Health: Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already...

By laurenasabutton - 30/12/2013 13:07 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 579

You deserved it 4 328

Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

A new enemy

By rockefoe - 30/06/2010 08:04 - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 792

You deserved it 33 394

By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 419

You deserved it 9 972

By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 004

You deserved it 24 140

Excuses, excuses

By skj - 29/05/2021 11:01

Today, I asked my mom why the lamp in the living room wasn’t working. She immediately plugged it in, it worked, and she called me a complete idiot. I haven’t slept in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 294

You deserved it 930

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

By rachele321 - 20/08/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 905

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 598

You deserved it 2 583

By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 654

You deserved it 40 979

Time to scramble

By BellaBabii32 - 27/04/2021 02:01

Today, I went to get coffee. While I was at the drive-thru window, I went to pay with my card but dropped it right out the window. It went under my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 148

She's lost control again

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 216

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 13:59

Today, I was getting ready for work and I sprayed my hair to stay in place, then went to spray deodorant under my arm, but noticed that it was super sticky. No wonder my hair spray smelled like baby powder, I'd confused one product with another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 595

By shmoooopie - 29/05/2015 03:39 - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 443

You deserved it 3 858

By anonymous - 03/01/2013 10:34 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 617

You deserved it 44 734

Cats are like drugs

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 23:01 - Turkey - Adana

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 405

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 538

You deserved it 3 891

Smells like…

By makin bacon - 08/11/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 099

You deserved it 412

By Anonymous - 16/05/2017 16:00

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 129

You deserved it 322

By Bouh - 27/12/2012 04:04 - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 156

You deserved it 9 291

By unwanted - 11/08/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 042

You deserved it 6 542

By GreenMonstR - 25/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 164

You deserved it 4 758

Nice!

By growlr - 20/07/2011 09:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 722

You deserved it 5 790

By allwrong - 16/03/2010 10:27 - Australia

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 200

You deserved it 13 239

By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 593

You deserved it 4 627

Creepypasta

By CSU Ramming - 22/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 712

You deserved it 226

By Mikey - 28/04/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 449

You deserved it 46 248

By Anonymous - 26/12/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 723

You deserved it 4 743

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 508

You deserved it 6 512

Todd is fine, and you?

By blind_date - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 851

You deserved it 6 403

By WTF? - 03/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 850

You deserved it 3 953

By Samantha - 16/08/2012 22:36 - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 773

You deserved it 2 008

By suosi - 26/07/2015 17:55 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 035

You deserved it 2 139

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 300

You deserved it 5 842

By sicksicksick - 19/06/2013 17:23 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 547

You deserved it 3 667

By curly_eyelashes - 24/02/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 14 404

By spleg - 16/12/2010 12:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 348

You deserved it 4 300

Cranky

By Passive ass aggressor - 08/04/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 4 205

By Anonycunt - 27/07/2013 16:30 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 229

You deserved it 3 984

By oops... - 19/06/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 269

You deserved it 20 017

By phonesnshit - 29/05/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 143

You deserved it 3 476

By Anonymous - 21/03/2014 22:35 - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 800

You deserved it 6 727

By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 127

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thestrangedude 10

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

That's what you get for using a broken suitcase

jaycee1209 5

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

Hope your toe's feeling better

jaycee1209 5

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

Hope your toe's feeling better

L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H 20

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:49

I would kiss your toe to make it feel better... But that would be weird and gross.

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:12

That wouldn't be gross or weird! No I'm not lying... Really... Don't be a jerk go kiss his toe. Seriously. Kiss it.

FangirlingAlways 14

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:18

Let's all kiss OP'S toe! Make sure you put some ice on it OP!

JBirdeye 14

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:18

Yeah, go to a hospital and get a job kissing people's toes.

dachayke 16

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:52

#19 *her toe.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 30 December 2013 22:34

:* :* :* . . . better?

SirDirtyRedD 15

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 15:24

this must be the same guy who had his broken foot steped on earlier

laurenasabutton 26

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 16:24

Nope, I'm a girl.

LaurenLo 17

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

Ouch. Hope it didn't get too much worse! Feel better OP!

jsp16 24

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Monday 30 December 2013 21:34

I wonder if an angry old man just stepped on his toe too.

singer0421 32

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 1:37

^The people who downvoted him obviously didn't understand the reference to a previous FML.

ktiskool 18

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

Ouch!!! That's toe-rrible!

xChaos 29

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:47

No... It doesn't work like that...

theonex17 15

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:03

You shoe'dnt make puns like that

xChaos 29

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:06

Ok get out

gracehi 31

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:31

Omg, 15, I'm wracked with fits of giggles.

brickboy1 8

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:49

no. just no

JMichael 25

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Monday 30 December 2013 20:05

You guys shoedn't string yourselves up so much and take a walk and the wild side.

Gangsterrface 10

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Monday 30 December 2013 21:47

It clearly did work like that ...

random_cashmere 25

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 0:50

It would suit your toe well if you did not drop suitcases on it

xChaos 29

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 5:23

Guys I'm not playing games I'll call the fucking pun police

MysticMonkey 9

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

Crunch.

Awesomeaxel 24

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:15

this FML made me cringe just by reading it.

thestrangedude 10

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:46

That's what you get for using a broken suitcase

JustinMrBest91 10

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:52

Im pretty sure he was talking about his toe being broken #5

OscarDV 8

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:58

#11 that's the joke.

Nordrag 26

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:01

12 - a joke? What's that?

JustinMrBest91 10

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Monday 30 December 2013 20:35

Sorry I didnt really understand the joke

wingedangel123 8

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Tuesday 31 December 2013 2:07

#41 With that profile pic, don't expect your relationship status to change from "single" any time soon.

anarcome 3

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:49

That must have felt awful, hope it gets better soon OP

savannaharstill 8

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:50

That's toetably painful

speakersboom 19

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Monday 30 December 2013 21:37

and this little piggy went "SON OF A BITCH, THAT FUCKING HURT!" :)

SWC_Penguin 17

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Monday 30 December 2013 18:51

Thank you for thinking of us! That's very polite. I'm glad I don't have to worry any more.

gracehi 31

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:01

Already broken? Whoo, what a relief! I was worried there for a moment.

arsenicalhumor 30

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Monday 30 December 2013 21:18

Two negatives can sometimes make a positive! Maybe OP fixed her toe by dropping something on it.. Miracles!

Bunny21 11

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Monday 30 December 2013 19:07

This is a real fml lmfao hope it heals soon!!!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 134

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 236

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