Animals: Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

The geyser

Stress level: 2020

By denise - United States

Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my best friend get married to the guy I have been in love with since the 8th grade. I was the maid of honor, and had to give a toast to the couple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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By bunkbed - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

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By theflow - Australia - Perth

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

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By mrtut - United Kingdom

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

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By Son of a Bitch - United States

Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By Mandy - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth $846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost $800 to fix. FML

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By facebookdeception - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that the girl on Facebook that helped me out of my sadness after my break-up and who I'd hopelessly fallen in love with was just a prank by my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By JDLAX1924 - United States

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

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By Unluckyducky - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML

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By vreenya - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

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By rhcpgurl - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2020 20:00

I keep mine hidden

Today, while my girlfriend is in hospital, I'm left at home with her mom. What I didn't know is that her mom's medication makes her do strange things. I learned that right away when she took a seat next to me, completely naked, on the couch. My girlfriend's mom is my grandmother's age. FML

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By Crash - United States

Beep beep

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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By dana - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

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By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By gaggin - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By paradox - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

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By crazystar69 - United States

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By logkitty - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gun point, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By PictureLess - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By gorey - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

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By fuckina - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

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By sweet_stufz - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By chichi - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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By traumatizedforlife - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

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Top comments

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

COMMENTS

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

Reply

ACanadaGuy | 0

#2023677 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:36

Why would you pay 1,400 for a dog from a puppy mill when you could just get one from a shelter? YDI for that and not making sure the dog was secure.

Reply

hellryu | 20

#5774443 - Sunday 1 December 2013 14:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#6055568 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 16:09

Wow. God Forbid you should ever get into a horrible accident and are unable to form any new relationships because no woman could stand seeing your 'abused body'. What a shallow, shallow person.

By beechy1996 | 0

#101863 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

I wouldnt leave my dog alone if it was tied up!!!

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3406226 - Saturday 8 October 2011 21:20

I wouldn't buy a dog for that much. You can help out a dog at the pound for three times cheaper.

Reply

finalyearsofhate | 22

#5685170 - Monday 23 September 2013 0:48

A lot less than a third of that.. The shelter I volunteer for charges 55 for a dog, 110 for a puppy, and that includes altering, shots, microchip, etc. Irresponsible people like OP shouldn't have dogs in the first place.

By AnneFTW | 17

#101864 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

OMG that sucks! LOL

Reply

bacon_lover100 | 11

#5819875 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 18:09

You're an asshole

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

Reply

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6427330 - Monday 5 October 2015 8:10

Oh crap, I left the baby on the train!

By Mnemic | 5

#101873 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:12

I would have kept the dog inside the house. Also then you can check if he's housetrained or not. ;)

By Jasper_fml | 0

#101876 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:17

why the fuck did you leave a $1,400 golden retriever in your back yard? you deserved it, asshole.
and why would you BUY a dog when there are so many DYING IN THE STREETS?

Reply

iJasper | 8

#2877857 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:13

-.-

By hk_fml | 9

#101878 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:18

wow
over a thousand dollars for a dog. D:
And then you fucking lost it!

That was really stupid, leaving the expensive dog out!

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#101880 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:21

If i get a new dog, i wouldn't leave the house for a week. You supposed to get them used to you. YDI!

By plethora | 3

#101894 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:40

Lesson learned: Don't buy a pet without checking that your house and yard are secure enough for it. And don't spend 1400 on a dog, FFS!

YDI.

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#4702019 - Wednesday 18 July 2012 1:11

Fail

By blland | 0

#101902 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:57

stolen?