Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab...

By Grrr - 20/07/2012 07:58 - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 257

You deserved it 2 063

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

This Charming Man

You tried

By pixiegirl - 08/08/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 815

You deserved it 6 796

By Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 874

You deserved it 441

By confused - 25/01/2015 03:26 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 156

You deserved it 2 955

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 06:00

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 652

You deserved it 207

By asdfasdf - 03/03/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 803

You deserved it 22 487

By Anonymous - 14/04/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 904

You deserved it 8 323

By phant776 - 13/05/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 108

You deserved it 9 259

By ohgawd - 08/10/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 856

You deserved it 2 818

By FrustratedTutor - 04/02/2015 03:39 - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 713

You deserved it 2 810

Boo!

By HauntLife - 21/09/2017 20:00

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 475

You deserved it 199

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 997

You deserved it 3 620

By doctorsandnurses - 13/01/2012 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 654

You deserved it 4 560

By missgayle319 - 15/03/2012 07:53 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 232

You deserved it 12 985

By Lorena - 21/04/2012 19:26 - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 019

You deserved it 3 212

By Seriously? - 06/01/2014 07:17

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 542

You deserved it 6 512

By hitchhiked - 04/01/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 947

You deserved it 85 876

Rejection

By creditwhore - 24/02/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I decided to apply for a credit card to help build up my credit rating. It seemed smart since I'm a 24 year-old college graduate. I was rejected for not having a credit history. Being rejected turns out to hurt your credit history. The irony of my predicament is too great for words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 566

You deserved it 2 873

By Jade - 25/04/2011 13:49 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 268

You deserved it 9 643

By Cress - 11/02/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 234

You deserved it 1 970

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 522

You deserved it 3 852

Dumb question

By Anonymous - 12/05/2020 14:00

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 1 790

By lebanesewoman - 30/06/2009 16:17 - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 935

You deserved it 3 915

By AnonymousLoser - 11/09/2013 09:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 955

You deserved it 3 724

By ellisp1 - 04/07/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 129

You deserved it 464

Whistleblower

By Anonymous - 25/05/2017 04:00

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 742

You deserved it 977

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 816

You deserved it 4 692

Caught

By luckoftheirish - 18/07/2021 11:01

Today, I found out that masturbating on an airplane isn't frowned upon like they say in the movie 'The Hangover'. It's actually illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 206

You deserved it 2 558

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - 17/07/2013 10:06 - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 929

You deserved it 6 654

The Return of the Mullet

By faux ma - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 325

You deserved it 33 191

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 390

You deserved it 2 609

By Paul - 08/08/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 377

You deserved it 2 917

By Tp - 30/06/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 852

You deserved it 28 837

Kids say the dumbest things…

By Marymary - 27/08/2019 20:00

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 253

My brain and I

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 08:00

Today, it’s late and I’m so tired, I’m not even able to read a book anymore, or walk around without bumping into things. Yet apparently, my brain still doesn't consider this a sign that we should fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 65

By Noname - 12/03/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 489

You deserved it 109 982

By Jayne - 29/03/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, my professor called me out in the middle of a lecture to ask why I was bleeding. I then had to explain to him, in front of around one hundred of my fellow classmates, that my largest zit had burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 228

You deserved it 2 813

By Karma - 21/04/2015 16:45 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 175

You deserved it 2 172

By over_protected - 18/01/2010 12:28 - Canada

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 081

You deserved it 2 468

By mn051299 - 10/02/2016 09:09 - Switzerland - Richterswil

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 310

You deserved it 3 729

By walker - 04/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 792

You deserved it 3 801

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Top comments

lonkite101 14

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:57

Put your toenail clippings under the covers in his bed!

SkoomaKi 27

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:59

You see a toenail, I see an ingredient for the next time he/she has a meal >:)

lonkite101 14

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:57

Put your toenail clippings under the covers in his bed!

onlychildFTW 33

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Friday 20 July 2012 20:05

OP that is incredibly gross. You have a gross roommate. But do what 1 said and put them in his bed. It will teach tour roommate a lesson.

TriflingAllDay 6

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:36

I do believe there are times when you clip your toe nails, and they go flying somewhere unknown. However for this reason it should be done outside.

Drigr 9

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:42

Way to assume the room mate is a guy...

Bluekaren16 19

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:50

Put toe jam all over their desk!

lonkite101 14

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:51

41- sorry. I didn't check the gender, and as some men can be gross like that, I assumed a man did it. I wasn't trying to be sexist.

tehcyberman 9

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Saturday 21 July 2012 1:16

40- Who does it outside? Just do it in the bathroom or over a trashcan and be as careful as you can.

onealmxwilson 18

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Saturday 21 July 2012 8:59

Where the Hell do you live where the grass is sharp enough to stab your foot?

MsConfusedd 27

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:57

Clip your toenails and spread them all over your roommates pillow ;)

lonkite101 14

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:10

Sorry 2, I stole your comment by less then a minute ;)

123amanda123 14

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Saturday 21 July 2012 4:12

put it in his orange juice ... he will think its pulp ;)

MsConfusedd 27

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Saturday 21 July 2012 6:18

Hard, flakey, pointy pulp....

k_junebug10 0

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:58

That is so nasty!! Excuse me while I go puke.

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Friday 20 July 2012 22:47

Take your time.

tehcyberman 9

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Friday 20 July 2012 23:20

Do you have some sort of toenail phobia? It's not THAT disgusting.

xblair 11

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Saturday 21 July 2012 5:13

your puke is nastier

theartists 5

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:58

Maybe it was one of your own.

starwind3438 9

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Saturday 21 July 2012 0:38

I would love to hear your explanation on this one 4.

outoftown 26

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Saturday 21 July 2012 1:30

#60, I've done this to myself. *blush* I use the bathtub for clipping, but one of those suckers flew. Got out in bare feet... ouch! Yes, my own bad.

theartists 5

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Saturday 21 July 2012 4:46

60- Right, my bad. Of COURSE she can tell her toenail clippings apart from her roommate's clippings at a glance after brushing it off her foot. I'm just saying, it's possible the clipping was her own.

Irishgypsy 2

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:58

Time for a new roommate. Gross

MsConfusedd 27

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Friday 20 July 2012 20:06

Is finding a toenail clipping on the floor really gross enough to need a new roommate? I think that's a bit extreme

Irishgypsy 2

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Friday 20 July 2012 20:17

Violates the roommate agreement. Haha yes that's gross. It's a lack of respect for others

SkoomaKi 27

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Friday 20 July 2012 18:59

You see a toenail, I see an ingredient for the next time he/she has a meal >:)

TriflingAllDay 6

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Friday 20 July 2012 21:34

A conservist. I approve.

tehcyberman 9

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Friday 20 July 2012 19:35

That's pretty gross. However, before you get revenge, talk to him about it, because it probably wasn't intentional, and tell him to clip them over a trash can or something. That's not an unreasonable request, so i'm sure he'll be fine with it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and put nails in his bed or something to get him back.

tehcyberman 9

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Friday 20 July 2012 20:11

Didn't see OP was a girl, subsitute all the "hims" for "hers". Sorry!

lonkite101 14

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Friday 20 July 2012 22:24

17- that's EXACTLY what happened with my comments lol.

tehcyberman 9

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Friday 20 July 2012 22:59

Hey, everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

loserman67 35

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Friday 20 July 2012 19:37

Who is your roommate, Sasquatch?

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Friday 20 July 2012 22:10

Wolverine.

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Friday 20 July 2012 19:40

No way! I always thought toenail clippings were interior decorations that are always renewable and can be cut down in a few weeks, therefore not nasty. Boy was I wrong.