Love: Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting...

17/10/2015 12:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 1 728

Love

Best teeth in the game

Online classes can be tricky

The virus claims another victim

14/05/2014 15:54 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend saw my boobs for the first time. His reaction was, "Well that's... disappointing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 421

You deserved it 7 349

02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 831

You deserved it 929

27/08/2015 17:44 - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 513

You deserved it 32 423

12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 303

13/07/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 546

You deserved it 8 480

27/06/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 843

You deserved it 80 455

02/02/2012 09:31 - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 125

You deserved it 5 448

15/12/2010 11:57

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 948

You deserved it 8 663

Sobering

By Imnotfromhere - 13/06/2021 16:01

Today, I went to a bar to celebrate my 26th birthday. I got ripped off by the bartender all night because she secretly gave me non-alcoholic versions of my drinks. Apparently I look like I'm 16, so she thought my ID was fake. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 162

10/05/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 870

You deserved it 16 552

23/05/2019 06:05

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 268

You deserved it 214

04/02/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 2 905

What a catch!

By Ethan92 - 29/04/2021 01:59

Today, I had the best time of my life with the girl of my dreams. I took her out to lunch, we went to the beach to jetski and had a romantic walk. It was the perfect day. Then, in the evening, I had to go home to my boring wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 235

You deserved it 3 843

Hi how are you?

By KereKris - 17/06/2020 14:05

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 389

14/08/2013 06:41 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 070

You deserved it 3 916

31/05/2012 20:53 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 572

You deserved it 44 363

Go to a doctor

By norelaxtime - 20/04/2021 08:00 - United States - Lexington

Today, I spent all day on the toilet trying to pee and when I did, very little would come out. I would stand up, sit on the couch then go back to the toilet. I have been going to the bathroom around 30 times, including last night trying to fall asleep. Worst day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 71

Issues

By Anonymous - 04/06/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 143

18/11/2014 03:10 - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 207

You deserved it 2 750

11/08/2011 05:53 - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 099

You deserved it 56 682

07/08/2019 02:00

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 069

You deserved it 107

14/02/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 969

You deserved it 53 031

25/06/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 541

You deserved it 27 458

14/11/2013 15:17 - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 553

You deserved it 3 327

31/08/2012 07:16 - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 305

You deserved it 5 401

18/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 9 370

07/06/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 129

You deserved it 6 671

15/06/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 573

You deserved it 7 302

17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 571

You deserved it 6 040

05/07/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 128

You deserved it 4 299

30/01/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 085

You deserved it 5 124

06/09/2013 21:42 - United States - Boston

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 984

You deserved it 4 424

Unwanted guest

By MMM - 21/01/2014 23:26 - United States - Saco

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 399

You deserved it 11 426

24/09/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 117

You deserved it 1 554

30/01/2015 02:50 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 051

You deserved it 2 222

10/08/2014 17:24 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, my mother kicked me out of the house because her new boyfriend needs my room. Evidently he also needs my credit card, passport, and wallet too, because she kept all three, while tossing everything else out on the lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 992

You deserved it 3 212

03/09/2017 07:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 018

You deserved it 328

10/06/2015 17:55 - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 558

You deserved it 2 119

12/01/2010 03:40 - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 4 245

13/07/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 449

You deserved it 59 618

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Top comments

justcommenting19 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:34

Wait, we're not?

thecodecat 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

That is unfortunate, but maybe you can have fun with it if there is no convincing them other wise.

Mr_Guy_Dude 17

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

How did you find that out?

friedpwnadge 25

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:55

Maybe it was the cries of "you bastard, you advocate the death of Jews, you sick blonde blue-eyed fiend!" that tipped OP off.

xxkrystalxx 14

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:48

Lol I'm curious too. Like did the coworker just tell her or tell someone else

thecodecat 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:33

That is unfortunate, but maybe you can have fun with it if there is no convincing them other wise.

thawny_fml 21

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:16

"I've told you I'm not a nazi at least nein times now, if you don't believe me I'll have to report you to the fuehrer"

tantanpanda 26

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Sunday 18 October 2015 22:44

Whenever OP sees her in private, he could raise his hands and salute.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:04

Plot twist, the coworker is the actual Nazi. I did Nazi that coming.

justcommenting19 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:34

Wait, we're not?

BeautifulChaos27 37

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Sunday 18 October 2015 10:52

Shhh! Don't tell them about our secret club!

Autistic_Slut 9

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Friday 11 March 2016 4:57

we must keep the organization a secret

Googolman 29

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:36

I'm wondering how you found that out.

sylvienoir 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:36

Shit, she's onto us.

1bj1234 12

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:40

I bet you did Nazi that coming.

LilMissCanadian 22

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Sunday 18 October 2015 19:40

You forgot "I bet Jew"

RealSuperSand 21

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:48

Wow. The level of stupidity is over 9000.

higgysaurus 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:29

Why did you pick 9000 out of all the numbers you could have picked? I mean even 10k sorta makes sense

brenton490 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:55

Because nein thousand sounds better!

spacefish966 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 10:07

^^^^win

zombiekiller52 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:03

What 9000 that's impossible?!!?

Talonshere 14

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Sunday 18 October 2015 12:08

@18 It's a meme. That's why he chose 9000.

9a_1z 12

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Sunday 18 October 2015 17:26

A very old meme, it's shameful, he should hand in his license to meme. All your meme licences are belong to us.

Enkeria 30

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Sunday 18 October 2015 19:01

Apparently #18 has never watched DragonBall Z.

Lalala579121 27

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Sunday 18 October 2015 23:05

I'd almost say the stupidity is over 6 million.

higgysaurus 18

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Monday 19 October 2015 21:04

#36 shit, my bad

Cads1 24

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Sunday 18 October 2015 6:48

That's the price you pay for being the supreme race..... Apparently.

Tamandua 19

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:06

Tell her you're Jewish.

higgysaurus 18

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:34

Why not just tell her "I am not a Nazi"? No sense in lying when telling the truth would be more effective

EvilLittleMan 23

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Sunday 18 October 2015 7:08

Wear a KISS shirt...

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 97

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 130

Sobering

What a catch!

Hi how are you?

Go to a doctor

Issues

Unwanted guest

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