

QTp13 | 10

#704537 - Friday 4 December 2009 18:55

Yes, that too! How could I forget?!?

By somepartsareme | 0

#704280 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:09

You just KNOW he did that on purpose.

By aback | 4

#704282 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:10

I hope you gave the fucker his change in pennies.

Reply

redgun40 | 16

#6207443 - Friday 20 February 2015 5:10

Pennies don't exist anymore

By tick_tock | 0

#704283 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:10

As a former cashier, I can personally sympathize with this FML. This is the epitome of the crap that cashiers go through on a daily basis.

Being a cashier in many ways made me hate humanity, therefore I had to quit to keep my sanity.

Reply

Starfire22 | 5

#704405 - Friday 4 December 2009 17:14

Yea it's instances such as the OP's, that make me so thankful for my new job... I'm still trying to repress the memories of five years in retail...

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#704413 - Friday 4 December 2009 17:18

I feel u... lol

Reply

Kingdutch | 3

#704516 - Friday 4 December 2009 18:34

#7 Nice riming :D

#17 Eeew...

Reply

Opiton1 | 0

#704573 - Friday 4 December 2009 19:31

Congratulations pendantic on the idiot comment of the day. Moron.

Reply

aifen7053 | 1

#3922479 - Sunday 22 January 2012 5:42

Same here dude. They did that to me all the time. EVEN WORSE since I live on a border town "do you take mexican money?" makes it even more difficult :/

Reply

merrielp | 13

#4884969 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:42

Been there.

By Jimboom | 11

#704292 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:14

I hope you took the £10 bill and gave him his change back in said nickels. And then every time you had a handful of his change you just dropped it all on the ground!

Reply

happyhak | 5

#999677 - Friday 21 May 2010 0:55

Fail #27 of the day: The OP is american and they even said in the FML that it was $10 not £10... :l

By perdix | 29

#704300 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:17

I thought he was going to ask you to reach into his pocket to help him find his "other" roll of quarters.

Reply

emeraldchicky | 0

#2845973 - Friday 8 July 2011 7:19

... Another awkward comment from perdix.

By emelvin | 0

#704351 - Friday 4 December 2009 16:43

man that really sucks. im a chasier too , and get people like that all the time. sucks

Reply

JKinIN | 0

#704436 - Friday 4 December 2009 17:31

i hope like me you hand them back the coins as change and dont let them try and get the bills back