Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to... - FML

By Ballhugger - 6/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29389

You deserved it

11049

Tweet

Share

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Ghosted

Hello everyone!

By happyasaclam - 19/2/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38910

You deserved it

5984

Tweet

Share

By Pepe - 16/11/2008 05:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33424

You deserved it

7785

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9557

You deserved it

53976

Tweet

Share

By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48509

You deserved it

15100

Tweet

Share

By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

693

You deserved it

2045

Tweet

Share

By yerface - 13/2/2009 03:52 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40621

You deserved it

8645

Tweet

Share

By Oihana - 1/8/2015 03:30 - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29274

You deserved it

1992

Tweet

Share

By newlydumped - 21/9/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9610

You deserved it

64228

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48588

You deserved it

6585

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 17:48 - United States - Wittmann

Today, I'm on vacation and stupidly bought the cheapest sunblock I could find. Instead of protecting my skin, the sunblock acted as a damn lightning rod for the sun, and I now look like I just spent a few hours on a spit-roast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16459

You deserved it

8592

Tweet

Share

By Fauxgeek - 28/6/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13268

You deserved it

3336

Tweet

Share

By qourt - 14/2/2019 15:34 - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24277

You deserved it

2251

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 03:00

She missed everything

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

1412

You deserved it

217

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18220

You deserved it

43552

Tweet

Share

By badplacerightnow - 13/10/2014 14:15 - United States - Frisco

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45818

You deserved it

9157

Tweet

Share

By Emmy - 2/10/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35221

You deserved it

3339

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 06:00

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It's been 3 hours straight now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36967

You deserved it

8884

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/9/2014 15:28 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53972

You deserved it

14011

Tweet

Share

By robzzz - 16/2/2012 07:13 - Canada

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32472

You deserved it

3799

Tweet

Share

By ctop - 13/5/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39317

You deserved it

8386

Tweet

Share

By letsloseweight - 13/7/2009 11:30 - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27223

You deserved it

45129

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:59 - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29031

You deserved it

2910

Tweet

Share

By Alanis - 21/7/2012 01:59 - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25343

You deserved it

3904

Tweet

Share

By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34367

You deserved it

3172

Tweet

Share

By PigPen - 27/9/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31080

You deserved it

10722

Tweet

Share

By jj - 7/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36970

You deserved it

3346

Tweet

Share

By PlayboyBunny - 19/2/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33457

You deserved it

8609

Tweet

Share

By bumblebee - 14/9/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54897

You deserved it

3694

Tweet

Share

By Cali girl - 3/4/2014 16:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40078

You deserved it

7517

Tweet

Share

By Chelsea - 27/2/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32822

You deserved it

2648

Tweet

Share

By anthony - 25/11/2015 12:32 - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks

28033

You deserved it

1855

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 20:58 - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26802

You deserved it

9212

Tweet

Share

By welp - 22/5/2016 20:22 - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11985

You deserved it

1146

Tweet

Share

By hantavirus - 26/8/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58767

You deserved it

11342

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27850

You deserved it

5989

Tweet

Share

By Weddingbelles - 12/9/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13145

You deserved it

760

Tweet

Share

By Lawrence - 6/8/2009 04:55 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike to the local grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner. On the way down, traveling down a hill, I hit a drain with no lid. I went to grab hold of the nearest object to soften my fall. That nearest object was a barbed wire fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51535

You deserved it

3679

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54525

You deserved it

3962

Tweet

Share

By katara - 2/7/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9935

You deserved it

57057

Tweet

Share

By Misunderstood - 8/2/2009 05:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36856

You deserved it

11533

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#707970 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:40

those nightmares must suck balls! heh heh

By perdix | 29

#707989 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:50

Whatever you do, don't go see "The Nutcracker!" You'll have another nightmare and completely crush your 'nads!

Comments

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#707970 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:40

those nightmares must suck balls! heh heh

Reply

Kingdutch | 3

#708986 - Monday 7 December 2009 20:20

Win

Reply

canesul | 0

#868764 - Thursday 18 February 2010 14:04

why the hell did you have your hands in your pants

Reply

icall_BS | 0

#887975 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 8:07

This is painful to read. I usually wake up with my hands down my pants and a wet stain.

Reply

vtsocks | 2

#970777 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:04

are you even human to need to ask why someone would have their hands down their pants?

Reply

YDImate | 0

#987751 - Monday 3 May 2010 2:42

u walk with a limp. cuz ur an old school PIMP

Reply

MetallicaRules19 | 4

#1425563 - Sunday 19 September 2010 6:46

well i guess then that must be (puts on sunglasses)

a pain in the balls

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5649279 - Thursday 29 August 2013 16:08

OP merely squeezed his walking stress balls! Those things follow him wherever he goes!

By numzeh | 0

#707973 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:41

a bit extreme isnt it

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5708107 - Tuesday 8 October 2013 11:09

Male genitalia, the new stress balls to squeeze.

By bubbles94 | 0

#707979 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

Oh...damn....
That's horrible...
FYL

Reply

7myname7 | 0

#1009865 - Friday 28 May 2010 4:36

eeeeugghhhh gave me the shivers!!!!

By Starfire22 | 5

#707982 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

Ouch, no sexy time for you, huh?

By dontizzle | 0

#707985 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:44

thats got to hurt
but why did u go to sleep with ur hands in your pants.??!?!?!?!?!!

Reply

marc_with_a_c | 3

#708083 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:34

Yeah.. that! why?! are you so boring when you play with yourself that you fell asleep doing it? no wonder you don't get laid ;p

Reply

caticaticati | 3

#708522 - Monday 7 December 2009 12:14

Why is everyone so confused about his hand being down this pants? Either his hand was cold (your crotch is like, the warmest part of your body) or he was really tired while jacking off and fell asleep in the middle of it (I'm a chick and it happens to me, and it's happened to my boyfriend, it's not that weird, it happens when you're really effin' tired), or he jacked off and didn't move his hand right away and fell asleep.

OR he had and itch and didn't totally move his hand?
Orrr he's like me and occasionally just sticks his hands down there because it's comfy and warm.

Reply

gods_hunter10 | 0

#837216 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 6:38

number38 can we be friends? :)

Reply

Stick523 | 0

#854025 - Sunday 14 February 2010 8:21

Yeah I'm pretty sure I want to be friends with 38 as well =)

Reply

cea99 | 0

#2960825 - Saturday 23 July 2011 23:02

Obivously he was jerkin off

By perdix | 29

#707989 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:50

Whatever you do, don't go see "The Nutcracker!" You'll have another nightmare and completely crush your 'nads!

Reply

ifmlftw | 0

#861665 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 12:32

win

By somepartsareme | 0

#707993 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Lonely_Lez | 0

#707997 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:53

...

Reply

misha1995 | 0

#708545 - Monday 7 December 2009 12:32

Fail...

Reply

xFattyxWhalex | 0

#708957 - Monday 7 December 2009 20:06

thats what he did grab, dumbass.

Reply

dvd175 | 5

#709274 - Tuesday 8 December 2009 1:27

i think "Somepartsareme" was trying to imply that the OP did not use the messed up phrase "Happy sacs" and instead used the word "Scrotum".....

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1975812 - Monday 17 January 2011 9:28

you are how old #7?

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#707998 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:54

or your snow globes

By blakehilli8 | 0

#708003 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:57

ydi for being a filthy male

By awwwwshit | 0

#708011 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:01

ouch that must ha- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DID YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS IN YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU FELL ASLEEP?!?!?!