Miscellaneous: Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned...

By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

This is fine

Our House

By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 14:02

Overbearing much?

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

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By minac11 - United States - Brooklyn

I am sorry!

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

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By Chicagoillinois - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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By nooo - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By malicemassacre - 17/1/2021 23:01

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

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By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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By lukas - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

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By trbaby - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

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By Jerry

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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By gimpy - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By fuuu. - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

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By 4am blues - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4am; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

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By Joel_mama - New Zealand

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

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By freakingout - United States - Roslyn

Today, it was my first day back at school. My social anxiety is so bad that I couldn't even raise my hand to use the bathroom because I didn't want people to look at me. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By lisa - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

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By TayTay - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

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By Nottheprettylady - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:58 - Singapore - Singapore

Technologically challenged

Today, during my Zoom PTM my teacher screen-shared his Chrome tab, in which he had opened porn instead of the presentation he had to open, and now mom wants to change my school, where I've been studying in for past 10 years. FML

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By theflasher - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML

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By sopheeah - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

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By pandaface - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By RobinBunny713 - United States

The Force

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

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By syn1734 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me "she has a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So, I hurried home only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML

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By sorry :/ - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By Shep

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

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3041

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By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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By readytomingle - United States

Today, I bought an "I love my boyfriend" t-shirt so people wouldn't think I'm single. I'm very single. FML

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By itsjustnotfair - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had 2 cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

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Top comments

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

COMMENTS

By Catkam623 | 27

#5317953 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:00

Harry potter hope she's a fan

HowieDoIt | 21

#5317986 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:13

Harry potter probably hopes we are all fans...it's his movies after all

Catkam623 | 27

#5317999 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:21

Harry potter :), hope she's a fan?

boofgall | 16

#5318039 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:48

He*, I believe.

rvnclwprfct731 | 13

#5318068 - Thursday 10 January 2013 20:11

I think they were referring to the OP, not Harry Potter.

Clioo_fml | 17

#5318135 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:19

19, the books then? They're not 'his' as you so describe it?

BRLHP | 24

#5318190 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:01

10 points for gryffindor

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318276 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:36

Get a dog and call it collie Creavey or bella-tricks le strange! Or Dobby the Doberman :)

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318289 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:54

I have more :P
Ronweiler, Sirius Black labrador, or for old wizards in general, Gandalf the Greyhound :P

TML329 | 14

#5318396 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:23

Hermione greyhound

FML_Whale | 18

#5318418 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:52

Nah, Hermione would be a cat, I think. In the books she accidentally transformed into a cat, and she had Crookshanks. Hermione just doesn't strike me as a dog.

chilldude69 | 8

#5322287 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

96, one does not simply jump from Harry Potter to Lord Of The Rings.smh

By tacojauns | 45

#5317956 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

That's my favorite too

Cairo_Sanchez | 8

#5318114 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:02

Simple mistake, I'm sure it's not gonna kill the relationship, unless he REALLY loves dogs

MichellinMan | 20

#5318206 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:22

I picture an epic dog, with an epic beard.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5318211 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:28

Hmm...a Labrador with its ears cropped and tail docked!! With Doberman markings. I like the sound of that!!

mystashisgone | 6

#5318336 - Friday 11 January 2013 1:06

I agree 58 I don't see the fml here unless he is really really Indi dogs ;-)

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319069 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:54

122- fair enough. No argument about that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319070 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:57

Plus I'm not a fan of ear cropping as you can tell by my profile picture. :).

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

EsotericBrent | 29

#5318222 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:36

I have a golden who does that too. Still one of the coolest guys I know. Playful, energetic, super friendly, and always wants to hangout. Couldn't ask for a better friend ^.^

ICastillo | 24

#5318306 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:32

Ah yes I've heard Golden Dumbledores are the best of the Dumbledore breed.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5318646 - Friday 11 January 2013 4:54

Please tell me I'm not the only one who pictured a montage of Dumbledore humping things around the castle.

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5317959 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MCRaddict15 | 15

#5318245 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:11

..what?

gracehi | 31

#5318305 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:31

He means he can imagine a Labrador/Doberman mixed-breed dog.

vocaloidtiger | 12

#5318397 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:24

Well, at least I got it...

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

MsConfusedd | 27

#5317992 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:16

Your profile picture fits the fml!!!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5318013 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:31

Just trying to save you guys the trouble of googling it, thought maybe if I used all my resources I could avoid getting my comment buried, but I guess I'm not getting so lucky today. :P