Slow and Steady

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Reliable

By jobless - 1/12/2015 04:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

By boyfriendless - 10/4/2009 21:07 - United States

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Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

By Leaving Early Fail - 12/1/2009 20:34 - United States

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Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2017 12:00

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

By thatonegirl.SBS. - 29/9/2012 05:38 - United States - El Cajon

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Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

By soldierboy - 30/8/2010 00:39 - United States

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Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

By Funnymann - 22/1/2010 20:51 - United States

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Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

By Shamed - 6/9/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

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Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 19:09 - United States

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Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

By ThatsIncentive - 15/12/2016 01:59 - United States - Granite Bay

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Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

By bubblegummm13 - 27/9/2009 04:30 - Canada

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Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

By argh - 13/3/2010 00:19 - United States

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Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

By Stupidhuman - 13/4/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

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Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

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Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2019 16:03

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Today, it's my birthday and I celebrated with friends. I now have 34 individual copies of the first Twilight movie. FML

By Raptorcake - 15/8/2016 12:50 - Australia - Calwell

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Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

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Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

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479

Today, I went on a coffee date with a man I met online. His "friend" had tagged along. We were having a good conversation, until the friend pulls out his laptop and says, "So let me tell you a little bit about our travel business," and talked about a pyramid scheme for an hour. FML

By Maddi - 4/5/2016 02:55 - United States - Houston

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Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

By frozen solid - 6/1/2014 02:04 - United States - Allentown

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Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2017 21:45 - Canada

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Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/1/2011 01:35 - United States

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Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

By lifesucks - 24/2/2009 19:21 - United States

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Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Landlords are scum

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Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 17:53 - United States

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Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 12:13 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

By Laura - 22/9/2019 12:00 - Paraguay

What's my name?

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105

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

By CALIdime_15 - 5/5/2012 05:42 - United States

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Today, I went skinny-dipping with my best friend. We were on the beach and it was fairly crowded but we got in the water at this really secluded area. While we were swimming I looked up to see a homeless man wearing my clothes, walking away. FML

By cjj325 - 20/3/2009 23:35 - United States

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Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

By laptitesouris - 31/3/2013 23:35 - France - Pertuis

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Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

By itachi desu - 8/6/2018 20:30

Not so wise, eh?

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521

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

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Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

By Anonymouss - 25/6/2015 03:54 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 18:47 - United States

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Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

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Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 20:00

Broken vibrator

1978

243

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/1/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

By Username - 13/2/2011 21:06 - United States

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