Miscellaneous: Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned...

By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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Miscellaneous

Doomed

Mr Sensitivity

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By Grubendol - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

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By DefinitelyNotDogshit - United States - Levittown

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By leem - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

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By FellingShitty - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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By notawizard - Spain

Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML

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By chunderful202 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By raerae - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

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By Jimbob - 28/9/2020 17:01 - United States - Austin

Facts, feelings…

Today, I went on a first date. It started out OK, but halfway through he began "debating" me, talking just like Ben Shapiro. I thought he was joking, or at least satirising the worst way you could talk during a date. I was wrong; he was serious. I'm still not sure what set him off, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways in after that. FML

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

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By lunarboy - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By ohhi_itsme123 - United States

Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

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By recordyear - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

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32794

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By JillianJuneBug

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

People have lists?!

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

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By brittrod - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By pitytitty - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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By youjustsuck - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By m0r0n - 20/10/2020 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Cancer sucks

Today, like most days, I awoke from a dream where my hair was long again. This time, it was in the way while I was trying to drink water from a fountain. I lost my hair from chemo; it's slowly growing back. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

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By La Guigne - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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By stupid - Canada

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

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By Nora - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By birthdayfail

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

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By ilovesocks - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

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Top comments

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

COMMENTS

By Catkam623 | 27

#5317953 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:00

Harry potter hope she's a fan

HowieDoIt | 21

#5317986 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:13

Harry potter probably hopes we are all fans...it's his movies after all

Catkam623 | 27

#5317999 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:21

Harry potter :), hope she's a fan?

boofgall | 16

#5318039 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:48

He*, I believe.

rvnclwprfct731 | 13

#5318068 - Thursday 10 January 2013 20:11

I think they were referring to the OP, not Harry Potter.

Clioo_fml | 17

#5318135 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:19

19, the books then? They're not 'his' as you so describe it?

BRLHP | 24

#5318190 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:01

10 points for gryffindor

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318276 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:36

Get a dog and call it collie Creavey or bella-tricks le strange! Or Dobby the Doberman :)

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318289 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:54

I have more :P
Ronweiler, Sirius Black labrador, or for old wizards in general, Gandalf the Greyhound :P

TML329 | 14

#5318396 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:23

Hermione greyhound

FML_Whale | 18

#5318418 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:52

Nah, Hermione would be a cat, I think. In the books she accidentally transformed into a cat, and she had Crookshanks. Hermione just doesn't strike me as a dog.

chilldude69 | 8

#5322287 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

96, one does not simply jump from Harry Potter to Lord Of The Rings.smh

By tacojauns | 45

#5317956 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

That's my favorite too

Cairo_Sanchez | 8

#5318114 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:02

Simple mistake, I'm sure it's not gonna kill the relationship, unless he REALLY loves dogs

MichellinMan | 20

#5318206 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:22

I picture an epic dog, with an epic beard.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5318211 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:28

Hmm...a Labrador with its ears cropped and tail docked!! With Doberman markings. I like the sound of that!!

mystashisgone | 6

#5318336 - Friday 11 January 2013 1:06

I agree 58 I don't see the fml here unless he is really really Indi dogs ;-)

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319069 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:54

122- fair enough. No argument about that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319070 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:57

Plus I'm not a fan of ear cropping as you can tell by my profile picture. :).

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

EsotericBrent | 29

#5318222 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:36

I have a golden who does that too. Still one of the coolest guys I know. Playful, energetic, super friendly, and always wants to hangout. Couldn't ask for a better friend ^.^

ICastillo | 24

#5318306 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:32

Ah yes I've heard Golden Dumbledores are the best of the Dumbledore breed.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5318646 - Friday 11 January 2013 4:54

Please tell me I'm not the only one who pictured a montage of Dumbledore humping things around the castle.

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5317959 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MCRaddict15 | 15

#5318245 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:11

..what?

gracehi | 31

#5318305 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:31

He means he can imagine a Labrador/Doberman mixed-breed dog.

vocaloidtiger | 12

#5318397 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:24

Well, at least I got it...

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

MsConfusedd | 27

#5317992 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:16

Your profile picture fits the fml!!!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5318013 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:31

Just trying to save you guys the trouble of googling it, thought maybe if I used all my resources I could avoid getting my comment buried, but I guess I'm not getting so lucky today. :P