Animals: Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This... - FML

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 134

You deserved it 2 886

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dysfunctional

Fill her up

By child - 10/12/2015 02:24 - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 369

You deserved it 1 549

By Forever alone Guy - 19/02/2013 23:07 - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 3 813

By Anonymous - 20/06/2019 12:41

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 101

We Are Family

By bad dad - 15/03/2020 00:01

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 97

Yucky!

By theapplesleader - 23/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 3 696

By lamesauce - 15/02/2009 10:32 - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 740

You deserved it 3 039

By Anonymous - 04/06/2016 14:52 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 944

You deserved it 932

Firehose

By PissingMeOff - 16/10/2020 13:55 - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, I found out that my boyfriend pees in the shower. This would've been OK if he was peeing into the drain. Instead, he pees on the shampoo and soap bottles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 120

By Sadmom - 14/09/2016 02:15 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 908

You deserved it 1 401

By Mr. E - 14/11/2018 17:30

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 15:35 - Romania

Spicy

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 418

You deserved it 21 009

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 07:24 - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 325

You deserved it 3 981

A like is a like, dude

By Anonymous - 04/06/2017 12:00

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 259

You deserved it 543

Public transport FTW

By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 17:03

Today, I was riding the subway home after a long shift at hospital. I accidentally made eye contact with a sketchy dude for a split second. He launched a wide spray of spit at me. At least I was wearing scrubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 158

You deserved it 114

By Alin - 13/09/2018 14:30

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 576

You deserved it 384

By HappyNewYearsToMeAndMyCat - 01/01/2015 05:25 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I'm celebrating New Years with my cat. I made her a cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 6 844

By Anonymous - 07/11/2011 00:26 - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 867

You deserved it 2 393

By anonymous - 12/08/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 162

You deserved it 5 986

Cuties

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I shaved my penis and balls. When my girlfriend saw, she said, "You look like my little brother." He's 6 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 399

By Smile No More - 13/05/2011 12:27

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 086

You deserved it 5 948

By rofindie - 07/05/2012 04:12 - United States - Forest Hills

Today, my dad found a couple of coins on the floor next to my desk, and gave me a lecture about how money doesn't grow on trees and how irresponsible I am when it comes to money. They were Chuck E. Cheese tokens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 052

You deserved it 2 680

By crizzy - 24/04/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 622

You deserved it 4 226

By Anonymous - 29/08/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 641

You deserved it 6 518

By stoopidpoop - 05/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 932

You deserved it 13 724

By MouserMan - 22/10/2014 14:47 - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 057

You deserved it 4 275

By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 10:28 - United States - Richmond

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 461

You deserved it 63 121

By benjamin03 - 05/07/2016 16:34 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my mom continued her search for a special, super-healthy laundry detergent that she knows makes me break out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 359

You deserved it 957

By ashbeat - 01/01/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 445

You deserved it 4 372

By NoseInPain - 20/08/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 396

You deserved it 3 968

Life imitates bad art

By sex sent me to the Er - 15/10/2019 14:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 1 965

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

By zarko - 14/02/2017 14:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 275

You deserved it 5 551

Power tripping

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 02:00

Today, I got my projects printed and spiral bound, only to get a text from my teacher 30 minutes later that everything must be in black and white. I paid extra money to have them in colour. When I asked her if colour was okay, she said, "I never asked for colour and I want it in black and white for everyone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 199

By peepeepainter - 07/01/2014 02:25 - United States - Jasper

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 269

You deserved it 8 072

By mc - 03/01/2009 02:12 - France

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 770

You deserved it 2 312

By dollabill009 - 06/06/2013 08:49 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 197

You deserved it 8 525

Namesake

By cjy152 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her newborn son after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 213

You deserved it 3 649

By Anonymous - 30/05/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 417

You deserved it 6 793

By Need Help - 05/10/2017 16:30 - United States - Victorville

Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 421

You deserved it 312

By Ally - 19/05/2011 01:07 - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 041

You deserved it 4 035

By BrokeAF - 12/08/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 922

You deserved it 325

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Top comments

Queen_bee1234 21

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:10

He's getting all the bitches!

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:10

Hey, at least he used protection!

Comments

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:10

I'm suprised the dog hasn't been very ill from eating them

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Thursday 19 November 2015 12:00

All these sarcastic answers... you are responsible for cleaning your dog's poop! Mine used to get into my boyfriend's gum and I would find blue bits in his poop. :(

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Thursday 19 November 2015 19:41

Most undigestible things tend to just pass through, though sometimes may cause blockage in the exit port which in turn may cause health problems if not taken care of soon enough.

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:10

Hey, at least he used protection!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 November 2015 14:09

May be the correction could be: he ate all the used protection

Queen_bee1234 21

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:10

He's getting all the bitches!

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:13

well it could be worse. some poor girl/guy could have stds

Send a private message

Thursday 19 November 2015 19:38

I'm would be more worried about my dog possibly choking to death, or having to have very expensive surgery, rather than a disease than can probably be cured.

my_dog_is_better 19

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Monday 4 January 2016 2:56

I don't think a dog eating condoms effects wether or not an unknown person uses them.

allykaymorris 24

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:13

At least he doesn't bring them to your guests as gifts!

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:15

And where does he get these used condoms ?

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:16

At least he is using protection.

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:20

Where the hell did he get that from ?

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:25

From the condom fairy, of course!

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:24

Only sailors use those!

mrlawlor7777 26

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Thursday 19 November 2015 16:12

Well they should; those filthy baggers go from port to port.

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Thursday 19 November 2015 11:26

the real question is why are there used condoms in your backyard..

ellabellaboom 24

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Thursday 19 November 2015 12:18

Let me try to explain. Going out on a limb but here goes: OP's dog ate used condoms and pooped in the backyard. The condoms were in the poop. Not physically in the backyard. That is what I gathered from the fml.

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Thursday 19 November 2015 19:45

besides the point, there just laying around for the dog to eat..

countryb_cth 38

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Thursday 19 November 2015 20:30

Probably not, some times dogs go through the garbage without the owner knowing. Really don't think OP left condoms laying around especially since they are a dog owner.

ThatSlappinBass 32

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Friday 20 November 2015 0:56

36, Exactly! My stepdad's dog is smart enough to put her paw on the lever that opens the trash lid in the bathroom. If we don't leave the door closed, we come back to trash everywhere. OP could have a very smart dog with a very odd taste.

tattoosandtea 5

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Friday 20 November 2015 8:47

my dog takes them out of the bin..the idiot...so we had to get one with a proper lid..this was after he chewed a disposable razor...(he was fine, but my bank balance wasn't)

MoroseMoose 47

Monday 3 October 2016 0:25

Wow 46, I'm glad your dog was ok! That's scary

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 123

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 808