Miscellaneous: Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new... - FML

By Lilragu97 - United States - Exeter

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Sick burn

Empathy hurts

By anonamous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

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By chiraag87 - United States

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got banned from my boyfriend's house for being an "insurance liability." FML

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By valerie - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

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By Michigan - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

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By janae

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By Aphrodite - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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By samdog37 - 1/12/2020 14:06

Mopping mad

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

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By

Today, I went scuba diving for the first time. The diver took me down some 3 meters and I started showing the thumbs up. He thought I was excited. My breather wasn't working and I was using the sign he told me to use to go up. FML

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By mrniceguy - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend started a fake argument and pretended to be mad at me for four days, which was almost enough time for the gigantic hickey that my best friend gave her on her neck to heal. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

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By ParanoidFreak - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By awkword - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By sleepwalker - United States

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

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By iamrose - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By paranoid neighborhood - United States - Orlando

Today, I was walking back home from a party, when I received an email from our neighborhood watch. It said to beware, because a "thug-like" stranger with a white shirt and brown hair had entered the neighborhood. My hair is indeed brown and I was wearing a white shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 17:00

Baller

Today, my popular friend stole another girl's boyfriend. She didn't keep him very long, though. In fact, she only kept him until I finally got together with my crush. Then she decided she had to have HIM. She succeeded, too. FML

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By AvengedSevenX - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By jalapenos99 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML

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By sweetsixteen - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find several of my friends there for a surprise sweet sixteen party my mom was throwing for me. Everything was going great until the doorbell rang and a clown walked in. My mom hired a clown for my sweet sixteen. My friends took pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

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By wordmalfunction - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

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By Shocked - United States

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

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By nightowl506 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By oops - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By Purple-jacket

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By IceMage - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By NotABeatenWoman - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

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By Enslaved

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

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By jzidar24 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, at school, I got in trouble for plagiarizing on a paper. The subject of said paper was where I see myself in ten years. FML

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By SwaggyP

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

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By Picky

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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Top comments

By chrisbravo | 4

#4735319 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Don't you knock? He could've spill hot soup on his penis! Jesus!

By Betz | 10

#4735321 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Well that was a series of unfortunate events.

COMMENTS

By noelykins1 | 19

#4735314 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:19

That must of hurt but it could of been worse he could of been standing up.

Reply

Betz | 10

#4735330 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

*have x3
Sorry, I had to.

Reply

noelykins1 | 19

#4735428 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:43

Completely fine. I forgot about that grammar rule.

Reply

awagh666 | 14

#4736038 - Thursday 26 July 2012 18:30

^It's not a rule; it's a way of life.

Reply

mbusey | 20

#4736064 - Thursday 26 July 2012 18:49

Yes, and you got buried for forgetting it.

By chrisbravo | 4

#4735319 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Don't you knock? He could've spill hot soup on his penis! Jesus!

Reply

allthatandmore | 0

#4735368 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:30

Chicken noodle soup for the soul...

Reply

IOmnomHard | 10

#4735380 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:32

Chicken noodle soup for the middle-aged testicles was my favorite one.

Reply

MikeonFML | 17

#4735618 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:59

I pictured him leaving the door open for some reason

By Betz | 10

#4735321 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:20

Well that was a series of unfortunate events.

Reply

krewer21 | 1

#4735325 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

Agreed.

Reply

music_woman1 | 11

#4735347 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:25

Definitely
I simply don't understand how some feel that this is a YDI

Reply

Deeznutzhairy | 7

#4737043 - Friday 27 July 2012 0:00

Fuck those books .

By music_woman1 | 11

#4735323 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

A dent in the wall?!

Reply

everydayFML2121 | 5

#4735889 - Thursday 26 July 2012 16:43

No shit. A dent in op's head would most likely kill her.

Reply

music_woman1 | 11

#4735902 - Thursday 26 July 2012 16:49

I meant frickin ouch!

Reply

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#4735968 - Thursday 26 July 2012 17:44

#78 - Not necessarily. I have a dent on my head when I accidentally fell right on the corner of the table (this was a couple years ago). I'm still alive, as you can see. So don't be an ass 'cause it can go either way.

Reply

Llamacod | 11

#4736424 - Thursday 26 July 2012 20:46

hey now, he isn't being an ass. you've said and proved that a dent in your head could go either way; you survived your head dent but others have not. don't be so rude

By nancyschmancy | 9

#4735327 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:21

He eats on the toilet? Your mom has a keeper! FYL

Reply

pillowsarecomfy | 2

#4735498 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:04

I agree! Eating on the toilet kind of defeats the purpose of being on the toilet in the first place.

Reply

greenalleycat | 4

#4735615 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:57

It's all about maximising the efficiency of the recycling process

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#4735739 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:33

Nah, it's to torment the soup with the knowledge of its eventual resting place.

Reply

vocaloidtiger | 12

#4736749 - Thursday 26 July 2012 23:04

Did anyone else read 'eating soap' first?

Reply

hunterjumper88 | 8

#6222624 - Friday 6 March 2015 0:31

I did, 112 XD

By patrickalamo | 47

#4735332 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

Which hurt worse your head or eyes.

Reply

CrazyManNo9 | 29

#4735704 - Thursday 26 July 2012 15:04

My stomach, actually.

By marisadc79 | 0

#4735337 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:22

Hmm this one sounds a bit to much and out there to be true. If it did happen wow what a messed up chain of events.

By loloalltheway | 23

#4735339 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:23

I Would be in a huge shock also if that happened to me ....

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#4735454 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:50

Are you sure its huge shock and not small shock? Could it even possibly be average shock?

Reply

loloalltheway | 23

#4735562 - Thursday 26 July 2012 13:32

Now that i think about it it's more of an average shock, not the kind of shock when you fall off stairs ...
thanks For helping me clear that up !!!:p

By Meme1988 | 18

#4735341 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:24

That must hurt physically and mentaly and on every scale you might think of..BUT why to eat in the bathroom!!!! just why-eww!!?

Reply

matthew3 | 2

#4735356 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:26

You clearly haven't read the FML properly.

Reply

Meme1988 | 18

#4735361 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:27

Soup*! Wow!! Still weird..

By matthew3 | 2

#4735344 - Thursday 26 July 2012 12:24

Bowl of soup to help you feel better?