Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was...

By Anonymous - 6/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Headache

True hero

By guy - 30/7/2012 03:24 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

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By edwinduarte1 - 13/9/2010 06:49 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

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By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2017 22:00

Today, at my engagement party, I overheard my future father-in-law saying he was happy his son was marrying "the dumb, pretty one" because all the "smart ones" he dated at university were "nerds with small tits." FML

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By birdisnottheword - 11/3/2015 13:55 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By Dsark - 19/2/2014 05:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By MissPerspirent - 28/9/2011 02:18 - Canada

Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML

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By umyuck - 3/5/2015 16:55 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

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By meranda_johnson - 13/12/2012 08:58 - United States

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

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By darkman28 - 7/4/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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By bandeek - 23/10/2016 18:52

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By badtasteinmen - 15/10/2015 18:19 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By S. Bauer - 2/11/2011 13:50 - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

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By Ann - 18/6/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

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By Mygawdwhy - 21/1/2018 01:30

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By Typicalwhitechick - 18/6/2017 00:00

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 14:13 - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, I saw a bunch of cute guys checking me out. Not paying attention, I then ran into a parked police car. Besides getting laughed at, I got a ticket for damaging police property. FML

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By Stupendous_ - 3/12/2012 07:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By SpongeAbii2 - 24/1/2012 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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By FabFor87 - 19/12/2016 16:15 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 01:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By Old? - 14/1/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

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By Lonely At Griffith - 17/6/2019 13:02

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

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By nazirah4shizzle - 15/5/2015 19:54 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

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By Oreo - 10/5/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By tallguy - 29/8/2013 13:40 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 02:48 - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:10 - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By doody - 30/12/2010 22:42 - United States

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 18:00

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

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By joshua - 6/8/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 03:40 - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2014 04:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was talking to my brother about how careless people are. Minutes later, I shocked myself with my dog's shock-collar. FML

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By Nick - 13/5/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

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Top comments

By caroline081287 | 0

#708036 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:11

Why are there so many people saying she deserves it? Some people wash their faces every day and still get acne because of bad genes or other factors.

By mattk13555 | 0

#707980 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

wow lol thats mean!

COMMENTS

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#707971 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:40

guess you need it then.

dcbog123 | 0

#708164 - Monday 7 December 2009 4:36

Stop being ugly

Achall91 | 17

#5713123 - Saturday 12 October 2013 8:56

Wow it seems like you both have really ugly hearts. No need to be an asshole.

QUACKATTACK27 | 8

#6009813 - Wednesday 16 July 2014 16:20

That stuff ain't cheap though. So thank her for paying a lot of money for your ugly ass

By mattk13555 | 0

#707980 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:43

wow lol thats mean!

Starchild21 | 3

#708379 - Monday 7 December 2009 9:09

Hey pizzafaces are not cool

____________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

PurpleSquirrel | 0

#835998 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 0:44

people who advertise their myspace on every comment they post are not cool.

By minitrini_89 | 0

#707984 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:44

That's a needlessly cruel way to spread the Christmas cheer...

youreanidiot | 0

#707999 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:54

birthday present...

lostfaithinpppl | 19

#708000 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:55

I agree. Sorry, OP.

HelloAllieKitty | 2

#708051 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:17

♥ who says her birthday isn't near Christmas? lol.
xoxo ♥

minitrini_89 | 0

#708062 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:25

Birthday present, yes. Still, unneccesary bitch move so close to Christmas. You know what this leaves room for? Revenge on Christmas morning.

redbluegreen | 40

#708149 - Monday 7 December 2009 4:26

Having birthdays near Christmas can be the very worst, trust me.

But it always leaves room for revenge, I'll say.

By baby_gurl2405 | 0

#707986 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:48

wow bitch much!?!?!?! I know! send her a "proper dress attire for your age" book :P

By TC1_fml | 0

#707996 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:53

Well, apparently you dont take care 'bout your face, at least she does. YDI & stop bitching.

crazytoaster | 2

#708202 - Monday 7 December 2009 5:13

#33 = Win!

MysteryJoker | 5

#708360 - Monday 7 December 2009 8:14

#33, you are awesome

By blakehilli8 | 0

#708001 - Monday 7 December 2009 2:55

ydi for not fucking taking care of your face. filthy americans

DeathShad0 | 0

#708015 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:01

Filthy Americans? Fall down a fifty foot well and rot there.

myfriend_youfail | 3

#708096 - Monday 7 December 2009 3:46

Here's a very simply word equation for you.

I'm an American + I wash my face twice a day + I also use spot treatment cream four times a week + I still have acne problems because my skin is naturally oily and my hormones fluctuate greatly during That Time of the Month = I'm a hygienic yet still-pimply American and you're still a metaphorical herpes sore on the metaphorical arsehole of the human race.

Thanks for playing!