Health: Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly...

By nataliepaige - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

My body, my choice

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By gleefan116 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

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By for shite's sake - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By nooneatall - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By Tytonic - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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By Justme - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By tooearly - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

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By Luke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

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By WasntMe - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

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By geniusdrunk

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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By insertfoothere - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Wtffmlfs

Modern Family

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Can they do that?

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Costa Rica

Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 20:08

About last night…

Today, I woke up on the couch in front of the television covered with a blanket. Last night, I'd come home pissed from the pub, fired up porn, got my pants off and settled down for a wank. However, this morning the telly was off, my trousers were on, and I don't remember a blanket. I live with my mom. FML

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By fuckel4 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Looks like we made it… Oh.

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

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By wow - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

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By idiotfriend - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

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By Dontwaketheneighbors - United States - Santee

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By why... - United States - East Orange

Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

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By tadam - France

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

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By souped - United States

Today, I really wanted something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my grandma's soy milk. I decide to take a swig, and instead of tasting soy, I tasted rotten chicken. Turns out my grandma knew I drink her soy milk and decided to swap it with expired chicken broth. FML

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By MrsGrinch

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

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By IHateSchool-.- - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

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By mirrorfad - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By FMyJob - Australia - Ashfield

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

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By drunkdial - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

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Top comments

By Bluesheep_fml | 4

#2929637 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:00

That's awesome. Painfull tho.

By mrbattleman | 10

#2929692 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:05

it's like you can feel the action!

COMMENTS

By Bluesheep_fml | 4

#2929637 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:00

That's awesome. Painfull tho.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2929732 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:12

Some action movie if OP fell asleep

PRiMARELYiNSANE | 0

#2929793 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:22

Ohohoho, very ingenius of you, OP. I also get that at the movie theaters, you're JUST about to snooze & then.. "DADUM!!! *BANG BANG*".

Jacobt24 | 19

#2929877 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:52

I know this probably doesnt matter but 22 i meant to give you a thumbs up

Herkulezz | 0

#2929904 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 12:57

hhahahahahah ;)

sirbrainiac | 2

#2929924 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:05

Must've been a bad movie.

cocobulla1 | 4

#2930005 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:31

so you fell asleep...durin an *action* movie? haha movie must have sucked

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2930034 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 13:36

is the coffee table alright?

dolphincheddar | 10

#2930134 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 14:17

damn man, the coffee table was enjoying the movie and you had to go and ruin the moment for it. go drink a red bull, it keeps you awake, and gives you wiiiiings