Health: Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly...

By nataliepaige - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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Health

And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

No, Drake, no

By Put on some trousers, you asshole! - 27/6/2021 11:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Put it away!

Today, I'm temporarily staying at my parents' place because my mother injured her knee and can't walk, and for the second time, I caught my father walking around with his bare dick. FML

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By alexander - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2020 20:01

Check this

Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML

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By davetherave1983 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

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By Cherub - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By tessamarque - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By goingdownhillfast

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my mom's birthday, we went camping. At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By the_captain - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By DC - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

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By HelpPlease - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

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By thedogkisser - United States

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By MakesMeLol - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

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By cero_kewl - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

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By oGxFoopFoop

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

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By balletteacher - United States

Today, I realized my acne looks like star constellations. I've already found the Little Dipper on my left cheek. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By Clumsy - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

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By Patrick - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

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By Amanda Howard

Says something about you, probably

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

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By xoVioLoveox - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

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By Electric Eddy

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richardson

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

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By Tibblesthepengwin - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the store to buy a new lego set, only to find there weren't any left in stock. I started crying before I could make it out of the store. Oh, and I'm eighteen. FML

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By petlover - United States

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

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By allalone - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

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Top comments

By Bluesheep_fml | 4

#2929637 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:00

That's awesome. Painfull tho.

By mrbattleman | 10

#2929692 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:05

it's like you can feel the action!

COMMENTS

By Bluesheep_fml | 4

#2929637 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:00

That's awesome. Painfull tho.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2929732 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:12

Some action movie if OP fell asleep

PRiMARELYiNSANE | 0

#2929793 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:22

Ohohoho, very ingenius of you, OP. I also get that at the movie theaters, you're JUST about to snooze & then.. "DADUM!!! *BANG BANG*".

Jacobt24 | 19

#2929877 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:52

I know this probably doesnt matter but 22 i meant to give you a thumbs up

Herkulezz | 0

#2929904 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:57

hhahahahahah ;)

sirbrainiac | 2

#2929924 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:05

Must've been a bad movie.

cocobulla1 | 4

#2930005 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:31

so you fell asleep...durin an *action* movie? haha movie must have sucked

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2930034 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:36

is the coffee table alright?

dolphincheddar | 10

#2930134 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 14:17

damn man, the coffee table was enjoying the movie and you had to go and ruin the moment for it. go drink a red bull, it keeps you awake, and gives you wiiiiings