Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well... - FML

By NevertheKool - 7/5/2015 21:43 - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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Family values

Serious times

Rock, hard place

By :/ - 4/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - 30/3/2016 05:24 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By TaffyMichele - 13/9/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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By Lisa - 24/9/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By Dante178 - 8/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

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By scribbles1475 - 15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

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By Mariah Heimann - 15/12/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

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By nosleep - 30/6/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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By crybaby - 28/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

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By pchemist - 22/2/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

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By ew - 3/8/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By ChaosFerret - 3/5/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By justletitbeover - 28/5/2011 12:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

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By sarahh38 - 16/9/2009 18:23 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

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By corfan01 - 5/10/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

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By Chihuahuanope - 8/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

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By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 13:13 - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

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By someone - 9/12/2013 12:59 - United States - Mogadore

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

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By tkr - 6/2/2012 03:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By abnormallyadam - 9/2/2016 13:08 - Australia - Footscray

Today, I found out that the guy I've been crushing on for months is actually 15 years old. I'm 22. Not only is it gross, but it's also illegal. FML

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By Kelly - 2/3/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

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By XxFA1LxX - 22/7/2012 13:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2019 00:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 19:22 - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 11:58 - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By TrulyYours - 7/5/2009 12:39 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By redjesus69 - 3/2/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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By supermanxs1 - 9/3/2010 15:32 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

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By kittyslayer - 15/12/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

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By leahkasscar - 6/12/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, I kissed my 3.5 GPA goodbye because my English teacher was too caught up planning her parrot's birthday party to put in the credit I deserve for three different essays I completed for her class. FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By diorlove - 21/1/2010 22:17 - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

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By tortureromoretorture - 27/8/2015 00:28 - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

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Top comments

By pixierara | 28

#6285106 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

*couch* I don't think you slept on your coach, I think he would have made you run

By leafeon523 | 20

#6285104 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:04

Ydi for not having motivation and complaining about it online.

COMMENTS

By leafeon523 | 20

#6285104 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:04

Ydi for not having motivation and complaining about it online.

Reply

drunkmunkey | 24

#6285124 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:11

Assuming she meant couch then she deserves it, but if she really fell asleep on her coach then you know she at least burned off some of the pizza

Reply

davisjenny81 | 30

#6285152 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:47

Exactly. Maybe now she'll learn to not say "I better check Instagram before I leave." That will probably resolve many issues like that in OP's life

Reply

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6285170 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:09

How can you spend hours on social media for fuck's sake? Get a damn life kid. No wonder you're a failure level 100.

Reply

santosb1 | 11

#6285414 - Friday 8 May 2015 19:53

It's what my generation does brahhh, waste our life away with selfies and and pound signs, sorry hastags.

Reply

HuiEtyud | 7

#6285513 - Friday 8 May 2015 21:42

I thought that was the reason for the Internet. Huh.

By pixierara | 28

#6285106 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

*couch* I don't think you slept on your coach, I think he would have made you run

Reply

lexos | 16

#6285299 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:56

Maybe she fell a sleep after some steaming warming up on the coach.

Reply

Zhilla | 19

#6290859 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:01

I read it to mean coach as in the vehicle

By abNormal62 | 23

#6285107 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:05

Congratulations I'm playing to your strengths

By Hoboman69 | 15

#6285108 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:06

If you don't put forth the effort, change will not happen. Just try each day to live a little healthier than yesterday, you can't change it all at once.

Reply

Isandri | 29

#6285175 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:20

And instead of planning it for the next day, just go for at least short jog, but tonight. works for me ;)

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6285110 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:06

Never too late for a jog OP, why not go now instead?

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6285232 - Friday 8 May 2015 15:45

Cause OP is a lazy bum!

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6286012 - Saturday 9 May 2015 12:09

Take it from #5, OP! Her pics are proof she's fit.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6285113 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

Put me in coach! I'm ready to play?

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6285250 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:22

Play Xbox, maybe.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6285284 - Friday 8 May 2015 16:41

*clap clap clap* Today!

By wyverntail | 15

#6285114 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

We all wish we can do the things we tell ourselves to do. Welcome to the club * hands OP a slice of pizza*

By Psycocharger | 19

#6285116 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

peteto818 | 28

#6285158 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:51

Good for you

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6285117 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:08

You can still workout, now you have some motivation, working off that yummy pizza!

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6285119 - Friday 8 May 2015 13:09

I don't see how this is anything other than your fault.