Animals: Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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Fear factor

Honesty is the best policy

Zoom this, bitches!

By Liz

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

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By NotALady

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

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By Fmyhair - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

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By MJjunior - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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By ZSL - United States

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML

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By work hard - Canada - Petawawa

Today, I went into work, thinking it was my last day before I start my new job, as my 2-week notice said to the managers that I can't work after today. None of them believed that I was actually capable of getting a better job and thought my 2-week notice was a joke. FML

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By Heartbroken - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole that dumped me last week. FML

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By legitfile.bat.virus.exe - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

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By Soakedandbroke - United States - Houston

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

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By loserman - United States - Frisco

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she's been sleeping with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

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By DesDri - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

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By Notfamous - United States - West Point

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pinellas Park

Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML

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By

Today, I tried to call my company's HR to report my boss for sexually inappropriate comments towards me. Turns out, the only person I can complain to is the franchise owner, who has been good friends with my boss for over a decade. FML

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By buckerooo

Too much feeling!

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML

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By HelpPlease - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

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By poormom - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Mallory - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

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By MUemma - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

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By ShutUp007 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if life gives you lemons, your sister is going to squeeze them over your face while you take a nap on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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By fazzems - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By stun_zeed

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By Uriah - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By Christoams - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By bottomdrawerraider - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

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Top comments

By fjvitt | 14

#7745063 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:24

I guess he swallows...

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7745060 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:15

Why is this an FML? And why are you going through your dog's poop?

COMMENTS

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7745060 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:15

Why is this an FML? And why are you going through your dog's poop?

By fjvitt | 14

#7745063 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:24

I guess he swallows...

By manb91uk | 22

#7745068 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:48

I hope to God you didn't put it there in the first place! 😂

By TumblrweedPasses | 11

#7745069 - Saturday 29 December 2018 20:48

That's one way to do it doggy style

Take care getting rid of them, maybe chuck them in the bin outside rather than in the house if the dogs trash raiding

By davidfong | 14

#7745090 - Saturday 29 December 2018 21:21

Looks like there’s no sex for you tonight!

By Yudith | 20

#7745184 - Sunday 30 December 2018 3:35

Too bad the condom broke; you'll have to find a better brand or continue to bring plastic bags to pick up after your dog.

By tranced_ | 44

#7745234 - Sunday 30 December 2018 8:10

he could've died.. you should be more careful with what you feed him!

By skobisco | 23

#7745509 - Sunday 30 December 2018 20:12

get the doggo tested...

By hellboy5099 | 18

#7746452 - Tuesday 1 January 2019 19:44

so your dog do anal?

By Felice Godin | 19

#7847133 - Sunday 29 September 2019 8:28

must like the smell and taste of your juice to eat condom