Animals: Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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Mother of the year

Sorry…

Christine

By etmerda - United States

Today, I walked around town by myself for four hours because I was too ashamed to tell my parents that I have no friends willing to spend time with me. FML

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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By Juanna - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

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By … - United States

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

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By anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By Jinthebar - United States

Get away from me

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

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By Safe - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I learned the hard way that leaving eye drops in your car all day makes them scorching hot. FML

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By mpsteve137 - United States - Acworth

Apologetic

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By Pineapple does go on pizza

Overkill or fair?

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

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By meeks123 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

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By MALICEG - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

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By Chris Chandler

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By superfkd - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

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By notexactly - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

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By Shower? - France

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

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By almost governmental - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Coming or going

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

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By tamralee

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By gallstones - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my boyfriend got surgery on his gallbladder because he had big gallstones. After they were removed, he was still a little out of it from the morphine. He gave the gallstones to me for my birthday. Better still, his mom suggested I make a necklace out of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

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By This_Is_Me1982 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

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By AtheistLookingforRoomie

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

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By dating a fucking idiot - United States

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

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By boinger - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

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By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By thanksfamily - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

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By DogDays

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

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By WOWBear - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By jdch_99 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By jezebel - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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Top comments

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

COMMENTS

By YDIlover | 0

#101856 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:02

Why didn't you tie it up? If it was a new pet, you don't know how it's going to react. YDI for not making sure it was secure!

Reply

ACanadaGuy | 0

#2023677 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:36

Why would you pay 1,400 for a dog from a puppy mill when you could just get one from a shelter? YDI for that and not making sure the dog was secure.

Reply

hellryu | 20

#5774443 - Sunday 1 December 2013 14:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#6055568 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 16:09

Wow. God Forbid you should ever get into a horrible accident and are unable to form any new relationships because no woman could stand seeing your 'abused body'. What a shallow, shallow person.

By beechy1996 | 0

#101863 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

I wouldnt leave my dog alone if it was tied up!!!

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3406226 - Saturday 8 October 2011 21:20

I wouldn't buy a dog for that much. You can help out a dog at the pound for three times cheaper.

Reply

finalyearsofhate | 22

#5685170 - Monday 23 September 2013 0:48

A lot less than a third of that.. The shelter I volunteer for charges 55 for a dog, 110 for a puppy, and that includes altering, shots, microchip, etc. Irresponsible people like OP shouldn't have dogs in the first place.

By AnneFTW | 17

#101864 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:05

OMG that sucks! LOL

Reply

bacon_lover100 | 11

#5819875 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 18:09

You're an asshole

By 4percent | 0

#101869 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

dont have kids, please
you cant even take care of a dog...

Reply

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6427330 - Monday 5 October 2015 8:10

Oh crap, I left the baby on the train!

By Mnemic | 5

#101873 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:12

I would have kept the dog inside the house. Also then you can check if he's housetrained or not. ;)

By Jasper_fml | 0

#101876 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:17

why the fuck did you leave a $1,400 golden retriever in your back yard? you deserved it, asshole.
and why would you BUY a dog when there are so many DYING IN THE STREETS?

Reply

iJasper | 8

#2877857 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:13

-.-

By hk_fml | 9

#101878 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:18

wow
over a thousand dollars for a dog. D:
And then you fucking lost it!

That was really stupid, leaving the expensive dog out!

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#101880 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:21

If i get a new dog, i wouldn't leave the house for a week. You supposed to get them used to you. YDI!

By plethora | 3

#101894 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:40

Lesson learned: Don't buy a pet without checking that your house and yard are secure enough for it. And don't spend 1400 on a dog, FFS!

YDI.

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#4702019 - Wednesday 18 July 2012 1:11

Fail

By blland | 0

#101902 - Saturday 11 April 2009 12:57

stolen?