Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML - FML

By mymomsstupid - 29/6/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

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Understandable

Abuse

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By SterlingSilver91 - 3/9/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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By Ananimus - 26/8/2015 12:31 - United States - Peekskill

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

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By randm1 - 2/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By Crazy Cat-less Lady - 31/10/2016 04:38

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

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By blower - 11/4/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 14:25 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

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By smalltownkid - 1/3/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By Meh - 18/7/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

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By blinkanimgone - 1/9/2010 11:08 - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By smiler - 17/3/2010 16:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

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By John - 26/3/2012 02:53 - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

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By PrayingForMoney - 25/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

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By bronzemedal97 - 15/6/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

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By DennisQuaide69 - 27/6/2017 00:00

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By Anonymous Baker - 10/6/2019 04:43

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 00:49 - United States

Today, I was running the track at my school. My crush of two years was running in front of me, so I decided to catch up and finally talk to her. When I caught up, the only thing I could think to say was, "What's your name?" even though I already knew. She replied, "Natalie". Her name is Melissa. FML

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By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By mishyb - 28/7/2013 04:28 - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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By Ramis182 - 3/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

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By TJ - 6/4/2012 11:10 - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

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By creepycrawley247 - 1/5/2013 02:50 - United States - Ellington

Today, after being nearly homeless and couch-hopping for the last few months, I finally signed a 1-year lease. When I got home, I was surprised to see a picture of my new complex on the front page of the newspaper. It turns out that they are fighting a serious bedbug infestation. FML

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By kirsty - 8/4/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

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By timiscuous - 20/4/2020 20:00 - New Zealand

Thousand-yard stare

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML

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By Roll Tide of Tears - 17/1/2016 03:28 - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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By nico - 1/7/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

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By racist - 15/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

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By meish - 5/6/2016 13:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 04:00

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By LadyLuck - 10/5/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

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By maaaryy - 7/1/2009 05:53 - France

Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML

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By Rawf - 18/7/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, a customer called in and asked me to read off every item on our menu, along with their ingredients. I work at Jamba Juice so that's a lot of reading. After about 10 minutes of this, I found out it was actually my stupid co-worker calling from the back phone. FML

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By ThatSped - 18/2/2016 03:22 - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

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By Volunteer - 13/9/2013 22:24 - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

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Top comments

By nubx | 0

#2785904 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:00

So mother doesn't know best?

By Mrrevorp | 0

#2785912 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:01

ooooooh looks like you're on your own for breakfast huh?

COMMENTS

By nubx | 0

#2785904 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:00

So mother doesn't know best?

Reply

yummycupkake | 0

#2785980 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:04

she's a very kinky girl..the kind you don't take home to mother..wait

Reply

DerrickRoseFan | 0

#2785989 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:05

part of Ke$ha's life story?

Reply

DerrickRoseFan | 0

#2786075 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:13

sometimes they do like if they tell you to not sit on their younger siblings swing set and you do and it breaks then yes moms are right

Reply

Katana9990 | 3

#2787029 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:50

better than dead

Reply

agentx52 | 13

#2787195 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 20:23

Haha, I like the reference 22 is making.

Reply

TheTweaker | 0

#2788594 - Thursday 30 June 2011 2:14

Remember, no news is good news.

Reply

xxwafflez | 0

#2788710 - Thursday 30 June 2011 3:09

you've won $1 000 000! isn't that good news?

Reply

Lumenoire | 0

#2789518 - Thursday 30 June 2011 6:37

Is your mom married to the guy who was on Cops twice?

Reply

souljer | 0

#2789799 - Thursday 30 June 2011 7:44

You just recently watched Tangled didnt you...

Reply

alteregome | 9

#2792427 - Thursday 30 June 2011 18:25

Why does all the exciting stuff happen to other people.

Reply

tworoses | 0

#2873119 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:58

can we trade moms? mine always ends up in Canada :/

By Saltime | 0

#2785910 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:01

Congatulations?

Reply

Salvikidd | 6

#2786044 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:10

congratulations*

Reply

Saltime | 0

#2786092 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:14

My apologies.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#2786863 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:29

apalogies* just kidding.

I'm a troll...

Reply

xXxXxMasonxXxXx | 7

#2787112 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 20:05

34 at least u admit it :3

Reply

cgchamp89 | 7

#2787141 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 20:13

lmao^

Reply

instnt1nfction | 16

#2787946 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 23:27

*lemon

Reply

Saltime | 0

#2788244 - Thursday 30 June 2011 0:40

*banana

Reply

EpicPwnageGuy | 0

#2788355 - Thursday 30 June 2011 1:00

and I'm an Awesome faced spy

Reply

EpicPwnageGuy | 0

#2788362 - Thursday 30 June 2011 1:01

Shit that was random

Reply

TheTweaker | 0

#2788584 - Thursday 30 June 2011 2:12

#17 You do realize he spelled congratulations, correctly?

Reply

XxEmoSnowboarder | 8

#2788610 - Thursday 30 June 2011 2:20

87 really? it says congatulations

Reply

xxwafflez | 0

#2788711 - Thursday 30 June 2011 3:11

I always thought it was congradulations...

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#2788910 - Thursday 30 June 2011 4:21

*Snorange

Reply

MOSESRAISIN | 0

#2789003 - Thursday 30 June 2011 4:46

hows your moms basement been lately?

Reply

madhukar | 3

#2791600 - Thursday 30 June 2011 13:59

#93 looks like katie perry !,
she posted failed comments though >_>

Reply

ILOLatmockdaweek | 0

#2798845 - Friday 1 July 2011 17:13

120 I thought she was a katy perry fan so they'd put a picture of her as their profile picture...

Reply

manda_smith92 | 3

#2817104 - Monday 4 July 2011 6:52

??

Reply

Allie1324 | 0

#3017010 - Monday 1 August 2011 21:41

Hehe ur a sexy one ??????

By Mrrevorp | 0

#2785912 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:01

ooooooh looks like you're on your own for breakfast huh?

Reply

Bananaque | 0

#2786979 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:42

your profile pic is awesome! lol

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2787387 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 21:05

Ohh breakfast alone... soo scary... I would cry if I had to do that.

Reply

Mrrevorp | 0

#2787530 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 22:22

seriously! I almost died when my mom wasn't here this morning buuuuuut she came home with breakfast in hand to save the day lmao

Reply

BigWiggly | 0

#2789534 - Thursday 30 June 2011 6:40

BREAK THE HOT POCKETS QUICK! Two Minutes of Microwave and YOU ARE SET!!?

By steierr | 7

#2785916 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:01

that really sucks

By xroflmao | 0

#2785943 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:03

mummy's been naughty.

By cre8or99 | 0

#2785956 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:03

this is more an fhl than fyl

Reply

iAmScrubs | 19

#2786019 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:07

Today, I got sent to jail. FML. That sounds like a very appealiing FML. If the people who post FMLs don't think they are FMLs, they won't post them.

Reply

cre8or99 | 0

#2786089 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:13

oops my donkey wrote that

By mccaincracker | 6

#2785962 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:03

want a cookie? people go to jail all the time. your moms not the only one.

Reply

BigHoshJosh | 0

#2786084 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:13

your a tool. I hope you know that

By babee57 | 0

#2785972 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:04

why is she in jail?

Reply

knights95 | 9

#2786891 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:32

She was trying to have sex behind a bush.

Reply

mollykatelynch | 11

#2787500 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 22:13

my mom was out walking at 4am before she went to work later that morning and she was talking to this guy who has a restraining order as she has one on him too and they got caught by the police ans she got sent to jail. my sister woke me up by telling me this. im 14. fml. hahah.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#2788916 - Thursday 30 June 2011 4:23

For taking nude pics of you #8. I found some on Craig's List.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2800611 - Friday 1 July 2011 22:01

Prostitution.

By balest22 | 0

#2785985 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:05

I love looking at OP usernames

By amrik | 11

#2785999 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 19:05

fun time