Today, I got a new set of acrylic nails put on. While driving home, I had an urge to pick my nose. My car then went over a speed-bump. I now feel like my brain is bleeding. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML
Today, I was looking at myself in the mirror and tried to touch my face. Unfortunately I have Tourette's, so my hand just uncontrollably slammed into my cheek, consequently jamming one of my fingernails into it. It started bleeding like crazy. My fingernails aren't exactly long, either… that's how hard it hit. FML
Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML
Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML
Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML
Today, I was on autopilot, walking out of the bathroom, and separated my pinky toe from the rest of my toes over the door frame. I dropped to the ground in pain, and my toe and half my foot still hurts hours later. FML
Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview, then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, only to see that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
jtthegr8 26
You're driving....why are you picking your nose?
astoryofroses 9
Note to self: don't pick your nose while driving. but that really does suck OP, hope you feel better!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (210)
chance16 0
Damn, mom always told u not to pick your nose
couturedoll 7
On the bright side, you learned something new today-picking our nose while driving can be painful.
Gtroll 4
Our? Who's nose did she pick besides her own?
ebonyirony 29
33 she meant "your".
Gtroll 4
Thank you SO MUCH 37, I would of never figured that out!
bobeattaco 5
It's spelled you're ^.^
thatKidzmOm 10
46- no, it's not.
crazycatloverr 7
Actually its spelled your because you're is 'you are' put together. So YOU'RE wrong.
Gtroll 4
46- are you serious? Me and little ebony were playing the "sarcasm" game.... The you come along and say "IT'S YOU'RE" So you're telling me it's correctly supposed to be read as "PICKING YOU'RE nose while driving can be painful?" instead of "PICKING YOUR NOSE blah blah blah?".... Gtfo -.- right now.....
crazycatloverr 7
Actually its spelled your because you're is 'you are' put together. So YOU'RE wrong.
Gtroll 4
Then*!!!!! I meant THEN!!!! Damn damn DAMN!
22cute 17
Can we shut up now?? Hmmmm? Have we learned OUR lessons?
pattycakeys12 12
73- have you learned you're lesson?
couturedoll 7
I meant "your"!
70candycane07 0
Nail Rules 101: Don't pick your nose after getting new nails.
aJaguarinRed 9
At least you were honest... But still, the booger wall can wait while you're driving.
doubleohseven 0
Why would you want to tell all of FML that you like to pick your nose lol? You've got balls, haha
guitarbeast 22
Well fml is pretty anonymous
justspin 7
Dude. That would be another fml. a guy with balls and fake nails that long. I'd be wondering what the hell my friends gave me and did.
aeriemakenzie 4
Haha that's grose u drive and still pick ur nose!?
Awsumuzzie 12
English is my second language, please teach me what "grose" means in this text?
AwkwardPartyBear 24
You are perfect grammar nazi bait. Moments like these just makes me want to throw a dictionary at people.
99megster 15
Well the person who wrote it spelled it wrong, it's actually "gross". It means that something is disgusting, nasty, dirty. Example: frog guts are gross. I Hope that helped you understand
snator 0
Same here!
aeriemakenzie 4
I ment gross my phone is messing up Kay! Thanks
22cute 17
"Gross" is short for grotesque.
Pandacupcakelove 26
69- Sure.. What's next, blaming a sibling?
MooseKnuckle5150 13
meant*
nofearjenshere 12
I don't see the problem with picking your nose. Everyone does it from time to time. In fact, reading this FML gave me the urge to pick my nose. Good thing I'm not driving...
lacrossebrah13 8
It's not like you don't pick your nose too...
pavlovaaLOVE 7
20- I thumbed u down simply because you have your number on public display on your profile
dejah_costa 0
Not everyone's perfect , just cause she screwed up one word doesn't mean you guys have to be dick faces .
aeriemakenzie 4
And like I said my phone is messing up
aeriemakenzie 4
20- my number isn't on my page
righound 0
Your gross,I hope u bleed to death:)
emba_fml 13
holy shit dude!
thatKidzmOm 10
A little drastic, don't you think?
aeriemakenzie 4
Wow that's rude!
Honestly_Lainey 21
OP, It's not like speed bumps pop up out of no where. You should have been watching where the hell you were driving. You could have run over a squirrel... Or a person... Or a fence... Or hit another car. You sooo f*ckin' deserve it.
golferman72 16
Did you eat the booger?
XxWolvesBitexX 8
Why do you care?!
ucoolgirl31 20
What design?
XxWolvesBitexX 8
Does it seriously matter?
ucoolgirl31 20
Did I say it did??
Awsumuzzie 12
122, your defensive replies are always so hilarious to read.
ucoolgirl31 20
Well, I don't understand why people put words in my mouth. It is crystal clear what I say and mean.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Your mouth is crystal clear? You should get that checked out.
ucoolgirl31 20
147 - stfu
ucoolgirl31 20
Bitches gonna bitch.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Deformed defensive bitches gonna bitch. Word.
zuzupetalsYO 11
It is clear. That's why you are always thumbed down.
ucoolgirl31 20
192 - how am I deformed?? And how am I a bitch?? 194 - I am not always thumbed down, and sense it is quite clear that you specifically look for my comments you should know that.
XxWolvesBitexX 8
Why don't you just calm down a little. It's not like I asked in a rude way. I just asked what your question had to really do with the manner at hand. Thanks :D!