Intimacy: Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced...

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 751

You deserved it 3 849

Intimacy

Another great day to be alive

Own it

Tits McGee

By Cissy - 27/12/2018 00:00

Today, my former coworker called to ask if he could get it on with my ex-husband. The same ex I was married to for 20 years without knowing anything about his other life. I've been replaced by an overweight, middle-aged furry. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 384

You deserved it 242

By Alex - 26/06/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 796

You deserved it 3 400

By Anonymous - 24/03/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 066

You deserved it 3 746

Get packing!

By Anonymous - 03/09/2009 09:48 - United States

Today, I was able to check my voicemail and email for the first time in two weeks. The only message I got was from my landlord telling me that the house I'm renting is in foreclosure, and I needed to have all my stuff out in ten days. He left the message nine days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 213

You deserved it 5 759

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 655

You deserved it 64 561

By Anonymous - 13/05/2016 03:46 - United States - Nampa

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 939

You deserved it 3 745

By no boobies - 29/05/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 664

You deserved it 4 354

By braceforcarnage - 02/12/2014 15:42 - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 922

You deserved it 3 154

By yamada - 25/02/2011 10:15 - Singapore

Today, all the staff in my company were forced to attend an evening Chippendale show. Everyone in my department managed to think of a good reason to escape while I failed and no other choice but to go. I'm the only guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 435

You deserved it 6 688

By retail can shart a cock - 09/01/2016 05:25 - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 808

You deserved it 1 294

By Sabre - 10/07/2018 01:30

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 088

You deserved it 288

Escape game

By Anonymous - 05/12/2021 11:01

Today, my date escaped through a second-storey bathroom window before our drinks even arrived. She later texted me that it wasn’t my fault, I just reminded her too much of her father, even though I’m two years younger than her and look nothing like the photos I've seen of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 90

By Anonymous - 13/06/2013 18:56 - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 366

You deserved it 3 819

By KMilly - 01/05/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 388

You deserved it 62 451

By deeenalynn - 18/07/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 802

You deserved it 4 256

Backwards

By bad sis - 23/09/2019 05:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 704

You deserved it 128

By microtech - 13/12/2011 17:33 - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 565

You deserved it 3 334

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I noticed that the longer I work from home, the more inclined my mother is to interrupting it every five or ten minutes. She says I can stay online late to make it a full 8 hours, but then gets mad when I actually do so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 12:00

Today, while I was sitting in the living room with my mother, my phone rang. She immediately exclaimed, "I'm not calling you! Why is it going off?" She was serious. My own mother doesn't believe people talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 166

By Skidaddle123 - 23/08/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 926

You deserved it 9 696

Christmas is canceled

By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 09/09/2010 01:33 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 116

You deserved it 31 144

By parentalissues - 15/02/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 267

You deserved it 2 967

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 362

You deserved it 9 137

By Anonymous - 19/06/2019 00:04

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 219

Tough love

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 05:01

Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 360

By GDubeau24 - 05/11/2013 17:34 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 000

You deserved it 2 848

By anonymous - 29/08/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law told my husband that I cannot stay in her house unless I can bring proof from a doctor that my allergy to cats is not contagious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 465

You deserved it 2 506

By spiderchick23 - 10/02/2011 00:41 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 442

You deserved it 2 831

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 742

You deserved it 43 981

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 749

You deserved it 3 054

By ICallBullshxt - 18/03/2017 20:00

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 019

You deserved it 6 712

By Satan's Lil elf - 14/01/2019 14:00

Today, I broke my mirror off going to the drive-through at McDonald's. Even the cashier watching was like, "Fuck, dude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 1 830

By idontunderstand - 07/05/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 674

You deserved it 305

We don't need no education

By Anonymous - 07/07/2021 11:01

Today, I received a call from a top-rated university accepting me into the program of my dreams to begin my ultimate career. Two weeks ago, I accepted a permanent, full time and legally-binding job position in my depressive hometown because the school had previously rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 90

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 07:07 - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 811

You deserved it 5 035

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - 08/04/2010 04:27 - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 61 923

By weddinggirl - 27/08/2010 09:57 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 369

You deserved it 10 033

Everyone's A Critic

By hushed - 30/08/2017 15:14 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 807

You deserved it 237

Cheers, Henry

By Tams - 12/09/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my grandma and I went to visit one of her friends. The elderly gentleman told me I'd grown into a very beautiful young woman, to which my grandma replied, "Have you started in on the sherry early this evening, Henry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 386

You deserved it 113

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Top comments

Zestus 19

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:02

is it even possible to cockblock yourself?

NothernNightmare 18

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:02

OCD or not, using a condom is always a good thing.

NothernNightmare 18

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:02

OCD or not, using a condom is always a good thing.

SenselessPattern 12

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:13

Protection is especially important in dreams to prevent dream-herpes. Just be glad the woman in your dream didn't turn into a shark or tree shredder halfway through.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:15

It's always a wise thing, but it's never a good thing.

MoneyStacks 4

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:41

I hate condoms.

xlord 27

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:45

Protection is also extremely important when being mind fucked. Some people have really dirty minds....

charvisioku 22

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:50

I agree with 18 here... it's definitely the more sensible thing to do, but god they don't half ruin it... they feel shit.

gmaniac93 7

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:25

Haha, well thats a DICK move on your part, thats gotta SUCK.

unknown_user5566 26

Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:42

33- Then you must love unexpected pregancies and STD's!

mduffy08 8

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 19:08

15 - I remember when I was diagnosed with dream AIDS, then I woke up.

LiveLoveBeatles 19

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 21:57

33- you must get that from your parents, huh?

israelnotjacob 20

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Saturday 24 November 2012 15:53

I have to say YDI because even though OCD typically isn't by choice, if it's this serious that you can't even enjoy a dam sex dream you're clearly not dealing with it, and that is your fault.

MikeFoxtrot01594 11

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Saturday 24 November 2012 18:45

94 It's not an OCD. I have OP's problem when writing "erotic literature."

m_2_teh_c 6

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Thursday 6 December 2012 16:52

55- you are so right! :)

Zestus 19

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:02

is it even possible to cockblock yourself?

Feared 9

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:18

Definitely. The following can usually do the trick: -Insulting your partner. -Farting -Sticking it in the wrong hole. -Menstration. -Pointing out, that there is a way hotter guy/girl to sleep with. -Reading FML's when you should be paying attention to your partner.

xlord 27

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:39

Saying "I love you *insert sisters name*"

MormonPornstar 7

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:24

20 - Never met a guy who menstruates...

unknown_user5566 26

Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:46

49- I think #20 meant that as a self-"cock"block for a woman.

Jonaahhhh 12

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:52

Yes. Wear one of the hats with the propeller on top. Or use "Swag" and "Yolo".... Surefire cock blocks

trivel64 16

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 20:26

I would totally do a guy with a propellor cap tho

Noxialis 9

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Thursday 22 November 2012 0:52

#73 - In that case, look me up, eh. I'll spin you right round ;)

lhazz11 23

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:03

Well, at least we know you'll use it in real life:)

Feared 9

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:20

Or you could just wear one to bed. Problem solved.

Puffytruffles 18

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Thursday 22 November 2012 5:11

Better than having sexual relations with a rubber duck.

XPetrova 10

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:05

Look at it as a warning or a prophecy for the future...

xlord 27

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:41

I had a dream where I became batman and king of russia in the same day. Can I look at mine as a prophecy?

Stealthed 8

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:46

Dream? That is pretty much vladimir putin's life summed up. I don't think I've ever once seen that guy turn around to look at an awesome explosion behind him. Not once..

SammyS2012 21

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 20:12

Well now you can't become batman because you blew your future secret identity :/

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:05

Atleast it wasn't a triple nut tap.

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:19

By the way it's a reference to the guy who hit his nut on the table. He hit them three times.

Schizomaniac 24

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:33

It was a noble attempt, bud.

2pepper3 10

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:05

Practicing safe habits pays off, kids are expensive...

BeccaHugs 17

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:06

Don't be silly, wrap your willy!

2pepper3 10

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:08

Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy!

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:15

Don't be a fool, wrap your tool!

nikininja 4

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:25

Before you get spunky, cover your monkey!

chubbybunny963 7

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:57

Don't let your affection give her an infection. Put some protection on that erection!

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:07

@40 put on a wrapper before you tap her.

Stealthed 8

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:38

You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong!

andiewithlove 21

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 19:36

No glove? No love!

trivel64 16

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 20:27

Put a jacket on that package!

Bella242 0

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:36

Yup! Exactly!^^

JoeRogansBEARD 15

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 23:57

74killed it

bmw791797 2

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Thursday 22 November 2012 5:38

Dont be a prick, cover your dick!

2pepper3 10

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:18

84- It's dead...I'm. Sorry

ardencred 7

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Thursday 22 November 2012 10:09

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!

challan 19

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:06

That's a good thing OP! Tomorrow night you may have dreamt you were a guest on Maury! You are the dream father!!

geon_olam 17

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:06

I think you have to learn the difference between OCD and common sense. Not wanting to have sex without a condom isn't an abnormal disorder- it's very reasonable. The panic attack sucks though.

shannonreneee 11

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 19:16

9, people do self diagnose, but it could genuinely be OCD. I have OCD induced dreams about events in my life I cannot control and obsess over incessantly (it's been diagnosed).