Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online... - FML

By CreepedOut - 29/8/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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Dangling modifier

Don't give up

Business savvy

By anonymouschicka - 1/8/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 23:12 - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By jane - 9/10/2009 14:04 - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - 7/7/2015 13:26 - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By Sissyleemae - 16/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2010 15:04 - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2019 04:29

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

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By urgg - 5/9/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 18:00

This Charming Man

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Brokebitch2017 - 27/2/2017 22:00

Today, I finally got my phone and internet services reinstated after a billing mishap. During the week that I was without service, I had 3 requests for interviews and a position offer. None of those opportunities are still available. FML

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By just die already - 24/4/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By ihatepokemon - 22/7/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

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By chasingcars0624 - 28/8/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3AM. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML

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By AboutToGoKillBillOnSomeone - 13/12/2012 14:35 - Australia - Newport

Today, I finally got my wedding photos in the mail. As I looked through them, I soon realized that the lace material on my wedding dress was completely see-through in the sunlight, and my bra and panties were visible in every single outdoor photo. I had an outdoor wedding. FML

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By ThreeMoreYears - 3/3/2020 03:01

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 11:34 - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 21:56 - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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By bit - 30/7/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By Sorry - 2/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 19:56 - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

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By Whoneedsgradschool - 20/4/2017 20:00

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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By WritesTooWell - 5/9/2013 23:27 - United States - Miami

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By sadguy - 22/9/2009 18:30 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By How? - 29/9/2018 10:30 - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

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By tom0441 - 22/10/2011 08:34 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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By kmyltd - 14/9/2016 06:18 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By Shitty day - 24/5/2016 05:59 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

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By Neversleepingthereagain - 28/2/2013 19:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

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By debiebs - 29/12/2016 12:04 - Brazil - Salvador

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

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Top comments

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1319507 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:25

Don't use eHarmoney.

The guy was probably joking about his condition and you took it the wrong way. Don't be so harsh.

By bellus | 0

#1319642 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:42

i don't get the pun.

COMMENTS

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1319507 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:25

Don't use eHarmoney.

The guy was probably joking about his condition and you took it the wrong way. Don't be so harsh.

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#1319564 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:30

It was a pun.

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1319639 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:42

Bunnyhunny felt really good for a second.

Reply

bellus | 0

#1319642 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:42

i don't get the pun.

Reply

heynow00wellthen | 0

#1319665 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:47

hahahahaha that made me laugh xD he sounds like a keeeepeerr!

Reply

remy3106 | 10

#1319705 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:55

^ creeper**

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1319717 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:57

Lol, I know. I wasn't meaning it in a bad way. People feel good when they can correct a Grammar Nazi! I know I do. :)

Reply

comedychick | 1

#1319750 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:02

lmfaooooooo that's scary and slightly disturbing that's one of my biggest fears..

Reply

buzz18 | 7

#1319753 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:02

creeepperrss, who says that when first talkin to someone?

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1319794 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:10

Well when you do it intentionally, it's not as fun.
Ah what the hell.
*What

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1319800 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:11

28 lmao! It's been almost ten minutes and no one has jumped down your throat yet? Is the world coming to an end? (:

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1319810 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:14

*?

Reply

skroal | 7

#1319833 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:20

This is the most confusing set of comments today.

As for the OP, eh, just don't log back on to whatever site you used.

Reply

dusthawg | 4

#1319857 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:25

like the new pic Remy!

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#1319881 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:32

haha that's punny

Reply

Oscar_Wilde | 0

#1319888 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:33

Maybe the guy was pretending to be Edward Cullen.

Reply

redoxy_fml | 0

#1319943 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:45

#24 that's necromancy!!

Reply

kirbinator | 0

#1320048 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:18

hide yo kids hide yo wife and hide your husband cause they rapin erbody out here

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1320103 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:34

lol ^^^^

Reply

2an1a | 4

#1320138 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:41

#52...that dude was soo funny....he made me laugh so hard

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1320233 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:16

lmaoo 52 win

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#1320284 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:37

give him a chance :'(

Reply

rowerforlife | 0

#1320538 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:11

omg 52! that guys hilaaaaariouuus!

Reply

bonicr | 0

#1320706 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:08

I don't get the pun, 7 can you explain?

Reply

term164 | 0

#1321645 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:17

LOL worked perfectly.

Reply

EricErection69 | 0

#1322137 - Monday 30 August 2010 13:04

19 bother do i

Reply

TibbysMusic | 1

#1322510 - Monday 30 August 2010 16:04

For everyone who didn't get the pun:

EHarmony costs tons of money, but they don't tell you tht until after you finish the hours long survey.
So he put EHarMONEY instead EHarmony.

Jebbus people.

Reply

bonicr | 0

#1323520 - Monday 30 August 2010 21:56

Ohhh I get it now...

By JayBear14 | 11

#1319534 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:28

i hate when guys act so attached, that would freak me out, i feel for ya.

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1321616 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:12

yeah but if it's a girl that's really attached it end up as... guy: we need to talk girl: sure honey guy: your to clingly don't come over to my house more than once a week unless it's for sex. girl: fine then... you'll just have to come to mine

Reply

roker | 0

#1348746 - Saturday 4 September 2010 6:51

wow ur really hot. are u single?

By Primus_fml | 0

#1319547 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:29

That just means you're hot :D! Unless he has a weird fetish.

Reply

Jessi_the_sexii | 0

#1319578 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:33

he probably has a bondage fettish. He ties girls to his bed.. and never let's them go :0

Reply

Primus_fml | 0

#1319595 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:36

Sexy.

Reply

idkmyusername | 0

#1319828 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:20

lol, sounds like that new rihanna/eminem song

Reply

Jessi_the_sexii | 0

#1320072 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:23

rihanna is a perv lol

Reply

illmatic2 | 16

#1320218 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:10

Rihanna is kind of hot. :P

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1320269 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:26

Jessi is sexy

Reply

That_Guy_Jake_JR | 0

#1320335 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:58

Her brother calls her sexy.
True story.
Ask her.
Yes. :)

Reply

Jessi_the_sexii | 0

#1320396 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:13

lol...thanks Jake..

Reply

FFML_314 | 11

#1320454 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:37

I would not want my brother calling me sexy. Very strange.

Reply

Jessi_the_sexii | 0

#1320484 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:48

it's because a special Ed kid used to call me that so my brother uses it as a joke to make fun of me

Reply

TheOptimist | 0

#1320812 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:54

Are you sure it's a joke? I'm pretty sure I smell incest in this relationship.

Reply

Jessi_the_sexii | 0

#1320894 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:17

I'm sure lol. my brother only calls me that on ocasion it's more my friends than anything haha.

Reply

TheOptimist | 0

#1320980 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:59

Phew, that's a relief. I've seen enough incest today already, and it's 1:00a.m.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1321973 - Monday 30 August 2010 11:50

you're welcome Jessi

By iron_chefITALY | 0

#1319558 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:30

he's a keeper

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1319571 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:32

time to go on a date on elm street

By Schizomaniac | 24

#1319598 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:36

It was me. I WILL be dreaming of you tonight. 0_0

By And_Jelly | 0

#1319600 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:38

Creepy.

By illmatic2 | 16

#1319611 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:38

Buy a tazer. They really work.

Reply

gaylyn101 | 3

#1319869 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:29

seriously!

By primadonna9396 | 16

#1319623 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:40

Yeah... YDI for not expecting shit like this on a dating website.

By UpYoursInAdvance | 0

#1319625 - Monday 30 August 2010 1:40

LMFAO... sounds like my kinda guy LMFAO