Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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Tense

Fake News

Not gonna happen

By gagus123 - 12/11/2019 14:00

Karma sucks

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 06:15 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

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By - 13/1/2020 18:00

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

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By Mirroronthewall - 30/8/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

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By EpicBunBun - 10/5/2017 18:00

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, I thought he went to change the music on his phone. He had stopped mid-action just to check sports scores. FML

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By not even interested - 15/10/2017 16:00

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By BackToRehab - 26/2/2011 21:53 - Canada

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

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By awkwardturtle - 25/1/2013 05:31 - Canada - London

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

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By splooge - 28/1/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By dumbdad - 28/12/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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By michael - 17/7/2019 12:07

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By Username - 9/2/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

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By tomandjerry - 21/5/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was scolding my 8 year old son because he was getting bad grades in school. I told him that he should get straight A's like his friend Ceejay. He told me that comparing him to Ceejay was unfair and when I asked why he said, "Because his dad is actually smart." FML

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By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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By coolcat10156 - 8/7/2015 07:04 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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By airbiscuit - 21/1/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

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By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By sarah - 19/10/2011 19:36 - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By Andrew - 29/6/2009 10:31 - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By Raw - 25/1/2017 14:00

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

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By Username - 16/9/2010 23:27 - France

Today, I decided to dye my hair to freshen up my appearance. I asked my husband for his opinion, expecting him to recommend a color. He then asked me why going on a diet wasn't my first option. FML

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By John W. - 12/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

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By dateless - 21/9/2012 11:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML

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By Goki - 6/6/2009 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2014 02:43 - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

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By kezbabes - 3/5/2014 18:15 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 02:00

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

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By cnkk07 - 14/10/2011 10:36 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By bigdaddy - 16/7/2009 03:53 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By no_hullabalo - 4/9/2009 14:50 - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By ayye_its_nikki - 19/12/2012 05:07 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

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By sales ham - 6/3/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I was reciting lines for a play that I'm in. It was going great, until I realized that I was actually reciting my scripted sales pitch from my telemarketing job. FML

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Top comments

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

COMMENTS

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

Reply

ACanadaGuy | 0

#2023677 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:36

Why would you pay 1,400 for a dog from a puppy mill when you could just get one from a shelter? YDI for that and not making sure the dog was secure.

Reply

hellryu | 20

#5774443 - Sunday 1 December 2013 14:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#6055568 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 16:09

Wow. God Forbid you should ever get into a horrible accident and are unable to form any new relationships because no woman could stand seeing your 'abused body'. What a shallow, shallow person.

By beechy1996 | 0

#101863 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

I wouldnt leave my dog alone if it was tied up!!!

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3406226 - Saturday 8 October 2011 21:20

I wouldn't buy a dog for that much. You can help out a dog at the pound for three times cheaper.

Reply

finalyearsofhate | 22

#5685170 - Monday 23 September 2013 0:48

A lot less than a third of that.. The shelter I volunteer for charges 55 for a dog, 110 for a puppy, and that includes altering, shots, microchip, etc. Irresponsible people like OP shouldn't have dogs in the first place.

By AnneFTW | 17

#101864 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

OMG that sucks! LOL

Reply

bacon_lover100 | 11

#5819875 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 18:09

You're an asshole

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

Reply

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6427330 - Monday 5 October 2015 8:10

Oh crap, I left the baby on the train!

By Mnemic | 5

#101873 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:12

I would have kept the dog inside the house. Also then you can check if he's housetrained or not. ;)

By Jasper_fml | 0

#101876 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:17

why the fuck did you leave a $1,400 golden retriever in your back yard? you deserved it, asshole.
and why would you BUY a dog when there are so many DYING IN THE STREETS?

Reply

iJasper | 8

#2877857 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:13

-.-

By hk_fml | 9

#101878 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:18

wow
over a thousand dollars for a dog. D:
And then you fucking lost it!

That was really stupid, leaving the expensive dog out!

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#101880 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:21

If i get a new dog, i wouldn't leave the house for a week. You supposed to get them used to you. YDI!

By plethora | 3

#101894 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:40

Lesson learned: Don't buy a pet without checking that your house and yard are secure enough for it. And don't spend 1400 on a dog, FFS!

YDI.

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#4702019 - Wednesday 18 July 2012 1:11

Fail

By blland | 0

#101902 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:57

stolen?