Health: Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me... - FML

By masterdisaster - 11/04/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 695

You deserved it 19 474

Another great day to be alive

Empathy lives

Late term

By elcee1987 - 06/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 261

By Wutdafuqq - 23/02/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 3 249

By fabiennemorin35 - 30/08/2016 09:29 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 154

You deserved it 1 481

By SariLone - 19/05/2013 18:02 - India - Mumbai

Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 907

You deserved it 8 663

By married to a nerd - 07/06/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 3 903

By Neverthebride - 22/05/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 536

You deserved it 3 807

By BahHumbug - 27/12/2015 05:18 - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 927

You deserved it 7 834

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 609

You deserved it 8 772

By OfficeFatty - 30/10/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 671

You deserved it 4 963

By thanksmom - 30/04/2011 01:00 - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 865

You deserved it 3 201

By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 166

You deserved it 5 134

By girlsx2mom - 31/08/2011 06:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 600

You deserved it 7 843

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 487

You deserved it 5 078

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 04:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 706

You deserved it 13 146

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 442

You deserved it 39 259

By Squid - 21/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 568

You deserved it 3 000

Cruel Summer

By placard3 - 02/10/2019 20:02

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 17/11/2008 08:53 - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 526

You deserved it 8 262

By notexactly - 29/12/2009 00:48 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 941

You deserved it 3 288

Underperforming

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/01/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 217

You deserved it 137

Felt cute

By dieana - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 258

You deserved it 9 674

Tattoos are for life

By Anonymous - 08/10/2021 11:01

Today, my husband cried more at the funeral of his tattoo artist than he did at his grandmother's funeral. Seriously, at the artist's funeral, he was crying; at his grandmother's, he kept checking the time on his phone and yawning. What man did I marry? FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 283

By Kayak - 29/12/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 404

You deserved it 4 470

By milf - 06/08/2012 01:10 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 115

You deserved it 5 218

By Anonymous - 06/04/2014 18:09 - United States - Lakeland

Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 141

You deserved it 5 690

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 893

You deserved it 56 361

By whatafuckhead - 23/11/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 314

You deserved it 4 864

By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 907

You deserved it 8 157

By Anonymous - 13/08/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 540

You deserved it 3 436

The classic argument

By assault and imnotracistbuttery - 18/04/2015 04:57 - United States - Waxahachie

Spicy

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 155

You deserved it 3 007

Long haul

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 20:01

Today, my flight from China to Moscow arrived late, making me miss my next transfer flight back home to Ireland. I had to wait for 24 hours for the next flight, without food vouchers, without a free hotel room, and without a free plane ticket that the airport was suppose to give. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 79

By TwinDad - 14/05/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 974

You deserved it 6 464

By luckycharmed - 17/06/2014 17:34 - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 663

You deserved it 4 375

By boo - 27/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 684

You deserved it 7 394

By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - 06/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 616

You deserved it 7 699

By fedemere - 28/05/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 855

You deserved it 4 649

Meddling

By sotter42 - 20/07/2020 17:01

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 135

By lovewedge - 09/03/2009 00:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 896

You deserved it 23 490

By Nick - 08/07/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 367

You deserved it 11 744

By hellolaina - 27/06/2016 16:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 870

You deserved it 1 368

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:17

How does someone who's mentally unfit get a licence to an assault rifle. I'd change jobs! He'll be baaack

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:14

Uh oh... he will now come back for sure! :-o Run! Btw, how did the customer react on your joke?

Comments

dz_zb 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:10

ahah, never assume that anyone is sane. FIRST.

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:14

Uh oh... he will now come back for sure! :-o Run! Btw, how did the customer react on your joke?

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:17

How does someone who's mentally unfit get a licence to an assault rifle. I'd change jobs! He'll be baaack

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Sunday 21 February 2010 4:41

I'll tell you how: he lives in South Carolina. 'nuff said.

OwenMcAwesome 0

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:03

Exactly, cuz eceryone there mentally unfit.

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Thursday 24 March 2011 0:08

no he lives in america. you practically have shotgun vending machines

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Monday 2 May 2011 17:23

r u kidding me! really. afyer 911 u cant do anything. go ahead say the steriotypes but at least we dont give up in wars. btw today we just found and killed osama bin ladden!

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Friday 20 May 2011 22:35

I live in South Carolina. One of my best friends got a full ride to Stanford. So how 'bout you not make generalizations?

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Sunday 14 August 2011 15:30

75 you said "bout"... Redneck

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Sunday 14 August 2011 15:30

75 you said "bout"... Redneck

capslockisgood 19

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Tuesday 4 September 2012 4:36

I think 65 meant that many people are allowed to carry guns in South Carolina..

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Monday 17 August 2015 2:10

'Murica, that's how. NRA wants everyone to have guns. For 'safety'.

H4H 15

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Friday 1 July 2016 22:46

Yeah, I think it's just a bluff

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Saturday 11 April 2009 12:30

He`ll be back.

1Tsk 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 13:01

I'd get a kevlar if I were you

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Monday 23 August 2010 8:24

I'd get life insurance if I were you I never really understood why people would want money if they died when your dead nothing matters, unless your a damn creationist

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Saturday 28 February 2015 17:06

Life insurance money is to help your family out with your expenses ex. Coffin, cremation, tombstone

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Saturday 11 April 2009 13:42

Wow, I guess you're going to be first when he does now too. FYL indeed.

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Saturday 11 April 2009 13:49

Am I the only person who read this and thought: "Ha, OP's gonna die." ? Good luck OP. Also; I agree with #1. That's a fairly cool statement actually. Mind if I use that? I reckon it's a FML cause you were just being social/friendly. Unlucky on who you chose to be social towards though ^_^

H4H 15

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Friday 1 July 2016 22:47

No, I didn't find it humorous that OP is going to die

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Saturday 11 April 2009 14:02

Be careful.

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Saturday 11 April 2009 14:15

Agreed with #6, you'll be first. Oops :(.

LuckyCharms_fml 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 14:20

Haha nope #7 I did too Invest in running shoes...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 60

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 42