Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

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Family values

Delayed proposal

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By brokeandiknowit - 9/6/2017 05:00 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By wtf - 15/7/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By Dr. Virgin - 24/2/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

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By Not turnt - 27/7/2015 19:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

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By afraidtoburn - 26/2/2012 04:18 - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2012 17:50 - Netherlands - Lelystad

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

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By "levsterx" - 5/4/2017 02:00

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML

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By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Pelly - 23/6/2016 10:26 - Belgium - Kasterlee

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

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By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

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By bluskyz1979 - 17/5/2016 15:32 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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By NoMagicMike - 27/6/2012 16:53 - United States - La Crescent

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

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By what did I do? - 25/10/2013 11:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By cuteloser - 4/10/2014 13:57 - Australia

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

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By screwed - 7/10/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

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By Respect101 - 26/6/2014 00:20 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

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By 20singleandproudish - 23/10/2014 05:18 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2016 05:04 - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - 10/12/2016 19:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By MozillaHostile - 9/10/2015 18:54 - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

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By ugh - 25/4/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By BigPurplePresent - 28/7/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2019 20:01

Today, my boyfriend let it slip that he thinks of my best friend when he masturbates because he like to have the "freedom and variety." FML

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By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

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By Scared - 8/4/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By artist - 29/3/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

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By Brandee - 5/3/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By Sharee K. - 8/8/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year old man's junk. FML

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By Jayde - 4/2/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

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By uglyguy252 - 16/5/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

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By spiderwoman - 15/4/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

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By AndI'veHadChildren - 10/10/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2019 01:00

Pleasant smell

Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2860727 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

My favourite part is how she just left when you guys were done.

You didn't have to pay for that sex, right? I can't imagine what runs through a hooker's mind when you tell her, "Don't wake my parents..."

By xxmollyxx | 25

#2860725 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

How the hell did she manage that?

COMMENTS

By EamNim | 0

#2860723 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

OUCH!

Reply

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2860876 - Sunday 10 July 2011 13:11

what a he'll of a first experience for you OP, at least you have a good story to tell your kids when they are older?

Reply

klonopin_ftw | 0

#2860990 - Sunday 10 July 2011 14:20

like OP will be able to have kids after that. even if he does, they're gonna be slower than normal. you dont crush your balls and have normal kids afterwards.

Reply

starile | 19

#2861030 - Sunday 10 July 2011 14:40

Wow, OP. LIKE A BOSS. Props, man.

Reply

Drigr | 8

#2861778 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:10

32 - this wasn't his first time. he said first time in I don't know how long (aka in a while)

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#2864031 - Monday 11 July 2011 2:02

wow you are a trooper for continuing after she crushed them. next time though go with a smaller girl lol

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#2864041 - Monday 11 July 2011 2:03

smaller as in weight.

Reply

Reign_fml | 3

#2864208 - Monday 11 July 2011 2:48

that's what they call busting a nut...

Reply

tittymagic | 0

#2865295 - Monday 11 July 2011 8:36

how the hell can you act cool? I would cry a very manly cry...

Reply

Barn312009 | 0

#2874221 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:56

lol nice

Reply

SW500 | 13

#3129510 - Thursday 18 August 2011 0:47

Bruised? He'll have kids just fine. People get bruising in hernia operations all the time.

By xxmollyxx | 25

#2860725 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

How the hell did she manage that?

Reply

Edwinadii | 4

#2860789 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:47

There is a part on a womens body that is called "Egg pan"....Thats in the middle of the vagina and the asswhole....Thats were the mans "eggs" crush againts wen fucking...Im asuming he fucked em up there xD

Reply

22cute | 17

#2861028 - Sunday 10 July 2011 14:38

that's complete made up BS. There is no such part of the female body. Geez, read a medical anatomy book.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#2861253 - Sunday 10 July 2011 15:48

55 ...too...many...big...words *head explodes*

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myxcure | 2

#2861611 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:17

55, all true, but where is the asswhole located?

Reply

flockz | 19

#2861851 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:28

3- u can thumb me down but when i first saw your pic i saw a giant shit someone had taken in a toilet lol

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2861870 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:31

infront of the asshalf, everybody knows that.

Reply

Easye123 | 0

#2862855 - Sunday 10 July 2011 20:25

pwnd by the dictionary!!! yeeees

Reply

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2863031 - Sunday 10 July 2011 21:26

she had a massive ass

Reply

soccergurl95 | 8

#2864671 - Monday 11 July 2011 5:18

haha 109 just made my day lmfao!

Reply

sarasweetie | 0

#2869210 - Monday 11 July 2011 21:39

it wasnt a GIRLS balls it was his.

Reply

abcd4242 | 0

#2876752 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 21:18

soccergurl95 is awesome!!

Reply

Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#2889204 - Thursday 14 July 2011 9:36

yah soccergurl95 is pretty much hot

Reply

purpleninjaa | 0

#3080344 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 20:02

55 your a dumbass

Reply

purpleninjaa | 0

#3080358 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 20:05

I meant 51 not 55. My iPods gay

Reply

GSpotMach | 8

#5416570 - Saturday 23 March 2013 5:35

*you're

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6015594 - Tuesday 22 July 2014 21:45

You made a typo and somehow that makes your iPod a homosexual?

Get some better vocabulary.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2860727 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

My favourite part is how she just left when you guys were done.

You didn't have to pay for that sex, right? I can't imagine what runs through a hooker's mind when you tell her, "Don't wake my parents..."

Reply

DjeePee | 24

#2860850 - Sunday 10 July 2011 13:03

Why is that your favourite part? Maybe she wasn't allowed to spend the night with him, they still seem like teenagers to me. And he didn't call her his girlfriend, so it might even be a random girl. But even then there is no reason to call her a hooker.

Reply

memphius | 4

#2861604 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:15

once you get the bill from the hospital, you are gonna realize how much that sex really cost you.......

Reply

1215116a | 14

#2861772 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:09

27, on FML you can call anyone hookers. That's how teh Interwebz work.

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2861880 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:34

@27 in the world of fml, everyone whos not the person commenting or their friends is either a whore or a prude. its kind of like a tag for stupidity.

By youliketacos | 0

#2860728 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

Somebody's a little rough in bed...

Reply

swasticop | 0

#2868740 - Monday 11 July 2011 20:18

time to crush her ovaries!

By ryno101 | 3

#2860731 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

so you still have blue balls?

Reply

SwaggerMelon | 6

#2861828 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:25

It's going to look like you got a BJ from a smurf.

Reply

codyw152 | 0

#2862996 - Sunday 10 July 2011 21:19

lol

Reply

apegirl907 | 0

#2864515 - Monday 11 July 2011 4:07

haha

Reply

Smokingweenies | 3

#2867037 - Monday 11 July 2011 15:44

Nah, forget blue balls. He got himself a nice pair of green ones. You know, from all the radiation he'll be getting for his testicular cancer.

By volley4eva1698 | 0

#2860734 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:23

I wouldn't have waited a minute if my balls were crushed..even though I'm a girl

Reply

starile | 19

#2861038 - Sunday 10 July 2011 14:45

You obviously don't understand how hot this girl was, and the imperativeness of taking it like a man.

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#2861691 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:41

Taking it like a man, as only a man can.

By chillinAK | 9

#2860736 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:24

Wow. I could say something crass like - at least you have blue balls, but damn. How? Some real active cowgirl action? Reverse maybe?

Reply

chillinAK | 9

#2860742 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:26

meant don't have blue balls.

Reply

cenax27 | 0

#2860931 - Sunday 10 July 2011 13:44

reverse cow girl sucks, u gotta go helicopter or the safer missionary position

Reply

Saltime | 0

#2861729 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:55

35 - Tell me more! I want to know all about the positions you use!

...Wait, no I don't.

Reply

cenax27 | 0

#2863084 - Sunday 10 July 2011 21:48

hey buddy go fuck yourself :)

Reply

decidedlyvague | 11

#2866181 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:16

so wait, you have to lie the girl on top of you and spin her?

By FruityLoooons | 8

#2860738 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:25

How the hell do you act cool from crushed balls, man?

Reply

Glitterhinoceros | 14

#2861579 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:11

You hold the tears back untill she leaves, then start bawling.

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#2861733 - Sunday 10 July 2011 17:56

Give 87 some thumb love, they said "bawling".

Reply

windfuelsfire | 10

#2861811 - Sunday 10 July 2011 18:21

my thoughts exactly! he must have a good popopopopopoker face

Reply

Super_Salo | 0

#2864249 - Monday 11 July 2011 2:58

you arent supposed to

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2865121 - Monday 11 July 2011 7:38

99- I can think of a few kinds of "thumb love" 87 might be interested in.

By TheSithAssassin | 15

#2860739 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:26

Props for waiting, loss for having to "wake your parents". I just want to know how and in what position.

Reply

gunman15 | 4

#2863513 - Monday 11 July 2011 0:39

teabag

Reply

cheeks337 | 0

#2905495 - Saturday 16 July 2011 11:36

dude this is crazy this has happend to me to it f****** hurts

By ilovecookies83 | 0

#2860743 - Sunday 10 July 2011 12:28

I didn't even know that was possible :S