Love: Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 46

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

17/10/2015 12:29

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 1 728

Love

Taking stock

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

20/05/2012 18:20

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 3 098

30/10/2009 16:34

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 074

You deserved it 23 325

09/03/2011 01:15

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 713

You deserved it 7 908

Tour de France

By Anonymous - This fml is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 658

You deserved it 26 352

09/04/2011 22:29

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 382

You deserved it 3 017

20/08/2015 17:25

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 989

You deserved it 2 803

12/03/2011 21:11

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 512

You deserved it 6 131

20/10/2015 18:28

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 940

You deserved it 3 691

30/03/2012 03:48

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 360

You deserved it 2 812

15/12/2015 04:50

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 388

You deserved it 6 353

28/11/2009 16:17

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 967

You deserved it 10 573

15/09/2013 19:53

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 632

You deserved it 30 675

17/07/2016 19:23

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 798

You deserved it 1 032

Merry Christmas, or not

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 1 354

09/05/2009 04:43

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 160

You deserved it 273 923

11/06/2014 22:46

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 451

You deserved it 5 717

26/01/2017 10:04

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 031

You deserved it 1 329

24/04/2009 04:38

Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 822

You deserved it 65 306

10/04/2009 07:06

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 809

You deserved it 59 768

04/11/2014 00:00

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 910

You deserved it 5 698

30/06/2019 22:01

Today, I had my first interview after weeks of applying everywhere, but I got turned away for being "inappropriately dressed" for the interview. I was wearing the smartest clothes I own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 562

You deserved it 458

24/12/2009 08:18

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 591

You deserved it 2 421

06/07/2014 18:06

Today, I went on a job interview. The interviewer said it all went well, but he can't hire me because I've got a nose piercing, and that type of "image" isn't the kind they're looking for in their employees. This is the guy who had a full sleeve tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 314

You deserved it 7 957

09/02/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 314

You deserved it 3 093

15/09/2009 13:21

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 670

You deserved it 8 127

Hmmm, twins

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 10:58

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 561

You deserved it 4 120

07/01/2011 09:11

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 650

You deserved it 2 942

01/06/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 331

You deserved it 818

This pandemic is ruining our health in so many ways

By Anonymous - 21/02/2021 20:01

Today, I'm in pretty good physical shape. No, wait, that was two years ago. Now I need to take a break after brushing each quadrant of my teeth because my arm gets tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 576

The geyser

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 23:00

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 233

You deserved it 311

19/08/2012 05:30

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 703

You deserved it 5 916

08/12/2008 07:26

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 869

You deserved it 4 214

18/05/2012 16:05

Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 613

You deserved it 2 450

Still married

By need not know - 19/01/2020 05:00

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 904

You deserved it 213

15/05/2009 02:39

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 675

You deserved it 3 952

03/01/2014 21:50

Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 638

You deserved it 5 478

Felt so bad

By "princessmia" - 13/12/2019 20:00

Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 2 299

Laundry Day

By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 225

You deserved it 1 446

Introverts of the world can relate

By Trooper - This fml is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 287

You deserved it 2 450

31/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 027

You deserved it 209

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Top comments

justcommenting19 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:34

Wait, we're not?

thecodecat 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

That is unfortunate, but maybe you can have fun with it if there is no convincing them other wise.

Comments

Mr_Guy_Dude 17

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

How did you find that out?

friedpwnadge 25

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:55

Maybe it was the cries of "you bastard, you advocate the death of Jews, you sick blonde blue-eyed fiend!" that tipped OP off.

xxkrystalxx 14

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:48

Lol I'm curious too. Like did the coworker just tell her or tell someone else

thecodecat 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

That is unfortunate, but maybe you can have fun with it if there is no convincing them other wise.

thawny_fml 21

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:16

"I've told you I'm not a nazi at least nein times now, if you don't believe me I'll have to report you to the fuehrer"

tantanpanda 26

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Sunday 18 October 2015 22:44

Whenever OP sees her in private, he could raise his hands and salute.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:04

Plot twist, the coworker is the actual Nazi. I did Nazi that coming.

justcommenting19 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:34

Wait, we're not?

BeautifulChaos27 37

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Sunday 18 October 2015 10:52

Shhh! Don't tell them about our secret club!

Autistic_Slut 9

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Friday 11 March 2016 4:57

we must keep the organization a secret

Googolman 29

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:36

I'm wondering how you found that out.

sylvienoir 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:36

Shit, she's onto us.

1bj1234 12

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:40

I bet you did Nazi that coming.

LilMissCanadian 22

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Sunday 18 October 2015 19:40

You forgot "I bet Jew"

RealSuperSand 21

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:48

Wow. The level of stupidity is over 9000.

higgysaurus 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:29

Why did you pick 9000 out of all the numbers you could have picked? I mean even 10k sorta makes sense

brenton490 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:55

Because nein thousand sounds better!

spacefish966 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 10:07

^^^^win

zombiekiller52 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:03

What 9000 that's impossible?!!?

Talonshere 14

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:08

@18 It's a meme. That's why he chose 9000.

9a_1z 12

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Sunday 18 October 2015 17:26

A very old meme, it's shameful, he should hand in his license to meme. All your meme licences are belong to us.

Enkeria 30

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Sunday 18 October 2015 19:01

Apparently #18 has never watched DragonBall Z.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:05

I'd almost say the stupidity is over 6 million.

higgysaurus 18

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Monday 19 October 2015 21:04

#36 shit, my bad

Cads1 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:48

That's the price you pay for being the supreme race..... Apparently.

Tamandua 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:06

Tell her you're Jewish.

higgysaurus 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:34

Why not just tell her "I am not a Nazi"? No sense in lying when telling the truth would be more effective

EvilLittleMan 23

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:08

Wear a KISS shirt...