Money: Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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Proactive

Mother of the year

Gratitude walks

By manicmandy - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By K.. - 28/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Put your foot down

Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Australia

Modern Family

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he is the only meat eater in the family. When she finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 08:01

Drawing a blank

Today, I sat my end of year assessment. I was quite pleased that nothing I learned in my syllabus came up on the test. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 08:00

Emotional support

Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

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By anonymous - Austria

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

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By Bitch its me - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By longdrive - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I wanted to join the bus drivers strike. I couldn't… the buses were on strike. FML

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By thechimpchapter - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By slingshot - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By wiseoldone - United States

Today, I am going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out, I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By UnknownKitten - United States - Elgin

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

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By confused - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By rozsrredd - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By nose hurts - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By ScaredDad

Today, I needed to grab something from the garage. As soon as the door closed, I heard a little click sound. My one-year-old seems to have figured out the door lock. FML

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By Dummy - United States

Creepy

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By porkieworkie - United States

Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested in, I parked on campus and decided to eat my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

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By sourcandy013 - United States

Today, my 11 year old sister deleted me off Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

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By marshmallowssss - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

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Top comments

By jane99 | 0

#695030 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

I'm a cashier, I feel for you.

By Punderful | 0

#695124 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:23

I guess you wish you'd CHANGED your mind about being nice!

COMMENTS

By mastory96 | 0

#695019 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:51

at least she paid. quit your whining, asshole.

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#695435 - Sunday 29 November 2009 23:50

#2 I think you're missunderstanding this fml. Why would he care if she pays, op is not the cashier, he let her go infront of him in line to checkout because she only had two items

By DeathByFalchion | 0

#695026 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:52

This is why people should pay with exact change whenever they can. Or use a credit card instead.

By jane99 | 0

#695030 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

I'm a cashier, I feel for you.

By victoriab12 | 0

#695032 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

Lol nice.

By ASHLEEBAYBEEx3 | 4

#695033 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

5th :D

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#696164 - Monday 30 November 2009 7:33

I didnt know 6 was the new 5. Tbh thats a true fml tho, i wonder if the person with the 2 items did it on purpose to take out change.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#695043 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:55

wow... well atleast u were nice

By soul_fml | 0

#695048 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:55

hope u didn't have any pressing issues :)

By Ketia | 5

#695119 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:20

Oh I would told her to go use the coin star.

By Punderful | 0

#695124 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:23

I guess you wish you'd CHANGED your mind about being nice!

Reply

Tigg3r | 3

#695276 - Sunday 29 November 2009 21:48

that seriously wasn't funny....

Reply

KaySL | 24

#695283 - Sunday 29 November 2009 21:52

Fuck you, it was funny. Albeit in a "painfully bad joke" way, but still...

Reply

Punderful | 0

#695313 - Sunday 29 November 2009 22:18

Exactly. Come on, Tigg3r, get with it. *Scoff*

Reply

KaySL | 24

#695319 - Sunday 29 November 2009 22:21

*scoff* *snort* *grunt*

OH GOD, PHLEGM! *spits on Tigg3r*

By Anthrophobia | 2

#695126 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:24

No good deed goes unpunished.