Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They... - FML

By miewann - 3/3/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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Make it work

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

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By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By ldrik1 - 11/6/2014 20:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By ugh - 21/1/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 20:07 - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

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By fuckkkkk - 17/5/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By djshahso - 26/2/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

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By FANZZY - 18/8/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By Crappyfayman - 23/2/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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By Worstjob - 3/3/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By JohnFarrell - 24/4/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

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By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By vadoodoo22 - 15/1/2010 05:02 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML

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By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

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By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - 26/8/2015 13:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

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By quickfingers100 - 22/5/2011 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

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By sma93 - 17/12/2016 18:30 - United States - Baldwin

Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML

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By Amb - 1/6/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By naughtymommy0317 - 20/6/2013 08:47 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

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By Angelthecat - 6/3/2020 00:01

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By that girl. - 6/6/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - 26/6/2016 20:52 - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By DyingOfShame - 24/8/2010 23:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

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By goodbyefriend - 21/8/2012 16:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

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By leonieNL - 12/8/2010 14:50 - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2017 01:30

Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML

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By no - 25/6/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By nyaahaha - 2/9/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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Top comments

By xwendifferx | 16

#6221028 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:05

That is so unfair. Don't loose your self respect for a job.

By shiffizzle | 13

#6221032 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:07

You don't want to work at a place like that anyways. You deserve a better job where they actually treat their employees with self respect.

COMMENTS

By xwendifferx | 16

#6221028 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:05

That is so unfair. Don't loose your self respect for a job.

Reply

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6221216 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 12:56

A woman can show some skin and still respect herself....

As long as it is her choice and not coercion from the management.

Reply

sweetnsourrr | 11

#6221235 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 13:35

#28 She didn't say showing skin your is disrespecting yourself...

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6221381 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 16:36

Definitely unfair and grounds for wrongful termination. Your boss is a twat.

Reply

klipper57 | 12

#6221510 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 19:39

Op should have just popped her shirt open a little more

Reply

Fayern | 13

#6221550 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 20:21

She shouldn't have to in order to keep a job, #53.

Reply

Ceecee9c | 10

#6221907 - Thursday 5 March 2015 5:27

Usually grammar doesn't bother me but I have to know why some people are using "loose" instead of "lose"

Reply

xwendifferx | 16

#6221920 - Thursday 5 March 2015 5:50

#68 I barely noticed that and it's bothering me too. oops

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6271183 - Thursday 23 April 2015 21:01

#68 and #70 I think it's a joke about loose shirts being revealing... Or I assume it is.

By Daelynn_17 | 19

#6221029 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:05

well, they didn't have to be such a boob about it.

Reply

tzemmy | 25

#6221038 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:13

how does one be "such a boob"?

Reply

SPFINATOR1993 | 10

#6221065 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:33

Why does this have negative votes????

Reply

Sky_High_Flying | 16

#6222484 - Thursday 5 March 2015 21:05

#10 Have you not watched Drake and Josh?

Reply

thatADHDdude | 21

#6225821 - Sunday 8 March 2015 21:49

#10 by repeating stuff for emphasis. EMPHASIS!

By KinkyMissBinky | 23

#6221030 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:07

More like you got fired because they can't hande your choice to be modest.

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#6221222 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 13:18

Exactly. If OP wanted to show boobs, she could've been a stripper not a waitress.

Reply

notsoanonymous3 | 20

#6221241 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 13:47

Or work at Hooters...

By SkullsRules1 | 26

#6221031 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:07

Maybe you can go somewhere they respect you now :)

By shiffizzle | 13

#6221032 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:07

You don't want to work at a place like that anyways. You deserve a better job where they actually treat their employees with self respect.

Reply

Tthug | 34

#6221223 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 13:22

Self respect is your own opinion of yourself, not what your employer thinks. But I agree that it's no good to work at a place that doesn't respect you.

Reply

shiffizzle | 13

#6221418 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 17:24

Whoops, you're right. I must have been typing too fast. At least you knew what my intentions were when saying it.

By Llama_Man2000 | 26

#6221033 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:07

That sucks OP but if those are the rules of working there then it's probably good you're not there any more.

By MDoremis | 38

#6221034 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:08

Not showing them ENOUGH? Are you kidding me?

By FALLENSEBZERO | 16

#6221035 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:09

Fuck them and their tits.

Reply

xChaos | 29

#6221184 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 12:14

Gladly.

By rocketgurl | 15

#6221036 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:11

You should show them your sexiest asset: your middle finger.

By triplebeerox | 27

#6221039 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 8:13

you' d think that your friend would' ve told you about the boob rule before you applied so that you'd know what to expect...

Reply

Tthug | 34

#6221226 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 13:25

Maybe it was a friend she made on the job?

Reply

Setareh23 | 34

#6224138 - Saturday 7 March 2015 7:27

Perhaps the friend was a cook or a male waiter, and since the rule didnt really apply to them it didn't occur to them to warn her?