Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned...

By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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Miscellaneous

Incognito browsing

NRA fanboy

Keys, how do they work?

By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By phantomthelabrat - 31/3/2014 12:24 - United States - Fargo

Today, I was assigned to be the one to teach Grandpa how to use his new smartphone. An hour in, and we're still going over volume controls. FML

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By Steve - 13/6/2012 21:30 - United States - Lake Charles

Self-service

Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By go fish - 8/7/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By I'm a moron - 27/5/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By teejayrn - 18/12/2012 10:03

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/12/2014 23:24 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By still laughing - 28/8/2015 21:48 - United States - Providence

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 20:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 11:39 - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

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By Snow-White - 4/7/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2017 13:00

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 20:00 - Spain - Ripollet

Absolute beginners

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By adopted apparently - 23/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 17:46 - United States

Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 23:18 - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By yearbook369 - 25/6/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 06:18 - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

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By sick - 6/10/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 13:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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By RoxMySox - 25/12/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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By whatrights - 12/7/2009 08:59 - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 18:50 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By monochromatic - 20/2/2010 03:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

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By dust - 27/1/2012 06:54 - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

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By OnlyMee - 9/7/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

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By Thanks everyone - 28/8/2013 22:35 - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By huh? - 28/9/2020 05:02 - United States

It is weird

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

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By :( - 27/7/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 09:47 - United States - Tualatin

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

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Top comments

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

COMMENTS

By Catkam623 | 27

#5317953 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:00

Harry potter hope she's a fan

HowieDoIt | 21

#5317986 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:13

Harry potter probably hopes we are all fans...it's his movies after all

Catkam623 | 27

#5317999 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:21

Harry potter :), hope she's a fan?

boofgall | 16

#5318039 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:48

He*, I believe.

rvnclwprfct731 | 13

#5318068 - Thursday 10 January 2013 20:11

I think they were referring to the OP, not Harry Potter.

Clioo_fml | 17

#5318135 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:19

19, the books then? They're not 'his' as you so describe it?

BRLHP | 24

#5318190 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:01

10 points for gryffindor

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318276 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:36

Get a dog and call it collie Creavey or bella-tricks le strange! Or Dobby the Doberman :)

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318289 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:54

I have more :P
Ronweiler, Sirius Black labrador, or for old wizards in general, Gandalf the Greyhound :P

TML329 | 14

#5318396 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:23

Hermione greyhound

FML_Whale | 18

#5318418 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:52

Nah, Hermione would be a cat, I think. In the books she accidentally transformed into a cat, and she had Crookshanks. Hermione just doesn't strike me as a dog.

chilldude69 | 8

#5322287 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

96, one does not simply jump from Harry Potter to Lord Of The Rings.smh

By tacojauns | 45

#5317956 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

That's my favorite too

Cairo_Sanchez | 8

#5318114 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:02

Simple mistake, I'm sure it's not gonna kill the relationship, unless he REALLY loves dogs

MichellinMan | 20

#5318206 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:22

I picture an epic dog, with an epic beard.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5318211 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:28

Hmm...a Labrador with its ears cropped and tail docked!! With Doberman markings. I like the sound of that!!

mystashisgone | 6

#5318336 - Friday 11 January 2013 1:06

I agree 58 I don't see the fml here unless he is really really Indi dogs ;-)

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319069 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:54

122- fair enough. No argument about that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319070 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:57

Plus I'm not a fan of ear cropping as you can tell by my profile picture. :).

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

EsotericBrent | 29

#5318222 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:36

I have a golden who does that too. Still one of the coolest guys I know. Playful, energetic, super friendly, and always wants to hangout. Couldn't ask for a better friend ^.^

ICastillo | 24

#5318306 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:32

Ah yes I've heard Golden Dumbledores are the best of the Dumbledore breed.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5318646 - Friday 11 January 2013 4:54

Please tell me I'm not the only one who pictured a montage of Dumbledore humping things around the castle.

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5317959 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MCRaddict15 | 15

#5318245 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:11

..what?

gracehi | 31

#5318305 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:31

He means he can imagine a Labrador/Doberman mixed-breed dog.

vocaloidtiger | 12

#5318397 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:24

Well, at least I got it...

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

MsConfusedd | 27

#5317992 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:16

Your profile picture fits the fml!!!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5318013 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:31

Just trying to save you guys the trouble of googling it, thought maybe if I used all my resources I could avoid getting my comment buried, but I guess I'm not getting so lucky today. :P