Money: Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well... - FML

By NevertheKool - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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Taking stock

Unreasonable

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By buryuntime - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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By yogabbagabba - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

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By trbaby - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

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By Wronged - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 00:58 - United States - Edmond

Say nothing

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

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By katiebell

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

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By nothing like tasty asshole - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer had kept my I.D by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML

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By ihateithere

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

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By CallmeTokey

Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By neverdatingacopagain - United States

Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By schoolkiddo - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

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By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By oogabooga9

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 20:00

Motherly love

Today, my son handed me a handful of snot he just sneezed out, then went back to playing with his Lego. I had IVF and gave up a career as a lawyer to have this little snot demon. FML

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By ivegotapackage - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

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By mom

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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By neverleavingthehouseagain - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised I can tell which family member has just left the bathroom from the smell alone. FML

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By FistFighter - United States

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

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By soldiergirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because he "can't date someone who supports the war". We started dating because he thought I looked cute in my uniform. FML

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By please don't get the succ - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By backseatbusted - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By nemesis5196523 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

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Top comments

By pixierara | 28

#6285106 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

*couch* I don't think you slept on your coach, I think he would have made you run

By leafeon523 | 20

#6285104 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:04

Ydi for not having motivation and complaining about it online.

COMMENTS

By leafeon523 | 20

#6285104 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:04

Ydi for not having motivation and complaining about it online.

Reply

drunkmunkey | 24

#6285124 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:11

Assuming she meant couch then she deserves it, but if she really fell asleep on her coach then you know she at least burned off some of the pizza

Reply

davisjenny81 | 30

#6285152 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:47

Exactly. Maybe now she'll learn to not say "I better check Instagram before I leave." That will probably resolve many issues like that in OP's life

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6285170 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:09

How can you spend hours on social media for fuck's sake? Get a damn life kid. No wonder you're a failure level 100.

Reply

santosb1 | 11

#6285414 - Friday 8 May 2015 19:53

It's what my generation does brahhh, waste our life away with selfies and and pound signs, sorry hastags.

Reply

HuiEtyud | 7

#6285513 - Friday 8 May 2015 21:42

I thought that was the reason for the Internet. Huh.

By pixierara | 28

#6285106 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

*couch* I don't think you slept on your coach, I think he would have made you run

Reply

lexos | 16

#6285299 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:56

Maybe she fell a sleep after some steaming warming up on the coach.

Reply

Zhilla | 19

#6290859 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:01

I read it to mean coach as in the vehicle

By abNormal62 | 23

#6285107 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

Congratulations I'm playing to your strengths

By Hoboman69 | 15

#6285108 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:06

If you don't put forth the effort, change will not happen. Just try each day to live a little healthier than yesterday, you can't change it all at once.

Reply

Isandri | 29

#6285175 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:20

And instead of planning it for the next day, just go for at least short jog, but tonight. works for me ;)

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6285110 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:06

Never too late for a jog OP, why not go now instead?

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6285232 - Friday 8 May 2015 15:45

Cause OP is a lazy bum!

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6286012 - Saturday 9 May 2015 12:09

Take it from #5, OP! Her pics are proof she's fit.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6285113 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

Put me in coach! I'm ready to play?

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6285250 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:22

Play Xbox, maybe.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6285284 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:41

*clap clap clap* Today!

By wyverntail | 15

#6285114 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

We all wish we can do the things we tell ourselves to do. Welcome to the club * hands OP a slice of pizza*

By Psycocharger | 19

#6285116 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

peteto818 | 28

#6285158 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:51

Good for you

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6285117 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

You can still workout, now you have some motivation, working off that yummy pizza!

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6285119 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:09

I don't see how this is anything other than your fault.