Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years,... - FML

By Wally - 8/5/2009 15:20 - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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Boozehound

Caught red-handed

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By alpine75 - 3/5/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

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By SadOral - 3/7/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

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By Vitani_Verci - 15/1/2016 06:57

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

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By PookaKay02 - 20/9/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

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By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By bleredoshia - 8/4/2010 04:27 - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

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By yulis - 30/11/2013 19:21 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By susan - 24/2/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

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By failure - 14/7/2011 16:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

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By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By WithoutLove - 30/8/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

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By sweetsixteen - 22/6/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find several of my friends there for a surprise sweet sixteen party my mom was throwing for me. Everything was going great until the doorbell rang and a clown walked in. My mom hired a clown for my sweet sixteen. My friends took pictures. FML

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By moduschic - 19/10/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, at work this woman came up to my counter and handed me gold top covered in gold sequins. I like to chat with the customers sometimes at work so I got all excited and said "Ooh! You shopping for Halloween?" She gave me the biggest death stare. Turns out she wasn't shopping for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By pooperscooper - 20/2/2017 00:00 - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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By Username - 17/8/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

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By Lou - 21/12/2018 18:00

I chose 2 children to buy Christmas for from the local crisis center. Delivered the gifts to the designated spot. Receive a message on fb 4 days later asking when I will be dropping off my toys. Seems they’ve been misplaced. Merry Christmas to all.

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By caesarinozeppeli - 11/5/2017 16:00

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By allgassedout - 4/1/2015 00:23 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 22:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

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By clothesthief - 3/4/2015 10:44 - Australia - Ivanhoe

Today, I finally had nice enough weather to dry my clothes on the washing line. Two hours later, all my clothes were stolen. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite - 17/8/2018 15:00

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By Natalie - 1/4/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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By anonymous - 24/2/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

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By 21! - 3/7/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 23:13

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 20:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By Dan223 - 1/10/2015 13:26 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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By tallesttree54 - 11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By BaliTheDog - 24/3/2013 23:01 - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2015 18:17 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

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By smarty - 16/10/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I bought a safe. I put all of my most prized possessions in it, including all of my jewelry, family heirlooms and important papers. Oh, and just before I locked it up, I put the key to the safe in there too. FML

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By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - 7/8/2013 20:55 - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

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By ugh - 21/4/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By TheNotSoGoodDay - 25/4/2016 23:29 - United States - Charlestown

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - 1/3/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

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By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

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By _akwardsituation - 1/1/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

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By gloomy - 15/8/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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By NoMagicMike - 27/6/2012 16:53 - United States - La Crescent

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

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Top comments

By SnIpEr_fml | 0

#179999 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:11

Yeah, screw that bitch. I'd call her ass up at 5:00 Am or something and ask how she slept

By TheZephyrSon | 3

#179998 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:11

Wow...Your mother has a nasty sense of humor...

Comments

By dudewithface | 0

#179991 - Friday 8 May 2009 20:33

Piss on her face.

By rmm | 0

#179992 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:10

asdaf

Reply

lenkab123 | 0

#1031561 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 1:50

but u didnt sleep in late then

By TheZephyrSon | 3

#179998 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:11

Wow...Your mother has a nasty sense of humor...

By SnIpEr_fml | 0

#179999 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:11

Yeah, screw that bitch. I'd call her ass up at 5:00 Am or something and ask how she slept

Reply

xocourtxo | 0

#869319 - Thursday 18 February 2010 18:53

hahahah that's hilarious. I am gunna do that (:

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#912584 - Thursday 4 March 2010 1:54

then he wouldn't get to sleep in either...

By Rupus | 0

#180000 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:11

7:30 at night? Wow that's a crazy long lie in dude

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#180002 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:13

Sorry dude! Next time switch off all phones!

By TheLRD | 0

#180003 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:12

OH NO.

By couragewolf9001 | 0

#180019 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:18

No sympathy.

By FBIWarning | 0

#180021 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:17

So why did we tell our mother that we got to sleep in? YDI for telling her that...

Reply

Bobby64 | 29

#3065441 - Monday 8 August 2011 18:37

Yeah, what crazy person talks to their parents and tells them what's going on? That's just nuts.

By Rockyio | 0

#180023 - Friday 8 May 2009 21:19

YDI... If you seriously haven't slept in for 3 YEARS.. you would have made a freakin' event out of it & taken precautions before hand. ie: turn of your phone ringers, etc.... douche lol

Reply

metro_mello | 0

#770553 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 20:23

Really this person is a douche just because they have trouble sleeping? What ar you fucking five? Youre the fucking douche.
Being sleep deprived no one can help it. I have had insomnia my whole life so if anyone knows anything about being sleep deprived its ME.
This dude deserved his sleep and his mother woke him up at 7:30 am
ALso mabye he just works a lot. he can't help what times he works. Either your a fucking dumb ass idiot or your five years old. My guess goes with option A :)
Yes i am a bitch
But only because I am pmsing
At least I am not stupid and a bitch like you though.

Reply

XskiezX | 0

#2666228 - Sunday 12 June 2011 17:48

he's obviously not sleep deprived?