By erin - 2/4/2021 10:59

Stranger danger

Today, I saw a girl with the same shirt as me. I excitedly pointed it out. She punched me in the face. I didn’t think people actually got mad about that. FML

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Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The opposite of a good idea

By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By toxic waste - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntingtown

Smooth criminal

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 17:01

Can't feel my tongue

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By WTF, America? - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

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By smellsgood - United States

Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML

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By exalia - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally bought a car, after saving up for a year. My dealer had told me it was a good buy, so I snapped it up then and there. On the way home, the rear axle practically fell out of the car due to frame rot. My dealer wants to buy the car back at half the price. FML

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By Binkplugged

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

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By notsogood - United States

Snoozefest

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

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By Veronica - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

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By captainkevineff - United States

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

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By Ozzie - Australia - Perth

Today, my 81-year-old mother threw out the packaging for a 3-day-old $1,700 monitor I was going to return due to a defect. I live in my own home, but she randomly visits to "clean up" without asking me. Now I'm stuck with an expensive, defective monitor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

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By No O-face - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By littlekellilee - Canada

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

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By Urinator - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

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By MouseChaser - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

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By helpless_soul - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

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By Keisha

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By Snotmyfault - United States

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By Pissssd - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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By infrontofninepeople - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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By carless - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By laywer_man - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

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By ...... - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

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By KitKat20 - United States - Fargo

Today, I got up early for a doctor's appointment and chugged two cups of coffee. Ten minutes before I was supposed to leave, my doctor calls asking to reschedule, which would have been fine had I not cleared my whole day for this appointment. Now I'm too wired to go back to bed. FML

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By Brad - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By wiifantcso - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

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By ThirteenThirteen - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

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By Confused - 23/9/2020 17:01 - Australia - Perth

Suspicious

Today, I texted my boyfriend, asking him to meet me when he finished work. Paranoid as he is, he took this to mean that I wanted to break up with him, and is ghosting me into oblivion. All I wanted was to see him on our 4-year anniversary. FML

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By natalie_sarantos - United States - Marshfield

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

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Top comments

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7983271 - Friday 2 April 2021 15:04

They shouldn't have issue about it. That girl is crazy. Call the cops for assault, cause that's not ok.

By tounces7 | 27

#7983299 - Friday 2 April 2021 17:55

They don't if they want to stay out of prison.

COMMENTS

By kfchicken_fml | 28

#7983237 - Friday 2 April 2021 12:04

they don't she has issues.

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7983271 - Friday 2 April 2021 15:04

They shouldn't have issue about it. That girl is crazy. Call the cops for assault, cause that's not ok.

By cuz803 | 39

#7983278 - Friday 2 April 2021 15:46

Did you duff her right back or press charges for assault? Personally, if someone strikes me for a lousy reason, I attack back until they cry uncle

By tounces7 | 27

#7983299 - Friday 2 April 2021 17:55

They don't if they want to stay out of prison.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7983476 - Saturday 3 April 2021 15:52

That's assault, sista!