Miscellaneous: Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger,...

By Anonymous - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Surprise strike

Horsing around

By It's a foot long

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By wishbone - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 10/6/2020 14:19

My cousin the shitgibbon

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Ieper

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

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By Ob3nie - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By whatnot - Canada

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By julia - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By nothingdoes - United States

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

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By SeagullsShouldDie - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML

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By Dickhead - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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By BulldogHoops - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

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By smellslikeahangover - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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By lonely dreams - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By Overlord247 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

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By ohgod - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By SymmetricalPizzaFace - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By Infected - United States

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By acincollege - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By rainedaddy - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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Top comments

By ShleeG | 23

#6591327 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:29

Maybe start taking some self defence classes. Although you shouldn't feel bad being saved by a 15 year old. Kickass people come in all shapes and sizes

By Tripartita | 44

#6591328 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:31

Nice, an early draft of the Deadpool screenplay got published as an FML! Man, Negasonic Teenage Warhead was an awesome character.

COMMENTS

By OptimusSlime | 23

#6591326 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:29

She did have the element of surprise, to be fair

By ShleeG | 23

#6591327 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:29

Maybe start taking some self defence classes. Although you shouldn't feel bad being saved by a 15 year old. Kickass people come in all shapes and sizes

shabadabba | 14

#6591409 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:45

And apparently different ages

By Tripartita | 44

#6591328 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:31

Nice, an early draft of the Deadpool screenplay got published as an FML! Man, Negasonic Teenage Warhead was an awesome character.

arano | 29

#6591332 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:33

Just because it's a similar situation doesn't mean it's not real.

Tripartita | 44

#6591343 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:44

What? I was just making a joke, not actually questioning the authenticity of the FML. The situations aren't even that similar.

dafakeslimshady | 12

#6591771 - Thursday 28 April 2016 23:42

take my like. I tip my hat hat to you

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6591844 - Friday 29 April 2016 2:00

That was my first thought too, that movie was priceless.

00whyalwaysme00 | 4

#6599527 - Saturday 7 May 2016 17:57

Best answer EVER! DEADPOOL❤️

By HoboMeth | 32

#6591331 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:32

Brave girl

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6591335 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:35

did you thank her?

By hilamonster06 | 21

#6591344 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hellobobismyname | 24

#6591482 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:52

Not all men are good in hand to hand combat. It doesn't make them any less of a man. Jeez..

deathrise007 | 22

#6591508 - Thursday 28 April 2016 19:21

You are brainwashed with the philosophy of, "You're only a man if you can win a fight."

hacksaw246 | 24

#6591611 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Mathalamus | 24

#6591719 - Thursday 28 April 2016 22:34

Oh, and you can fight off a mugger no problem? Most males, manly or not, will have issues doing that.

TheMathMajor | 26

#6591723 - Thursday 28 April 2016 22:38

Also, what's wrong with feminine men?

Tripartita | 44

#6591939 - Friday 29 April 2016 4:14

As a feminine man, I apologize, #31. But don't despair; you'll find a nice strong man eventually. I promise. ;-)

hacksaw246 | 24

#6592863 - Saturday 30 April 2016 4:06

#48 that's sweet of you fairy but I believe I'll pass on men.

By ShotaSammy | 17

#6591357 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:54

Goth kids are fighters. Dont even feel bad dude, they metal as fuck

RodzillaX | 30

#6593087 - Saturday 30 April 2016 11:23

Don't be an asshole.

frankmz | 17

#6593244 - Saturday 30 April 2016 18:34

??????

By mergeterge | 24

#6591374 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:07

You met Lizbeth Salander? Cool!

sw2f2fchik612 | 12

#6591477 - Thursday 28 April 2016 18:47

My first thought too haha

By deathrise007 | 22

#6591376 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:09

Goth people fight man. No shame. No shame.

By Estelle101_fml | 13

#6591385 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:21

Never underestimate a 15 year old girl, we are very vicious.