Intimacy: Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to... - FML

By Ballhugger - 06/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 452

You deserved it 11 089

There's no helping some people

Smell test

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 31/01/2011 17:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 917

You deserved it 4 019

By fattypatty - 20/02/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 956

You deserved it 2 263

By broke4life - 28/10/2015 22:16

Today, my boyfriend called me to ask if I knew the serial number for my laptop. I had given him my $650 gaming laptop to sell in his electronics store because I didn't need it and could use the money. Apparently it was stolen at some point yesterday and his cameras were turned off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 343

You deserved it 1 908

Facebook's moderation sucks

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 07:01 - United States - Afton

Today, I got put in Facebook jail for telling a guy fat shaming a girl he was a "s*x*st b*st*rd." Immediately after, FB informed me that a person I reported for threats didn't violate community standards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 293

By BondingTime - 17/03/2014 09:51 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 967

You deserved it 4 105

Today, on Judge Judy…

By grieving - 05/07/2021 12:01 - Australia

Today, my grandpa died suddenly. About a month ago, he gifted me a few thousand dollars to buy a used car. My uncle is now demanding I return it, saying I can't prove that my grandfather agreed to it, and that he wants his rightful share of the inheritance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 38

By Brooke - 14/08/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 708

You deserved it 2 332

By scared for life - 29/01/2012 16:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 007

You deserved it 2 530

Demon child

By never again! - 22/06/2021 02:01

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was acting up, so instead of spanking him, I put him in the corner for timeout. He screamed and thrashed and kicked the walls so hard my neighbors called the police. My sister wasn’t answering her phone, and I had to explain why a 7-year-old was acting like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 92

By McFizzy321 - 13/12/2012 03:43 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 815

You deserved it 5 499

By bet a woman would've been thanked - 07/05/2013 20:21 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 035

You deserved it 3 092

By jailbirdlove - 11/10/2010 01:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 601

You deserved it 4 257

By patate - 02/05/2017 20:00

Today, I was yelled at and almost fired for showing up "late" to work. I was the first one here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 733

You deserved it 317

By sorry dawg - 29/08/2019 20:00

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 695

You deserved it 296

By Anonymous - 05/05/2014 21:03 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 119

You deserved it 18 309

By anonymous - 26/06/2016 20:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sick, so I went into work to see if I could get my shift covered, instead of just calling in. I ended up working an extra hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 544

You deserved it 3 331

By Girl - 17/03/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 601

You deserved it 5 112

By AHole - 21/11/2012 14:03 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 804

You deserved it 75 512

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 144

You deserved it 3 365

By thatstinks - 07/04/2011 03:12 - Iceland

Today, I finally found out what the weird sour smell that's been in my dorm room for a while is. My roommate's sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 437

You deserved it 2 957

Make it rain

By howler - 15/02/2011 06:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 275

You deserved it 64 525

Le Epic Bacon

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 21:30

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 1 169

By funnyguyNOT - 05/04/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 267

You deserved it 284 687

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 628

You deserved it 3 164

By Anonymous - 09/11/2010 11:13 - India

Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 854

You deserved it 6 027

Assumptions

By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 240

Looking good

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 23:01

Today, I was at a grocery store buying ice cream after the tragedy of losing my grandma. When I got to the cash register, the cashier saw the sadness in my eyes and said, "It's OK, you'll find the one someday, one that can look at your inner beauty and not care about the rest." He thought I'd got broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:15 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 1 636

By creepyyy - 17/05/2014 16:54 - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 336

You deserved it 9 918

By girlymae - 27/02/2013 07:59 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 419

You deserved it 23 959

By Tuture - 30/04/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 539

You deserved it 2 511

By chi_chia - 24/03/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 801

You deserved it 4 922

We got a reader!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2012 05:18 - United States - Hobbs

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 589

You deserved it 3 768

By spartanson - 28/04/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 327

You deserved it 4 206

By Anonymous - 31/08/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 096

You deserved it 131

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 20:03 - Australia

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 3 212

By Bo - 22/04/2009 13:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. The girl I'm madly in love with referred to me as her 'Gay Friend.' She refused to kiss me in Spin-the-Bottle as 'She didn't want to do anything with anyone that night'. She then made out, and slept with, my 'best friend' whom she had never met before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 264

You deserved it 6 663

By Kaluhaluha - 25/08/2018 13:00

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 561

You deserved it 214

By Pseudo - 21/06/2016 05:33 - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 253

You deserved it 1 525

By SucksToBeMe - 28/09/2009 18:31 - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 494

You deserved it 118 001

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Top comments

hXcsoccerplaya 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:40

those nightmares must suck balls! heh heh

perdix 29

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:50

Whatever you do, don't go see "The Nutcracker!" You'll have another nightmare and completely crush your 'nads!

Comments

hXcsoccerplaya 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:40

those nightmares must suck balls! heh heh

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Monday 7 December 2009 20:20

Win

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Thursday 18 February 2010 14:04

why the hell did you have your hands in your pants

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Wednesday 24 February 2010 8:07

This is painful to read. I usually wake up with my hands down my pants and a wet stain.

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Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:04

are you even human to need to ask why someone would have their hands down their pants?

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Monday 3 May 2010 2:42

u walk with a limp. cuz ur an old school PIMP

MetallicaRules19 4

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Sunday 19 September 2010 6:46

well i guess then that must be (puts on sunglasses) a pain in the balls

ddlovatolover 23

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:08

OP merely squeezed his walking stress balls! Those things follow him wherever he goes!

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:41

a bit extreme isnt it

ddlovatolover 23

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Tuesday 8 October 2013 11:09

Male genitalia, the new stress balls to squeeze.

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

Oh...damn.... That's horrible... FYL

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Friday 28 May 2010 4:36

eeeeugghhhh gave me the shivers!!!!

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

Ouch, no sexy time for you, huh?

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:44

thats got to hurt but why did u go to sleep with ur hands in your pants.??!?!?!?!?!!

marc_with_a_c 3

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Monday 7 December 2009 3:34

Yeah.. that! why?! are you so boring when you play with yourself that you fell asleep doing it? no wonder you don't get laid ;p

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:14

Why is everyone so confused about his hand being down this pants? Either his hand was cold (your crotch is like, the warmest part of your body) or he was really tired while jacking off and fell asleep in the middle of it (I'm a chick and it happens to me, and it's happened to my boyfriend, it's not that weird, it happens when you're really effin' tired), or he jacked off and didn't move his hand right away and fell asleep. OR he had and itch and didn't totally move his hand? Orrr he's like me and occasionally just sticks his hands down there because it's comfy and warm.

gods_hunter10 0

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Tuesday 9 February 2010 6:38

number38 can we be friends? :)

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Sunday 14 February 2010 8:21

Yeah I'm pretty sure I want to be friends with 38 as well =)

cea99 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 23:02

Obivously he was jerkin off

perdix 29

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:50

Whatever you do, don't go see "The Nutcracker!" You'll have another nightmare and completely crush your 'nads!

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 12:32

win

somepartsareme 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:53

...

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Monday 7 December 2009 12:32

Fail...

xFattyxWhalex 0

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Monday 7 December 2009 20:06

thats what he did grab, dumbass.

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Tuesday 8 December 2009 1:27

i think "Somepartsareme" was trying to imply that the OP did not use the messed up phrase "Happy sacs" and instead used the word "Scrotum".....

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Monday 17 January 2011 9:28

you are how old #7?

TheLoneWolf87 4

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:54

or your snow globes

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Monday 7 December 2009 2:57

ydi for being a filthy male

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Monday 7 December 2009 3:01

ouch that must ha- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DID YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS IN YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU FELL ASLEEP?!?!?!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 295