Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line.... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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Tidy your room

You snooze, you lose

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 02:02

I need it

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

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By Hailey - 13/2/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend. I am at my Aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she is taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By spasti-cunt - 17/5/2014 20:51 - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

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By LostSleep - 24/5/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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By a - 1/3/2011 15:00

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

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By Metallurge - 13/3/2015 03:02 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

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By jessica - 2/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2014 16:27 - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By Hellish - 21/10/2016 04:11 - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 05:10 - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

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By dentistftw - 8/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 02:01

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By stephiexbabexx - 15/1/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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By Juliett - 29/8/2019 19:00 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By SeeBrendenBurn - 21/11/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

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By Bellend - 21/2/2012 07:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

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By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML

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By noname - 7/1/2009 11:43 - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 22:45 - United States - Traverse City

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By Skittles - 13/8/2017 20:00

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:47 - United States - Miami

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

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By twoheadedboy - 6/5/2009 20:46 - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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By Illinoisgirl - 14/2/2012 14:29 - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I found out that the blind man I've been helping for months at the grocery store by carrying his shopping around and stuff was actually faking his blindness. FML

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By Old? - 14/1/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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By what_a_loner - 17/11/2013 22:07 - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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By yessir - 1/12/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:03

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

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By baller - 8/6/2009 10:39 - Australia

Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she'll be blowing tonight". The guy next to me was her dad. FML

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By AlwaysAfraid - 16/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 13:09 - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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Top comments

By jane99 | 0

#695030 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

I'm a cashier, I feel for you.

By Punderful | 0

#695124 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:23

I guess you wish you'd CHANGED your mind about being nice!

COMMENTS

By mastory96 | 0

#695019 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:51

at least she paid. quit your whining, asshole.

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#695435 - Sunday 29 November 2009 23:50

#2 I think you're missunderstanding this fml. Why would he care if she pays, op is not the cashier, he let her go infront of him in line to checkout because she only had two items

By DeathByFalchion | 0

#695026 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:52

This is why people should pay with exact change whenever they can. Or use a credit card instead.

By jane99 | 0

#695030 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

I'm a cashier, I feel for you.

By victoriab12 | 0

#695032 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

Lol nice.

By ASHLEEBAYBEEx3 | 4

#695033 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:53

5th :D

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#696164 - Monday 30 November 2009 7:33

I didnt know 6 was the new 5. Tbh thats a true fml tho, i wonder if the person with the 2 items did it on purpose to take out change.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#695043 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:55

wow... well atleast u were nice

By soul_fml | 0

#695048 - Sunday 29 November 2009 19:55

hope u didn't have any pressing issues :)

By Ketia | 5

#695119 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:20

Oh I would told her to go use the coin star.

By Punderful | 0

#695124 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:23

I guess you wish you'd CHANGED your mind about being nice!

Reply

Tigg3r | 3

#695276 - Sunday 29 November 2009 21:48

that seriously wasn't funny....

Reply

KaySL | 24

#695283 - Sunday 29 November 2009 21:52

Fuck you, it was funny. Albeit in a "painfully bad joke" way, but still...

Reply

Punderful | 0

#695313 - Sunday 29 November 2009 22:18

Exactly. Come on, Tigg3r, get with it. *Scoff*

Reply

KaySL | 24

#695319 - Sunday 29 November 2009 22:21

*scoff* *snort* *grunt*

OH GOD, PHLEGM! *spits on Tigg3r*

By Anthrophobia | 2

#695126 - Sunday 29 November 2009 20:24

No good deed goes unpunished.