Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new... - FML

By Lilragu97 - 26/7/2012 05:14 - United States - Exeter

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

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Business savvy

Toxic parents

True hero

By AnnoyedByFriends - 8/8/2013 04:43

Today, my friends thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - 11/8/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By Parent - 8/4/2018 23:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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By marray - 23/7/2018 12:46 - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2018 19:00

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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By Nightbird827 - 2/12/2015 14:34

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By Heww - 28/9/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, after working an 11 hour shift, I decided to treat myself to a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. When I got home, I sat down, put my feet up, poured myself a cold glass of milk. My dog jumps on my lap and vomits all over my doughnuts, stares at me then bites the doughnut out of my hand. FML

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By shake666 - 4/12/2015 17:50 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

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By carebear1228 - 1/7/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

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By greenroses92 - 19/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2015 08:51 - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

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By Michelle Jade - 5/9/2018 22:00

#worthit

Today, I'm lying in a hospital bed with two broken leg bones, a reattached tendon, and four screws holding my leg together. Why? Because I wanted chocolate milk and some asshat didn't see me walking across the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2014 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

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By pinkrazrgirl247 - 3/7/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML

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By Pissed.Off.Mom. - 6/10/2016 05:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML

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By Rosie - 16/10/2018 12:00

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By nothreat33 - 18/1/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

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By Jaden Dubin - 31/7/2020 08:02

Animal Farm

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

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By foreverafatty - 31/3/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Anonomous - 29/12/2014 00:31 - United States - Plainfield

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

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By thankspal - 24/6/2012 10:57 - United States

Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

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By Tee - 11/12/2009 09:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By shifala - 22/1/2015 09:02 - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By mysidesaresplitting - 14/12/2012 06:44 - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

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By blueballed - 29/11/2014 21:08 - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

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By BilletsDoudous - 15/1/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

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By fihifgni210 - 20/5/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

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By flipnazn - 15/7/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2013 19:35 - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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By Laurendorcus - 14/3/2010 23:13 - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By kaz89 - 28/10/2010 14:19 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - 1/4/2015 02:15 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By frustrated - 11/7/2013 04:52 - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By ac-hoo - 4/2/2012 14:52 - India

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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Top comments

By chrisbravo | 4

#4735319 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Don't you knock? He could've spill hot soup on his penis! Jesus!

By Betz | 10

#4735321 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Well that was a series of unfortunate events.

COMMENTS

By noelykins1 | 19

#4735314 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:19

That must of hurt but it could of been worse he could of been standing up.

Reply

Betz | 10

#4735330 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

*have x3
Sorry, I had to.

Reply

noelykins1 | 19

#4735428 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:43

Completely fine. I forgot about that grammar rule.

Reply

awagh666 | 14

#4736038 - Thursday 26 July 2012 18:30

^It's not a rule; it's a way of life.

Reply

mbusey | 20

#4736064 - Thursday 26 July 2012 18:49

Yes, and you got buried for forgetting it.

By chrisbravo | 4

#4735319 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Don't you knock? He could've spill hot soup on his penis! Jesus!

Reply

allthatandmore | 0

#4735368 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:30

Chicken noodle soup for the soul...

Reply

IOmnomHard | 10

#4735380 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:32

Chicken noodle soup for the middle-aged testicles was my favorite one.

Reply

MikeonFML | 17

#4735618 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:59

I pictured him leaving the door open for some reason

By Betz | 10

#4735321 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Well that was a series of unfortunate events.

Reply

krewer21 | 1

#4735325 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

Agreed.

Reply

music_woman1 | 11

#4735347 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:25

Definitely
I simply don't understand how some feel that this is a YDI

Reply

Deeznutzhairy | 7

#4737043 - Friday 27 July 2012 0:00

Fuck those books .

By music_woman1 | 11

#4735323 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

A dent in the wall?!

Reply

everydayFML2121 | 5

#4735889 - Thursday 26 July 2012 16:43

No shit. A dent in op's head would most likely kill her.

Reply

music_woman1 | 11

#4735902 - Thursday 26 July 2012 16:49

I meant frickin ouch!

Reply

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#4735968 - Thursday 26 July 2012 17:44

#78 - Not necessarily. I have a dent on my head when I accidentally fell right on the corner of the table (this was a couple years ago). I'm still alive, as you can see. So don't be an ass 'cause it can go either way.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#4736424 - Thursday 26 July 2012 20:46

hey now, he isn't being an ass. you've said and proved that a dent in your head could go either way; you survived your head dent but others have not. don't be so rude

By nancyschmancy | 9

#4735327 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

He eats on the toilet? Your mom has a keeper! FYL

Reply

pillowsarecomfy | 2

#4735498 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:04

I agree! Eating on the toilet kind of defeats the purpose of being on the toilet in the first place.

Reply

greenalleycat | 4

#4735615 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:57

It's all about maximising the efficiency of the recycling process

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#4735739 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:33

Nah, it's to torment the soup with the knowledge of its eventual resting place.

Reply

vocaloidtiger | 12

#4736749 - Thursday 26 July 2012 23:04

Did anyone else read 'eating soap' first?

Reply

hunterjumper88 | 8

#6222624 - Friday 6 March 2015 0:31

I did, 112 XD

By patrickalamo | 47

#4735332 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

Which hurt worse your head or eyes.

Reply

CrazyManNo9 | 29

#4735704 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:04

My stomach, actually.

By marisadc79 | 0

#4735337 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

Hmm this one sounds a bit to much and out there to be true. If it did happen wow what a messed up chain of events.

By loloalltheway | 23

#4735339 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:23

I Would be in a huge shock also if that happened to me ....

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#4735454 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:50

Are you sure its huge shock and not small shock? Could it even possibly be average shock?

Reply

loloalltheway | 23

#4735562 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:32

Now that i think about it it's more of an average shock, not the kind of shock when you fall off stairs ...
thanks For helping me clear that up !!!:p

By Meme1988 | 18

#4735341 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:24

That must hurt physically and mentaly and on every scale you might think of..BUT why to eat in the bathroom!!!! just why-eww!!?

Reply

matthew3 | 2

#4735356 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:26

You clearly haven't read the FML properly.

Reply

Meme1988 | 18

#4735361 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:27

Soup*! Wow!! Still weird..

By matthew3 | 2

#4735344 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:24

Bowl of soup to help you feel better?