Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned...

By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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Miscellaneous

Body issues

The opposite of a good idea

Assumptions

By kingpig - 2/2/2012 18:00 - Sweden

Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML

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By fatty - 9/6/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 12:32 - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

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By wellthisisbad - 29/2/2016 12:27 - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

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By loving wife - 21/4/2013 10:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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By Bnewlove - 31/7/2013 04:50 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

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By therosalina - 1/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2015 13:39 - United States - Columbus

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Wow. Really? - 29/4/2013 18:07 - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

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By carwife - 21/8/2010 04:13 - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

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By jrad - 8/9/2010 19:23 - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

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By laxguy23 - 21/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

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By hfksorws - 8/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 07:39 - Australia - Balwyn North

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 13:46 - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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By jesspie - 11/1/2013 02:41 - United Kingdom

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 00:01

A Different Kind of Tension

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML

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By Wwiimaniac - 25/6/2012 14:05 - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

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By soontobemurder - 3/5/2017 18:00

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By Etrius - 17/8/2014 15:19 - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By Jebus - 23/1/2009 13:31 - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

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By an unlucky man - 5/8/2016 09:37 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By killercow - 19/4/2011 16:19 - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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By ohmaigawd - 14/9/2011 16:59 - Argentina

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

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By Ryan - 11/6/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By Chard of Glass - 4/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

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By rozziepop - 30/3/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 04:44 - United States - Modesto

Today, the gas company came to connect our stove for free. While here, they broke our hot water heater, shut it off, and issued us a hazard notice. We can fix it, but they won't be able to come back for another two weeks to turn the gas back on. We don't have any hot water until then. FML

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By witt75 - 23/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Its_Sinon - 12/11/2015 08:38 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML

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By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By Scabs - 9/8/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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Top comments

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

Comments

By Catkam623 | 27

#5317953 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:00

Harry potter hope she's a fan

HowieDoIt | 21

#5317986 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:13

Harry potter probably hopes we are all fans...it's his movies after all

Catkam623 | 27

#5317999 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:21

Harry potter :), hope she's a fan?

boofgall | 16

#5318039 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:48

He*, I believe.

rvnclwprfct731 | 13

#5318068 - Thursday 10 January 2013 20:11

I think they were referring to the OP, not Harry Potter.

Clioo_fml | 17

#5318135 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:19

19, the books then? They're not 'his' as you so describe it?

BRLHP | 24

#5318190 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:01

10 points for gryffindor

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318276 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:36

Get a dog and call it collie Creavey or bella-tricks le strange! Or Dobby the Doberman :)

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5318289 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:54

I have more :P
Ronweiler, Sirius Black labrador, or for old wizards in general, Gandalf the Greyhound :P

TML329 | 14

#5318396 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:23

Hermione greyhound

FML_Whale | 18

#5318418 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:52

Nah, Hermione would be a cat, I think. In the books she accidentally transformed into a cat, and she had Crookshanks. Hermione just doesn't strike me as a dog.

chilldude69 | 8

#5322287 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:31

96, one does not simply jump from Harry Potter to Lord Of The Rings.smh

By tacojauns | 45

#5317956 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

That's my favorite too

Cairo_Sanchez | 8

#5318114 - Thursday 10 January 2013 21:02

Simple mistake, I'm sure it's not gonna kill the relationship, unless he REALLY loves dogs

MichellinMan | 20

#5318206 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:22

I picture an epic dog, with an epic beard.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5318211 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:28

Hmm...a Labrador with its ears cropped and tail docked!! With Doberman markings. I like the sound of that!!

mystashisgone | 6

#5318336 - Friday 11 January 2013 1:06

I agree 58 I don't see the fml here unless he is really really Indi dogs ;-)

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319069 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:54

122- fair enough. No argument about that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

KrazieKleo | 13

#5319070 - Friday 11 January 2013 13:57

Plus I'm not a fan of ear cropping as you can tell by my profile picture. :).

By ICastillo | 24

#5317958 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Oh yeah that breed of dog is awesome, very loyal, but they have a bad habit of humping things.

EsotericBrent | 29

#5318222 - Thursday 10 January 2013 22:36

I have a golden who does that too. Still one of the coolest guys I know. Playful, energetic, super friendly, and always wants to hangout. Couldn't ask for a better friend ^.^

ICastillo | 24

#5318306 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:32

Ah yes I've heard Golden Dumbledores are the best of the Dumbledore breed.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5318646 - Friday 11 January 2013 4:54

Please tell me I'm not the only one who pictured a montage of Dumbledore humping things around the castle.

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5317959 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MCRaddict15 | 15

#5318245 - Thursday 10 January 2013 23:11

..what?

gracehi | 31

#5318305 - Friday 11 January 2013 0:31

He means he can imagine a Labrador/Doberman mixed-breed dog.

vocaloidtiger | 12

#5318397 - Friday 11 January 2013 2:24

Well, at least I got it...

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5317960 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:01

I thought the Dumbledore was a breed of goat, with the really long beard and all... The canine version of this would be pretty awesome.

MsConfusedd | 27

#5317992 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:16

Your profile picture fits the fml!!!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#5318013 - Thursday 10 January 2013 19:31

Just trying to save you guys the trouble of googling it, thought maybe if I used all my resources I could avoid getting my comment buried, but I guess I'm not getting so lucky today. :P